Rambles & Randomness

Cody's Fears

2012-01-27T00:12:00.000-06:00

Cody read my list of irrational fears yesterday, and wanted to make his own list. So here we go as dictated by Coders (I only fixed a few things here and there for clarity. He referred to himself in third person.

Cody's List of Scary Things

High ceilings. Cody is scared they will fall off and crumble on him like on computer games and at the movies.
Turned off TVs. Cody stays in his room when he has to go to the bathroom in the early morning, because the living room TV is off. We have a TV downstairs, but he'll only go downstairs after school to play Wii. He can usually turn this one on himself without getting too scared.
THX. Cody really hates the THX logo/sound at the beginning of movies. He will hide in his room (or any room without a TV) until it is completely over.
Bad days at school. Cody is afraid he will get grounded forever if he has a bad day at school.
Going to the store. Cody is not only afraid of the high ceilings in most stores, but he is also afraid of the managers -- they always seem to kick him out. (Mom says: This has never happened and I didn't realize it was something that bothered him)
Thunderstorms. Cody is afraid of the sound of thunder. He's also afraid the power will go out -- because then the TV will be off and he won't be able to use the computer or even see in the bathroom.
Commercials. Cody doesn't like the State Farm commercial with the "thing" that was out to get Dwayne. He's also NOT a fan of the Priority Mail commercial with the freaky clown doll or the Mentos commercial with the kung fu spider.

Good job, Cody!

Speaking of commercials, do you have one you love/hate?

Irrational Fears

2012-01-26T00:12:00.016-06:00

Vicki Rocho's Thirteen Completely Irrational Fears

Outhouse style bathrooms (the seat will fall in and I'll die a horrible death)
Sewers - I'll slip and fall and meet a horrible disfiguring death -- or the sewer rats will eat me while I'm unconscious from bumping my head on impact
Metal grates in sidewalks -- they'll collapse and I'll fall to my death
Spiders - they're watching me. They know what I've done to their kinfolk and they're plotting against me.
Public fights -- I don't stand to watch because someone might pull a gun and I'll get shot
Roads that curve to the left -- especially if there's any kind of drop off on the right side of the car. Again, falling and death figure prominently
Lice - It's been almost two years since we got invaded, but I STILL examine my hairline every morning. Talk about post-traumatic stress disorder
Things in my eye - Not only will I never order contacts, but I'll never go in for laser surgery. The thought of ANYTHING touching my eyeball gives me the willies
Coughing up a bug - You know how they say we swallow spiders and things in our sleep? I'm always scared I might cough one up. I'd need therapy afterward, and I'm not even kidding
Losing my teeth - I have these horrible dreams where my teeth just sort of crumble away. I go to the dentist regularly, so I don't know where this comes from, but at least it doesn't involve my potential demise!
Stuff on my toothbrush. I rinse it off when I'm done, and store it in a cabinet so the chances of anything gross getting on it are minimal, but I still rinse it REALLY well before I put the toothpaste on.
Things in my shoes. Specifically creepy crawly things. I shake and pound them before I stick my tootsies inside.
Breaking the sink. When I lean over to spit into the sink after brushing my teeth, I'm paranoid the sink will break off like it does in the movies. It's a wall-mounted sink and original to the house (which is older than I am) so this might not be completely irrational.

What about you? Any irrational fear you want to 'fess up to?

Delightful New Read

2012-01-25T00:12:00.000-06:00

Once upon a time, long long ago I unwittingly unleashed spammer's hellhound at work. In my defense, I didn't know better. This was my first job with (gasp) an internet connection and while I'd been cautioned to be careful opening suspicious messages, this message was from my BOSS. If I didn't trust him, who the heck could I trust?

Yeah, I now know when it comes to spam and viruses you don't trust anyone. Ever.

The upside -- if there is one -- would be that I learned my lesson. Henceforth (don't you just love that word?) I exercised great caution with all things online.

Still do, if you wanna know the truth.

For instance, I've been seeing ads for this book in ShelfAwareness' daily newsletter. It looked intriguing but I never (EVER) click on ads. I'm sure ShelfAwareness can be trusted, but what if I'm wrong? What if I clicked on the one and only ad that was bad?

Nope, not gonna do it. If something interests me, I'll do a search for the product and go directly to their main site.

So tonight I was at the library with the kidlings and there it was -- on the new release rack. I snagged it up and started reading while waiting for the kidlings to finish making their selections. I have one word: DELIGHTFUL.

Curious to know what it is?

THIS:

Here's the copy from the back:

What if God were a teenage boy? In the beginning, Bob created the heavens and the earth and the beasts of the field and the creatures of the sea, and twenty-five million other species (including lots of gorgeous girls). But mostly he prefers eating junk food and leaving his dirty clothes in a heap at the side of his bed.

Every time he falls in love, earth erupts in natural disasters. So humankind is going to be very sorry indeed he ever ran into the beautiful, completely irresistible girl called Lucy...

I'm only on chapter 5 (they're short chapters), but this is already making me smile. Meg Rosoff has a wonderful sense of humor. Can't wait to see where this leads.

Pharmaceutical Intervention...

2012-01-24T00:12:00.001-06:00

When I was in Mexico, I had a bout of intestinal discomfort. Luckily, we'd brought a few Imodium with us, so it wasn't nearly as ugly as it could have been. That is until Friday, the day we were supposed to leave. We were still feeling a little off. Which presented a problem since we were out of Imodium.

Would you want to be confined to a plane for 4 hours and not have complete confidence in your lower digestive tract?

Didn't think so. Neither did we.

So I wandered downstairs to the gift shop and bought some more. THAT was an adventure. How can you be sure you're getting what you need when the labels are in Spanish?

As luck would have it, we didn't need it so I had a very expensive souvenir to add to my medicine cabinet.

Fast forward to yesterday. I woke up with some errrrr intestinal issues. And as I clutched my abdomen in agony, I had an epiphany of sorts.

Being sick sucks.

Okay, so it's not much of a breakthrough, but I did come some conclusions.

Revelation Number One:
I'm hesitant to take my Mexican Medicine. On the one hand, since the country is famous for having this effect on travelers, one would think their remedy would be potent and effective, right? But then, the land is also known for causing calamities of the colon (dig my alliteration there?) so I'm torn.

Revelation Number Two:
Going to the bathroom every 10 minutes is a pain

Literally.

Revelation Number Three:
The only thing worse than going to the bathroom every 10 minutes is NOT going. Perhaps you're not following me. If I'm not going it means all that gak is trapped inside. INSIDE.

Churning, gurgling, fermenting.

Isn't it better for the overall balance of the system to get the diseased yuck OUT?

Let's consider:

-You get a lot more exercise running back and forth

-You put your reflexes to the test. Sometimes you have got to MOVE to get to the bathroom on time.

-It forces you to drink water -- let's face it, you weren't drinking enough to begin with.-It's a natural colon cleanse...you may not have wanted it, but natural is always better than unnatural, right?

I could probably come up with more, but I kinda gotta run...

Mock Me Monday - Newest Humiliation

2012-01-23T00:12:00.001-06:00

I can't believe I'm about to post this. Something tells me I might regret this later.

I was playing with my movie making software and made a video of something only my children have ever witnessed (and for good reason).

Unfortunately, I can't upload the edited version (I had captions and special effects!) so I had to use the raw footage.

So, here is my legendary fish face. Self-humiliation taken to a whole new level:

Brown Baggin'

2012-01-20T00:12:00.000-06:00

I've been bringing my lunch to work a lot more recently. Partly to save money and partly to maintain a vice-like grip on my caloric intake. With a McDonald's within walking distance, one can never be too careful.

My children are a different story. Not that they have a McD's within walking distance to them. I was referring to their desire to bring sustenance from home.

Daughterling #1 eats only at school.

Daughterling #2 begs me to buy her lunch boxes pretty much anytime she sees one. Only she always eats a school lunch. I won't begin to tell you how many lunch boxes I've purchased over the years because I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt. It's not that she is embarrassed by her lunch box or anything -- I used to let her pick them out -- she's just never interested in bringing food from home. Now, when she asks for a new lunchbox I just laugh -- which annoys her, but I think I'm well within my parental rights.

Son #1, he brings his lunch three days a week (MTF to be exact). And it has to be a Lunchable. It has to be in his puppy lunch box, and I have to write a note inside. If I forget the note or pack him something else, he'll turn into Chicken Little -- you know "the sky is falling!"

Seriously, you don't mess with his routines if you can help it.

Anyhow, I commandeered Daughterling's last lunchbox since she clearly wasn't going to be using it any time soon. It's a cute pinkish thing. See:

Well, it wasn't until today that I discovered it's a Barbie lunch box. I'm forty something years old and am using a Barbie branded lunch box. Somehow that doesn't make me feel any more youthful.

Doesn't bother me. I'll still use it...which it might just be enough to convince Daughterling #2 to reclaim it so she can start taking it to school.

Paper Clip

2012-01-19T00:12:00.003-06:00

So there I was, at my desk one day not too long ago, staring at a screen full of office supplies.

We needed paper clips - the standard size - but I couldn't tell by looking at the pictures which offering suited my needs. I found a box that said "Size 1" but it didn't offer any measurements. Was that an inch? A half inch? Three inches?

So I did what any stumped individual does these days, I turned to Google.

My first search turned up a bunch of office supply stores -- they weren't any help. I'm pretty sure they all have the exact same descriptions/merchandise.

So I clicked over to images hoping to find someone who had lined up the various sizes and labeled them. I know it sounds like a really lame way to spend an afternoon, but it would have been very helpful!

What I found was so much better...

Who knew a paper clip could be so complex?

(SOURCE: http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Paper_clip)

I ended up ordering size 1. We'll see if I lucked out.

Are you kidding me?

2012-01-18T00:12:00.006-06:00

I call a lot of very big companies during the course of my day. Not all of them are created equal, either, not that it will surprise any of you.

How's this for brilliant planning on the part of Big Business?

Client wanted to discontinue paper statements in favor of getting them online. This is a big trend nowadays, and most companies encourage clients to do this because they save so much on paper and postage.

So, I sign the client up for online access. There was no option for electronic delivery, so I called the company. They told me I'd have to put in an order to stop the delivery of paper statements, in order to get electronic ones so I did. I sent the login instructions to the client only to get a call ten minutes later that they can't get in.

We reset the password, reset the User ID, but neither worked. I called the company and had THEM reset the password and User ID. Still didn't work.

Guess what? When you stop paper statements, you also automatically kick yourself out of the system so there is no way for you to actually access your electronic statements. I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't witnessed it first hand.

I thought that was the stupidest thing I ever encountered, until this one I ran into this one TWICE:

I had to call a company to ask for their mailing address so I could mail in account paperwork.

First, the rep asked me for my social security number. I explained I was not the account owner, but I was preparing paperwork for him/her and could I please have their overnight (street) address to mail it in?

He told me he couldn't give it to me without the account owner on the phone.

I'm sorry, are you FREAKING kidding me?

I know they have to protect client's data and all of that. I understand and appreciate the need to keep personal information out of the wrong hands. But all I was asking for was a stinking ADDRESS. The COMPANY'S address, not the client's. Why on earth did I need the client on the phone to grant permission to Big Company A to provide me with an ADDRESS which should be a matter of public record?

Now that I've run into this twice, I have a very bad feeling it's a new standard and I'm going to have to start arguing with morons on a daily basis.

Looking Ahead

2012-01-17T00:12:00.000-06:00

For all my scatterbrained moments, I am a generally intelligent woman who plans ahead as much as possible. Let's face it, with three kids you never know when one of them will throw you a curve ball (or just throw up) and leave you scrambling to piece together Plan B, C or D. Still, it's helpful if you have a plan to begin with, right?

For example, I've spent the six to eight months saving every penny that came my way so I could go to Mexico for the first time ever. I had a special checking account set up at the bank and refused checks or debit card. The only way I could get money out was to physically go into the bank and ask for it. This kept me from squandering it every time I walked past a pair of boots on sale.

As the date of my trip neared, I did the incredibly smart, forward-thinking thing: I transferred the balance from the special account to my regular one. My flight left early on a Saturday morning so I planned to run to the bank on my lunch break the Friday before to withdraw the cash I wanted. That way I didn't walk around with a load of cash and risk losing/spending it.

I spent a chunk of time trying to determine exactly what denominations I wanted to take with me. My expert travel consultant/sister (hiya Lynners!) suggested smaller bills as they come in handy for tips and whatnot...so I worked it all out. I even wrote it down. I wanted X number of singles, Y number of 5s and 10s and Z of 20s.

Only I never got to the bank.

Turns out I'd failed to plan for one MAJOR factor.

Veteran's Day.

Yup, I'd completely forgotten my magical day-before-vacation was a holiday and therefore the bank would be CLOSED.

I also learned the bank's ATM had a paltry daily withdrawal limit. I didn't know this because I never go to the ATM.

It all worked out in the end, but the moral of the story is don't plan too much because Fate is rather territorial and she will take you down if she thinks you're encroaching on her turf.

Mock Me Monday - Winterizing

2012-01-16T00:12:00.001-06:00

Let's get one thing straight right now.

I hate winter.

Oh, the snow can be pretty while it's falling, but the sub-zero temperatures and the trudging through mounds of snow and trying to stay upright while walking on slick sidewalks is just not my thing.

In fact, I do whatever I can to shut the cold out. We've replaced all the windows in our current house, so drafts are minimal. Our old house was a different story, though. The first winter in the house I decided to "insulate" the window in our bedroom. Nothing wrong with that, right?

You might want to hear what I did before you answer that question.

To be honest, I was going to write this story about the time I put plastic wrap on the windows and accidentally sealed the scissors on the window sill under the plastic. But as soon as I started typing I remembered this OTHER incident...and it's waaaay more mockable.

Trust me.

It all started in the kitchen, actually. Our dishes were sooo cold, I knew we needed to insulate the cupboards somehow, but we couldn't afford to have a crew come out and do the exterior walls. What to do, what to do.....

You may not know this, but styrofoam peanuts are great insulators. No, I didn't pile them into the cupboard. How would I get the dishes in there if the stupid white foam lumps were floating free in there?

I cut cardboard to size and then hot glued packing peanuts to the back of the cardboard. I slipped them into the back of the cabinets and it worked WONDERS.

Tired of the drafty window in the bedroom, I decided to try the same idea only on a bigger scale. The only problem is that I didn't want to spend the next three months staring at the icky brown cardboard. I didn't care about what it looked like from the outside because we had two huge pine trees outside the window, no one driving by would be able to see. And it's not like I was going to be lollygagging under the pine tree in the dead of winter, right?

Soooooo....

I put together some 1000+ piece puzzles and glued them to one side of the cardboard and then spent HOURS (and I do mean hours) hot gluing the styrofoam to the other side. I have no idea where I got all the packing peanuts. I didn't buy them, so someone must have given them to me. Looking back, I wonder what they must have thought handing over a garbage bag full of those stupid peanuts.

It worked really well. The draft was stopped, but I really missed the extra light that used to come through. Plus, it was WAY more work than it would have been to just add the plastic window film which worked almost as well.

I may be an old dog, but I CAN learn new tricks.

Ten Reasons to Read Making Waves

2012-01-14T00:12:00.001-06:00

I don't do that many reviews, mostly because so many of YOU do them so much better, there's no need for my backwards attempts. But, when I read something I really like (like, really like like), I feel compelled to share it with you.

And so here I am.

On a Saturday.

This is the object of my adoration:

From the back:

She always wanted to belong...just not to a dysfunctional pirate crewJuli has trouble fitting in, though she'd prefer to keep the reasons to herself. But when she mistakenly stows away on a ship of misfit corporate castoffs, her own secrets become the least of her concerns.He knows plotting a diamond heist may be considered unusual behavior...But Alex isn't feeling very normal when his unscrupulous boss kicks him to the curb. Meeting Juli doesn't do much to restore normalcy to Alex's life either, but it sure is exhilarating!As Alex and Juli bare their secrets-and a whole lot more-they find that while normal is nice, weird can be wonderful.

This book is so funny, I laughed out loud while on walking to nowhere on the treadmill. My gym comrades probably thought I'd lost it, but I didn't look up to see if they were giving me the stink eye because I didn't want to stop reading for even those few seconds.

I don't want to give anything away, so allow me to be cryptic with the following Ten Reasons You Should Read This Book:

1. Juli. Juli. Juli. She's my new BFF. Quirky and loveable. And I LOVE she's thirty-something.
2. The sea sickness medication
3. The spatula
4. The number 4
5. Cody's secret wardrobe.
6. Uncle Frank
7. Phyllis - her naivete made me laugh...and what she says she wants to do to Jake.
8. Malcolm - the pretentious pirate - made me laugh...and I want his "booty"
9. The cheese doodle scene - made me ~~laugh~~ snort. Loudly. In public.
10. Jake & Phyllis' six cases of **something** damned near made me swallow my tongue.

I could go on and on. If you are looking for a smart, fun, romantic comedy you can't go wrong with Making Waves. Seriously.

Having a Meltdown

2012-01-13T00:12:00.000-06:00

Hubs took me to Applebee's for lunch recently. Being extremely cautious with calories these days, I ordered the Paradise Chicken Salad. It had the Weight Watchers logo next to it so I figured it was safe.

It was super yummy and I was satisfied with my choice. Later, though, I looked up the calories in other salads and about fell off my chair. I love their Oriental Chicken Salad, but don't know if I'll be ordering it again.

It's hard to believe "Triple Chocolate Meltdown" has fewer calories than these 6 salads. (There are more than that, I just clipped the nutritional table short so it'd fit). Don't believe me? Look for yourself:

The moral of this story? If you're watching your waistline and going to Applebee's, you should DEFINITELY skip the salad and order the Triple Chocolate Meltdown instead.

It's the right thing to do.

Smacking My Gums

2012-01-12T00:12:00.001-06:00

Gum and I go way back. Like back to my pre-pubescent stage.

Back in the day, most of my peers

(though to be honest, at the time I thought a "peer" was either something you stood on in a large body of water or something you did through the crack of a door...and while we're talking about words, I used to be afraid to say dam because I thought it was a swear word...even when referring to a water-blocking structure. I also had problems with "madame" in Baa Baa Black Sheep for the same reason. But I digress.)

My ~~peers~~ friends were all chewing Hubba Bubba or Bubbalicious. Those were both great -- especially if you wanted to blow bubbles as big as your head...which is apparently something all ten year olds have to do.

The problem is that both produce a massive wad of gum. It made it hard to discreetly stick it underneath your desk or on a post outside. Not that I ever did such a thing. Ever.

Swallowing it wasn't an option either. That sucker would get stuck in your intestines for seven years.

Around about that time, Extra debuted. It was a freaky nuclear accident glow in the dark green color. I don't think it actually glowed (though wouldn't that be AWESOME? Must invent.), but then again I don't think I ever tested it. Anyway, I switched to Extra based solely on its funky color. Is that culinarily racist of me? Whatever.

It was a short-lived romance. My real love and I were about to be introduced...Trident cinnamon flavored sugarless gum. MMMMM. The cinnamon flavor lasted a long time so I could talk to Eddie Spaghetti without fear.

PLUS the pieces were smaller so I could chew them in class without being detected...except that one time I got caught on purpose because that's the kind of rebel I am.

(Which reminds me teachers really ought to change punishments depending on the child. My punishment was writing "I will not chew gum in class" 250 times over a boring weekend. Yeah, making a writer write as punishment doesn't really work. Now if he'd made me stand in front of the class and recite "I will not chew gum in class" ten times, THAT would have made more of an impression. But I really am digressing. Again.)

So the other day daughterling and I were at the store and I remembered that I needed gum, so I sent her off in search of a pack while I unloaded my purchases. Lately I've been chewing Stride (the green pack, whatever flavor that is), but daughterling just grabbed the green pack of Trident instead. Feeling nostalgic, I accepted her offering.

I chewed my first piece yesterday and at first, I thought it was fine. Minty, fresh, yada yada yada. But then, I got a hint of something else and this will sound crazy, but it tasted vaguely like turpentine smells.

I confess, I thought about spitting it out, because part of me worried that maybe it had been tainted and I would end up slumped over at my desk and would make headlines for all the wrong reasons

(don't ask me what the right reasons are for making headlines)

...but that would've required me to stand up and go into the other room where the garbage was. Instead, I composed this blog post in my head while I continued chomping.

Is that bad?

Love Honor & Obey

2012-01-11T00:12:00.002-06:00

I have no idea whether or not I promised to love, honor, and obey my husband when we got married almost 19 years ago. I could probably dig out the VHS tape to refresh my memory

(really ought to think about converting that to DVD)

but I really don't want him to know he has concrete evidence against me if it turns out I DID.

That obey thing? I'm not so good at it.

I can love all day long and honoring is a breeze. But obey?

Not so much.

A year or so ago I wanted to paint the family room downstairs. I was going with two tones of blue separated by a white strip.

(I'm going to have to repaint it one of these days because it reminds me of a Pepsi logo.)

Anyway, I wanted to paint the trim around the windows white -- as well as the shelf running along the East wall. He, on the other hand, was adamantly against it. You don't paint wood. Ever.

Kinda sounded like my dad, but whatever.

One weekend he went out of town. Coincidentally (or maybe not) that was the same weekend I'd planned to paint the family room.

We now have white trim.

I'd been hinting at pulling up the carpet -- at least in the back bedrooms -- where we have hardwood floors lying in wait. For whatever reason, he likes our carpet. It's an awkward aqua color, but he likes it and has repeatedly stated his case against pulling it up.

This past weekend he drove to Missouri to do a little golfing. That just happened to be the day I cleaned daughterling's room from top to bottom.

She now has hardwood floors...in her closet.

He has clarified his position: No more carpet comes out. Ever.

I promised to obey....at least until his next day-long road trip.

Alice in Writerland

2012-01-10T00:12:00.000-06:00

Even if you've never read Alice in Wonderland, you know the gist of the story, right? Girl falls down a rabbit hole and meets all kinds of crazy characters. Whenever she eats something she grows bigger and whenever she drinks, she shrinks.

It occurred to me today (and I'll spare you the round-about thought process that brought me to this conclusion, we don't have that much time) that Alice teaches us something about writing.

No, really.

Sometimes writing is fun. Y'know, when the words are coming out just so and the story is filling up the page just they way you want it to.

Most of the time, though, writing is a hard slog. You try and try but the words just aren't coming, and you create more plot holes than you fix. Your characters would probably be a lot more interesting if they fell down a rabbit hole.

Most days, writing SHRINKS you. (wait, I should make that smaller....a giant shrink is kind of an oxymoron. Let's do that over --> ) Most days writing SHRINKS you.

On the flip side though, reading helps you GROW. And it doesn't matter how good the book is, either. If it's crap, you can't help but think to yourself, "I can write better than that."

Am I right? (No need to answer, cuz I know I am...we all have that book on our shelf that was so bad it inspired us to write something better).

But when a book is great, it inspires us to push a little harder and stretch a little further. It shows us what's possible if we just keep trying.

So, you see? Alice in Writerland is very relevant.

Eat Me = Read Me
Drink Me = Write Me
(In another odd coincidence, writing also tends to drive us to drink)

I have dibs on the Cheshire cat. Just sayin'.

Mock Me Monday - Inside Outside Upside Down

2012-01-09T00:12:00.001-06:00

If ever there was any doubt about the future of Mock Me Monday, let me put those fears to rest once and for all.

It's been a busy weekend around the Rocho household. I spent the majority of the weekend. You wouldn't think a ten year old would be able to amass such a monumental stash of stuff, but let me assure you my daughterling is an over-achiever in that regard. I think maybe we need to cut back on watching Hoarders.

That doesn't have a darned thing to do with the story except for the fact that I was fatigued and not thinking as clearly as I might have been otherwise.

The other daughterling landed her first job recently. We went out a week or so ago to buy a few pair of pants/shirts for her to wear to work. Only, they were about six inches too long, so they needed to be hemmed.

Guess who got elected?

I don't have a sewing machine or anything. And for good reason. I can't sew.

What I do have, though, is a quaint little sewing basket I got from Fingerhut a hundred years ago.

So daughterling tried the pants on, I pinned them to the approximate length and set to work. Normally, I would just roll the excess fabric up and stitch it into place, but if I did that with these pants, it'd look like she had little donuts around her ankles. So I cut the excess off. Not well - it's amazing how crooked it was, but I tucked the ragged edge under and pinned both.

That thing about me not sewing? Not an exaggeration. I have an irrational fear that the thread will break and the hem will just pop out all at once. So, I knotted the thread every few stitches so if it DID break, it wouldn't come completely undone.

I congratulated myself on my brilliance. Daughterling is kinda persnickety about her clothes and whatnot, I'd never hear the end of it if my handiwork came undone and she had one pant leg longer than the other one.

I finished early -- by my estimations and set them aside. Which is when I noticed that I had one leg inside out and the other right side out. I had to rip out the seam and start over...which was a BEAR because of all those stinking knots I'd placed every other stitch.

She's got two more pairs that need fixing. I'm going in search of that magic iron on seam tape. I bet if I look close the ten year old has some in her room somewhere....

Table Matters

2012-01-06T00:12:00.001-06:00

Just an impromptu quiz for today.

Do you keep your table set like they show on TV?

Do you wipe shopping carts with anti-bacterial wipes before using?

Do you ever sneak snacks into the movie theater?
What household chore do you hate the most?

My answers:
No
No
When I'm really broke.
Tie between dishes & laundry -- they're never done.

Things I'd Like to See...Part ?

2012-01-05T00:12:00.000-06:00

I don't know if this exists yet or not, but it SHOULD.

You know times are tough. Schools and libraries across the country are dealing with slashed budgets and are expected to do more and more with less and less.

Not a fun position to be in.

Then I thought...

Why don't cash-strapped libraries use BOOK REGISTRIES to solicit book donations they could use? It'd work just like your typical gift registry -- they'd list books they'd like to add to circulation and people like you and me would buy it for them.

Schools could do the same thing with supplies.

By defining things they need via the registry, you prevent a bunch of people buying the same item. You also prevent people from buying things that can't be used. You know, like that weird cam of yams people donate to food drives.

I would also link the registry up to local bookstores or Amazon/Barnes & Noble sites.

I don't know how it is at other libraries, but when we donate books to our local library, chances are good it will end up in the book store.

There's nothing wrong with that. Book store proceeds fund important programs, but your donation is only likely to be read by one person instead of dozens.

But with a book registry, people like me can look to see what the library would LIKE to have on the circulation shelves and can donate accordingly.

OR, you could make a cash donation towards a larger purchase - like computers. Schools and non profit organizations could also benefit.

It would be even better if purchasing items off the registry automatically generated a tax deduction.

If you know of a program like this -- let me know. I'd love to help spread the word.

Dubious Honor

2012-01-04T00:12:00.001-06:00

You don't know this about me, but I have a way with toilets.

Gimme a toilet and I can make it overflow without even trying. I think:
(a) I have an uncanny knack for choosing the *one* toilet on the verge of malfunction and
(b) there are a lot of people in this world who aren't getting nearly enough fiber

Over the years I've had toilets overflow on me at school, at friend's houses, at gas stations and restaurants. Generally speaking it's not my fault...but you know how humiliating it is to have to tell someone their toilet is gushing sewage all over their floor. They automatically think it's you are the one with the fiber deficiency.

It's kinda like going into a public restroom where the air is toxic. You assume whomever just left made the stink, and if it's still present when YOU are leaving, the next person thinks its you. Just the way it is...doesn't make it right, but that's the rules we live by.

I've learned to always make sure I'm completely put back together before trying to flush, just in case I need to make a quick escape from an encroaching tidal wave. You can't run very well with pants around your ankles, just in case you were wondering.

I've also learned that when you can't stop the rising water, you should turn the water supply off at the back of the tank.

I'm back on the exercise bandwagon. My goal is to go to the gym every day in January. I usually go over lunch so I have my evenings free. As part of this new health kick, I've been drinking a lot more water -- which of course means I've been visiting the restroom much more frequently.

So today at the gym I did my business before leaving the locker room -- and don't you know I picked the wrong stall. I flushed and the water kept coming up...and up...and UP.

Ack

There happened to be a plunger beside the toilet (coincidence? I think not) so I quickly try plunging the dang thing.

It didn't work.

I turn the water supply off and head toward the office but there's no one there. It's only staffed a couple hours a day, and they're not due back until late afternoon/evening.

What to do? What are my moral obligations here?

I'm embarrassed to say I ignored the mess and did my thing on the elliptical.
I did lock the stall door before going on my merry way. How bad is that?

Following My Own Advice

2012-01-03T00:12:00.001-06:00

The post I wanted to put up today is lost. I remember writing it, just don't know what happened to the dumb thing. So I started browsing the holding tank for something already written.

I found this post (written several months ago). Ironic that I've been stressing over all of these. I think it's time I started following my own words of wisdom.

Blogging Rules
1-Pick a schedule and stick to it. That's not to say things won't happen, but if you're aiming to post every day and finding you're missing a several days every week, you need to re-examine your schedule.

2-No lip service. Don't post about writing (or cooking, or stamp collecting or politics or whatever) just because that's what you think we want to read. Certainly, if you're holding yourself out as a Christian blog there are probably topics you should stay away from, but as long as you are true to yourself and your passions, your audience will accept you.

3-Back Scratching. There's a bit of "I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine" behind the scenes in blogging. The unspoken rule is if I comment on your post you will comment on mine. Or, if I follow your blog you will reciprocate and follow mine. While there's nothing wrong with this on the surface, long-term it's unsustainable. You cannot possibly follow everyone who follows you AND interact with each of them in any meaningful way. I'm warning you, but you'll do it anyway and then you'll be ready for the next rule:

4-Letting Go. There comes a point in every blogger's career where they discover they've bitten off more than they can chew. You have a couple hundred blogs full of great information, witty observations, or just downright funny stuff. But you've only got X number of hours to read and comment and you're finding yourself continually falling short of your own expectations. Let Go. Set up a schedule, or just browse blogs at random and comment when something really resonates. No one will hate you for it, I promise. We're all dealing with the same time limitations. Do what you can (or what you want) and don't worry about it.

5-Don't be a Sheep. If you find you followed a blog prematurely, then by all means unfollow them. (yes, even me!) This has happened to me on numerous occasions. Sometimes I followed just to be nice only to discover the person's beliefs did not mesh well with mine. Sometimes I backed away because they were sooooo long winded I couldn't make it through a post. Other times there really was no concrete reason other than I just wasn't "feeling" them anymore. Your time is limited. Don't pledge loyalty to someone you don't enjoy 100%.

5a-Don't take it personally when you lose a follower. It happens.

6-Be Real. It's no shocker that there are (gasp!) fake bloggers out there in cyberspace just like there are fake people in your real life. Don't be one of them. That doesn't mean you have to put forth all of your dirty laundry (in fact, please don't), but if you are commenting on a post, be yourself. If you disagree with the crowd, that's fine, say so. If you promise to help someone with XYZ, then DO. Be courteous, be polite, but you don't have to pretend to like someone / something if you're not feeling it.

Mock Me Monday - Flogging the Blogger

2012-01-02T00:12:00.000-06:00

Today's Mock Me entry won't take long to share. In fact, I can do it in ONE sentence. How's that for efficiency?

Are you ready? Here's the most embarrassing (and concise) confession I've ever made:

I have 300 messages in my inbox that I still need to reply to.

I can't believe I just admitted that. So here's what I'm going to do. Since I have today off, I'm going to set a chunk of time aside to replying to as many of those 300 as I can. Meanwhile, I open up the comments for a public flogging.

Have you ever left a witty/insightful/encouraging comment on a post only to have it completely ignored? Let me know about your anger/frustration/disappointment. Today, I am taking the heat for every blogger that ever fell behind.

Go ahead, let me have it.

Resolutions?

2011-12-30T00:12:00.001-06:00

Tis the season for reflection and fresh starts.

Time to define success and identify ~~failures~~ areas for improvement.

My greatest accomplishment this year was going to my first-ever writer's conference. Not only that, but I did it SOLO. I can't tell you what a big deal that is. Way WAY out of my comfort zone...and it turned out to be one of the best weekends ever.

That's definitely on my list of things to repeat. In fact, let's put it on the list right now:

1. Go to another conference

I've also been atrociously (yes, that's an adverb. I threw it in there to let you know just how bad things are) delinquent tending to my health. I need to dust off the food journal and start moving again. If not at the gym, I need to walk around the mall, do the Wii, or climb up and down my stairs.

So:

1. Go to another conference
2. Eat better and move more

I've got something for my creative side, something for my health, I need something for the family. That'll keep these goals well-rounded. So...

1. Go to another conference
2. Eat better and move more
3. Spend more time with the family

Those sound nice, don't they? But if there's one thing I've learned about goal setting is that they need to be SPECIFIC and they need to be MEASURABLE.

I've got them broken down into smaller, quantifiable chunks, but I won't bore you with the specifics.

So what are your top 3 resolutions for the new year?

Don't Get Me Started

2011-12-29T00:12:00.002-06:00

I'm a HUGE HGTV fan. If I have the flipper, that's the first channel I turn to. Don't always stay there, but it's my starting point every time.

The other night I was watching one of the buying-a-new-house shows. These shows tend to get on my nerves because they have couples wandering through a perfectly functional house ripping it to shreds. "Well this needs to be gutted." Why? The color of the kitchen cabinets is too dark/light for you? The appliances aren't stainless steel? In my world, you live with something until it is no longer functional THEN you replace it.

But I digress...sorta.

This particular episode was devoted to a young twenty something buying her first place.

My jaw dropped when I heard the budget. $600,000. I won't tell you how many of my first house you could buy for that amount, but you'll need more than one hand.

Yeah, I know some cities have really expensive real estate, that's not really the point...read on.

During the search she had a complaint about every single house. No parking. The rooms were too small (but somehow way bigger than the ones in my house). The lack of a yard. Blah blah blah. Some of these houses were fantastic -- just not good enough for her.

So her Mama offered to "loan" her some cash to increase her budget so she could get a nicer place.

Like a million dollar place.

Are you freaking kidding me? I seriously don't even know where to begin.

I could go on and on about fiscal responsibility and living within your means.
(Just because you can afford something doesn't mean you should buy it.)

I could offer my perspective on the materialistic nature of our society.
(I'm pretty sure you can be happy without granite counters and matching appliances.)

I could observe that if her first house is worth a million dollars, what's there to look forward to? I shudder to think how much real estate she'll require when she actually has children.

But mostly I want to make the snarky observation that it's hypocritical to accept $300,000 from your mother when the whole point of you moving out of your parents' house was to assert your independence.

I Wonder Why...

2011-12-28T00:12:00.002-06:00

Just a few of the things that I ponder from time to time:

People tell you NOT to drive into flood water -- but whenever it's flooding somewhere what do they show you on TV? People driving through flooded streets. DUH

Some cities have symphony orchestras and others have philharmonic. What exactly is a philharmonic? (Note: I actually looked this up...anyone have a guess without cheating with Google?)

I wonder why when someone asks for my phone number at work, I have to close my eyes to recite it?

Why do my nails get dirtier faster when they are clipped short than when they are long? Wouldn't you think longer nails would "scoop" up dirt easier than short nails?

Some cities post mileage signs for every tenth of a mile. This seriously drives me crazy. With the prevalence of GPS these days I can't believe this was a wise investment of taxpayer dollars.

If someone steals your Social Security Number in order to get a job, do the taxes withheld from their paychecks go toward your retirement?

If there's something you just don't get, please share in the comments...

Cody Quotes

2011-12-27T00:12:00.002-06:00

It's been awhile since I posted a batch of quotes from Coders. He has specifically requested a new installment. I'm not sure when or how it happened, but he stumbled across my blog and is now my biggest fan. (Hi, Cody!)

Cody is an expert researcher. When he is interested in something, he likes to look it up online. He loved malls there for awhile and would study mall directories. Then he loved elevators and escalators. We took him all over town so he could ride them. (Cody - do you remember what brand of elevator they have at the airport?) These days, he's into computers and operating systems as you'll see by some of his quotes.

Cody: You were born in time for the release of Windows
Me: I was? When did that come out?
Cody: 1985
Me: Wow. I was 15. I didn't have a computer though.
Cody: When did you have a computer?
Me: I think it was 1993
Cody: What version of Windows did you have?
Me: I think it was Windows 3.1

(I just asked him when Windows 3.1 was released, and he said "Nineteen Ninety....question mark")

I happened to get a new laptop for Christmas (and it's a beauty!). The minute it was unwrapped, Cody got a little growly. A few of his gems:

"I always wanted a [Windows] 7, but I'm stuck with the nasty XP"
"This XP gives me a migraine"

I let him help me set it up. I left him alone while I started prepping for dinner. I hear him say "I'm bored with this." and then "I'm editing." I went to check on him and he'd taken all the files from the flash drive and saved them on the desktop. The screen was COVERED with document icons. I can't work with that kind of visual clutter so I had to remove them (Sorry, Codes!)

One day, he took sister's glasses. Amid a chorus of "be careful" and "don't break them" Cody announces, "I just want to see the world through Kiersten's eyes"

One morning, Cody was especially sluggish. We're on a tight timeline in the mornings so I had to keep waving his breakfast in front of him to get him to eat. After several bites, he asked for his chocolate milk which I provided. His sister says, "He's treating you like his slave." To which Cody replies, "Actually slavery is illegal now."

Cody woke up, ran into the living room. (looking backwards on the couch) "Mother, tomorrow is Thanksgiving"

Me: Yes it is

C: So I'm telling what I'm thankful for

(turns around and kisses my cheek)

C: I'm also thankful for the pugs.

While watching Alvin & The Chipmunks newest movie, I get this:

C: Mom, I have something to tell you

Me: What's that?

C: The blue one - he's smart just like me

Me: Yes, he is!

While trying to brush his teeth before school:

No wash cloth in the sink on school days. Quit being sloppy residents."

Cody, I hope you had fun reading these. You can read your other quotes by clicking HERE

Mock Me Monday

2011-12-26T00:12:00.000-06:00

See these? At the time I thought they'd be festive. A sunny yellow with seasonal red and green, what could be more cheerful and fun? (don't answer that)

But now that I've had a full night's sleep and the fumes have cleared, I'm having second thoughts. All I can think is tacky tacky tacky.

And the weird thing is if you were to come in right now (assuming you are a female -- I hate to resort to traditional gender roles because I fully support the right of everyone to wear nail polish if that's what their little ol' heart desires, but the fact is that most of my readers are women and the few men that do come around aren't of the nail-polish wearing variety. I don't think. But maybe I'm wrong.)

Where was I? Ah yes, if you were to come up to me right now with yellow nails and red and green polkie dots, I'd admire your nails. I'd tell you how festive they looked and would even mull over the possibility of doing my own.

But since I have done it to my own I'm feeling a little foolish -- kinda like I've got pig tails on my fingers. Not real pig tails mind you because that's just a really mean thing to do to a pig -- I'm talking about the braided hair variety.

You may not know this about me but I have a thing against anyone over the age of ohhhh say eight wearing pigtails. Geez, I'm just being all kinds of judgmental and snarky today aren't I? For the record, men who may or may not like to wear nail polish this pigtail thing is an equal opportunity discriminator. But the only male I know who falls victim to this particular fashion crime is Willie Nelson and I'm pretty sure he's not going to be reading this blog and therefore won't be offended.

So assuming my hair was long enough to wear in pony / pig tails (why are they named after the backside of animals, I wonder?) then I would be feeling incredibly stupid which is the point I'm trying to make about my nails. I'm pretty sure it was a mistake, but what can I do?

Don't tell me to take it off because I'm at work as I type this and I don't carry nail polish remover with me. And the only other person in the office is my boss and he is decidedly NOT the nail polish wearing sort.

The other weird thing - let's face it, my life is full of weird things -- is that when I was younger I used to do the most unusual things to my nails. I had stripes and dots and little landscapes. I'd spell things on them and even pierced my thumbnails when they were long enough. I had this shirt with flags from all around the world and I would paint my nails to match it. I really like those countries like Japan and France and Germany that have mega-easy flags to duplicate. I think this prejudice against my nails, and pigtails, and might be (gasp) a sign of me getting older.

This this post make you a little dizzy? Maybe a little nauseous? Sorry. It'll wear off, let me just put the cap back on the nail polish...

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-23T00:12:00.016-06:00

Confession: I'm so far behind this year that I didn't get my cards out. I bought them -- just didn't get the addresses/labels sorted in time. So please forgive me and enjoy a virtual copy...

With any luck I'll get everything worked out in time for next Christmas.

...assuming the doomsayers are wrong about the Mayan calendar that is...

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Me Being Literal

2011-12-22T00:12:00.001-06:00

See this?

My mom used to tell me I should go to law school because not only did I like to argue the opposing viewpoint, I also had a disturbing tendency to taking everything literally.

Case in point: I found this little container for paper clips. It said "Staples" on it so that's what I filled it with.

I'll empty on January 1. Anyone want to guess how long it takes to fill it up? We could make a contest out of it...

One Liner Wednesday

2011-12-21T00:12:00.002-06:00

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Private Message to Fred Flintstone:

I know you're lurking. Why don't you email me already?

MissVSpeaks (at) gmail (dot) com

****************************************************

Now that we've got that out of the way, take a peek at your WIP or current read and share the last sentence you wrote / read.

The last thing I wrote:
Everything should be soaked and warped -- something doesn't add up.

The last thing I read:
It reminds me of myself --seemingly perfect on the outside, but the inside is all mush. Perfect Chemistry by Simone Elkeles (last line of chapter 1)

What about you?

A Tour Through My Draft

2011-12-20T00:12:00.001-06:00

Busy night around the Rocho household. A trip to the library AND the book store and helping kids with their homework haven't left me a whole lot of time tonight so I thought we'd take a quick tour of my drafts folder in blogger. You see, I text and email myself ideas for blog posts all the time. The problem is that sometimes I'm too cryptic so I end up with these really odd titles and nothing else to hint at what I meant to write about.

Let me show you what I mean:

Flying Trog
Suicidal Squirrel
Clean Paper Pressure
I Wish I
Irrational Fears
Droopy Sweatpants Saggy Discolored Underwear (NOT ABOUT ME I swear)
Oxygen for Life
Trees First to Get Nekkid
False Teeth & Painted Eyebrows
River Analogy of Life (Oh so very philosophical and junk)
Audacity
Dominant Nostril (I DO remember this one - future Mock Me Monday post)
Genocidal Maniac (just you wait)
Love Map (I know this one too...it's AWESOME...but not a Rocho original)
County Fair Bras Optional

Thanks for bearing with me...I've gotta get back to the WIP. I was extraordinarily productive this weekend and I wanna keep the ball rolling.

Happy Tuesday!

Mock Me Monday - Hairy Beast

2011-12-19T00:12:00.001-06:00

Now that I'm over 40, I'm officially 'getting older'. Oh, there's plenty of life left in me. In no way am I trying to say that being over 40 is old. But my children let me know all the time that I'm just not as young as I used to be. And I can't really argue the point.

Sigh.

Anyway, one of the perils of getting older - at least in my world - is the increased growth of facial hair. It started with one mutant hair -- which I plucked -- and was quickly followed by others. It was kinda like trying to cut off the head of a hydra -- every time I plucked one troublesome hair two or three (or more) grew in its place.

So last weekend I looked in the mirror at my chin fuzz and calculated the number of hairs that would need to be yanked out by the root.

(answer: a lot)

I don't need to tell you that plucking can be painful, do I?

As luck would have it I found a small bottle of Nair -- specifically designed for facial hair -- in the bathroom closet. I vaguely remembered buying it, and decided to use it in the war against the downy forest on my chin and lip.

I followed the instructions almost to the letter. The instructions called for a thick layer to be smoothed over the area to be de-haired. I opted for a thin layer. I don't know why I deviated from the prescribed plan -- it would really suck to run around the house with a pink goatee only to discover NONE of the hair had been evicted. But a thin layer it was and I thank GOD for this alteration because in the end it saved me.

No, I'm not being overly dramatic. It saved me.

The Nair kinda tingled when I first put it on, but I didn't think much of it. The mocking words of my children stung more than anything happening on my face. I guess it's not every day you see your mother in a pink goatee, but they certainly didn't hold back!

I waited the 4 minutes (maybe not even that long) then washed it off.

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!

My face was on FIRE. I wet a wash cloth and held it to my chin/lip for awhile, but it wasn't getting any better so I turned to Dr. Google and saw many people recommended aloe and/or something with lidocaine. Off I went to rummage through my cupboard, wondering if I'd have to run out to the store to buy a truckload of concealer and foundation to hide the inflamed rash so I could go to work in a semi-presentable state in the morning.

(Note to self: You should save all cosmetic alterations for Saturdays so you have a full day to recover or camouflage if necessary)

I gasped when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I had a red rash all around my mouth (distinctly goatee shaped).

As a general rule, I don't like goatees on men, so I dang sure didn't like the look on me. Especially since it was all red and puffy looking. It looked like it hurt.

Luckily, I had sunburn relief gel on hand with both aloe and lidocaine. I slathered it on and felt immediate relief. It was still red and irritated, but it didn't hurt anymore. A big plus.

It was about that time I remembered why I had stashed the cream in the farthest reaches of the closet. It would have been nice to remember this BEFORE I coated a big fat ring around my upper lip and chin, but one of the other perils of getting older is losing your razor-sharp memory. Mine is now roughly equivalent to one of those cheap plastic knives with the serrated edge.

First, Nair apparently irritates the heck out of my skin. Second, when the hair starts to grow back my lip feels decidedly STUBBLY. Ewwww. Girls should not ever have prickly lips. You'd think I'd have remembered that part at least. Third, some of my hairs have trouble breaking through the surface again so I get a lot of boil-like pimples/infected hairs on my chin.

Real attractive picture, isn't it?

The only good part is my husband has (ironically) been growing a beard so he'll never be able to feel my stubble as long as he's all bearded up. I hope he refrains from shaving until I've recovered!

Deja Vu Blogfest

2011-12-16T00:12:00.004-06:00

I had a hard time choosing a post for today. I amuse myself a great deal and there are a lot of posts that make me giggle, even a year later. But I think the one that makes me laugh most is this one.

Check out one of our fabulous hosts for other participants: DL Hammons, Nicole Ducleroir, CreepyQueryGirl, and Lydia Kang

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ASTROLOGY OF UNDERWEAR

I go through phases with my underwear. I understand this may be more information than you need (or want) to hear.

I don't really follow astrology (bear with me), but as a Libra the one thing I've read about my 'kind' is that we love balance and have a helluva time making decisions. Both true on my part. And since I was like this long before I ever heard I was *supposed* to be like this, I know it wasn't a self-fulfilling prophecy thing.

So, you're wondering what the heck does this astrology lesson have to do with my underwear?

That whole balance thing...plays itself out in my underwear.

WHOA.

Okay, I need to back up and clarify. And QUICK.

Sometimes I buy practical underwear. You know, plain, cotton, white. It's comfortable. It's wearable with white pants. It's useful.

But sometimes I buy the pretty ones. The colorful, the silky, the lacy, and/or the barely there ones. They may not be comfortable but they make up for it because they're so pretty.

(again, probably more information than you need or want to know).

The two are diametrically opposed and therefore BALANCE each other out. (see? astrology at work)

Well...

As luck would have it I recently purchased panties of the practical variety. Plain white cotton. Highly functional if not attractive.

But I hate them. HATE them I say!

Two pairs in from a seven pair pack and I can't stand 'em.

Why? (don't worry, there's no more astrology and no pictures)

Because they give granny panties a bad name. These suckers are HUGE! If I pulled them up to where they would naturally fall, I'd have a good three or four inches ABOVE the waistband of my pants/shorts/skirts.

And no, I don't own any low-waisted pants. (Bad look on me, just sayin')

Okay, so I lied about no pictures. This doesn't count though because clearly they are not white so they are not mine.

The problem -- beyond the obvious -- of my underwear extending so far above my waistband, is that I feel like they are screaming

"I want a wedgie!!"

THERE'S a bad image for you, friends. A nearly 40 year old woman getting an old-fashioned wedgie. You know, the junior-high school variety not the natural shift and slide kind.

Oh dear God, PLEASE don't let me get a wedgie in these (of ANY kind).

Do you know how much excess material there is to WEDGE? ACK!

To cope, I kinda push down the waistband of the underwear so it will NOT peek outside the pants, but then there's this giant wrinkly roll around my midsection.

Trust me when I say I don't need any extra wrinkles or rolls around my middle.

The sensible thing for me to do would be to toss them and start over, right?

But I can't. I paid for them, and am now morally obligated to WEAR the damn things.

Besides, I tossed my other ones out.

UGH!

My advice to you?
Choose your underwear wisely, my friends.

Next time I'm consulting an astrologer first.

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For other participants, visit one of our friendly blogfest hosts:
DL Hammons, Nicole Ducleroir, CreepyQueryGirl, and Lydia Kang

WINNERS WINNERS WINNERS

2011-12-15T00:12:00.019-06:00

Well I Never thought it would take me TWO WEEKS to pass out the goods from the Well I Never blogfest. My apologies!

Without further fuss, I have randomly selected the following participants to receive a special little box -- hopefully in time for Christmas.

Kellie Nicole of Moments. A Glimpse of Life, Love, and Writing

Laurel Garver of Laurel's Leaves

and

Amy Sonnichsen of The Green Bathtub

Ladies, drop me an email with your address so I can send off your loot! MissVSpeaks (at) gmail (dot) com.

Speaking of Blogfests, I've just signed up for the Deja Vu Blogfest co-hosted by DL Hammons, Nicole Ducleroir, CreepyQueryGirl, and Lydia Kang. I wanted to put the fabulous button in the sidebar, but blogger has other ideas, so for now I'll just plop it below. Come back Friday to see which ancient post I've dug up, dusted off, and reanimated.

Murderous Beasts

2011-12-14T00:12:00.006-06:00

Rescued from my drafts - originally written back in August

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It's no secret. I don't wear heels except on the rarest of occasions. I'm not graceful/coordinated enough to do them justice and besides that, they hurt my feet. You can always tell I'm "dressed up" if I'm wearing heels and/or more than just mascara.

So it is really beyond my comprehension why I thought wearing these ~~(edit out a string of expletives)~~ fabulous green strappy sandals would be a good idea.

Oh, they're cute and they go perfectly with this one adorable dress but I seem to have forgotten in my zeal that I actually have to strap them to my feet and then WALK in them.

Normally, this is no big deal as I kick them off while I'm at my desk and only really wear them for the walk to and from the car.

I hope the neighbors appreciate all I do for them.

Anyhow, this particular day was different.

I didn't get to sit at my desk all day. Oh no. I had to register my son at school which means walking across the entire parking lot and into the cafeteria at the other end of the building. There's an entrance closer to the cafeteria, but don't you know they lock all the doors except the main entrance.

I guess they're doing their part to make sure we all get a little exercise.

After that, my feet were throbbing. But I only had to suffer long enough to get back to my desk.

Ha!

But then daughterling calls in a panic. Her registration had been the night before, but her schedule wasn't in her packet AND she couldn't log into the school's website to print it out. Could I "pretty pretty pretty please" go to the school to pick it up?

Shoes back on feet. They're not looking nearly so cute now as I limp back to the car.

Trek across another parking lot
Up a flight of stairs
Stand in line....
lalalalalalala

Only to be told I needed to go to the main office.
On the other side of the school.

It's a big school. It's actually faster to limp back to the car and drive around to the other side than it is to cut through the hallways.

So back I go -- down the stairs, across the parking lot to the car
vroom vroom vroom to the other side.
Forcefully march my screaming feet across another parking lot, up another flight of stairs down a hall to the office.

...Where I'm told to go to the counselor's office.

down another hall - stand in line again.

ow ow ow ow ow ow ow
My feet are KILLING me by now. I don't look down, but I'm pretty sure there are two bloody stumps strapped into these murderous beasts masquerading as shoes.

I get the schedule --finally!-- and walk aaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll the way down the hall, down the stairs, and across the parking lot to the car where I stripped of those tortuous contraptions...and didn't put them back on the rest of the day.

The rest of the week I wore my most comfortable (pink!) shoes -- even if they didn't match the rest of my outfit.

I'm pretty sure the neighbors didn't mind.

Change is Good -- I think

2011-12-13T00:12:00.002-06:00

Recently,I browsed through early versions of my WIP and was greatly amused by the changes I've made. I'm getting closer, but I'm not 100% satisfied with the beginning. For your amusement, I'm copying the first paragraph of each version below.

It's kinda like looking into a house through different windows. It's the same house, but you get a completely new perspective each time.

Take it away, Murphy:

************************

Here wego again. I landed crossways in a large overstuffed chair. The airin the cushions expelled with a soft swoosh. I gnawed at a rough spoton my thumbnail and watched the spectacle. This was all so pointless,I didn't know whether to laugh or scream. I gawked instead.

************************

Myjob blows. Literally. Take a look at this joker staggering throughthe door. He thinks he's tough sh*t but he ain't nothing but blusterand swagger. Oh, he puts on a pretty convincing show. He'll laughwhen women cross the street rather than pass him on the sidewalk. Sometimes he'll cross the street and follow them just to mess withthem. He'd never actually do anything, he just enjoys theirquickened pace and nervous glances over their shoulders. He's a realpill all right. But give me two minutes alone with him – possiblyless, depending on my mood – and I'll have him crying like a babyand seriously regretting all those facial piercings.

************************

Myjob totally blows. I work ungodly hours doing the same thing year inand year out, and I have yet to see a paycheck. My sister,Cassiopeia,calls it the family internship. I say it's more like indenturedservitude, and that's on a good day.

************************

Threemore months, I reminded myself. Just twelve lousy weeks untilgraduation and I could kiss this crap goodbye. I loathed my job. Infact, it blew chunks. Literally. I worked ungodly hours doing thesame thing year in and year out and I had never once received apaycheck, much less a thank you. My brown-nosing sister referred to itas the Family Internship, but if you asked me, it was more likeindentured servitude.

************************

Mynext client staggered in, a perfect representation of everything Idetested about my work. He had been calling to me for the last fiveminutes. Subconsciously, of course. A big toughie like him didn'tneed anyone's help. Least of all mine. He didn't believe in me, orthe Boss either for that matter. Truth be told, it kinda pissed meoff. He didn't believe but expected me to intervene. What a crock.

************************

Mynext client staggers in. He's been calling to me for the last fiveminutes – subconsciously, of course. More brawn than brain, he'd bethe last one to ever admit he needed help, least of all from me. Hedoesn't believe, but I gotta sit here and listen. With empathy. What a crock.

************************

Mylast client of the day stumbles through the door. He assumes theposition at my feet and continues the chant that brought me here. Hecriss-crosses his arms over the seat and lets his head hang over thewatery basin. “Ohhhh, Gaaaawd.” His moans are muffled by theporcelain bowl. I don't bother answering – he can't hear me anyway.

************************

I'mkicking back, gnawing on my thumbnail – something I only starteddoing to annoy my sister – when my next client flickers into focus. I recognize the room immediately. This pit could only the The Rat'sNest, a dive bar on the south side of Chicago. My subject stumblesinto the dingy restroom. His incessant moans have summoned me andnow I'm tethered to his side until he's finished, for better orworse, and trust me it's usually for the worse.

************************

Andcurrently:

God, how many more tortured souls do I have to deal with before I get a freaking break? I spit out the sliver of thumbnail I've gnawed off and lean forward, searching for the owner of the moan that echoes in my head. I can't see anything, but I know he's out there. They are always out there.

Mock Me Monday - Paranoia

2011-12-12T00:12:00.001-06:00

Two weeks after future hubs and I moved in together, our neighbors had a party. They made so much noise, we seriously considered calling the cops at 3 a.m. We didn't want to start a feud, so we rolled over and went back to sleep. A few hours later, we jumped off our balcony because one of these same neighbors passed out while smoking and started a raging inferno. He died.

So all that is sad but not mockable, right?

Bear with me.

If you've ever experienced a fire first hand, you know it changes you in unexpected ways. For me, it made me hyper vigilant about fire safety. Fireplaces were not romantic objects anymore, they were a source of anxiety and paranoia.

So one night a couple months after the fire, I sat in our new apartment (alone) watching Backdraft.

Big mistake. Huge. (did anyone else have a Julia Roberts flashback from Pretty Woman just now?)

I don't watch scary movies when I'm alone because I know they freak me out. Why I thought I could watch a movie about fires is beyond me. It didn't take long before my imagination got the better of me. I smelled something. I ran through the apartment sniffing things. Outlets, light switches, the toaster and every other appliance we owned. Anything that could pose a the remotest fire hazard.

Nothing.

I'd sit back down and a few minutes later I'd catch another whiff of *something* and I'd go tearing through the apartment sniffing like a purebred bloodhound all over again.

Still nothing.

Was I losing my mind?

During the few minutes after we discovered the fire, chaos reigned. It's crazy the fire safety rules you remember (and forget) from all those lectures as a kid. I know you're supposed to feel doors and handles to see if they're hot before opening them, but during the hubub, I yanked open the apartment door hoping to run down the stairs, but was met with a wall of flames. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

It was this memory of the fire burning just outside the apartment door that eventually prodded me into peeking out into the entryway to make sure there wasn't anything out there.

But there WAS something out there! A little hibachi grill and sizzling steak sat on the concrete pad between our doors.

I wish I could say it was an isolated incident -- a one time behavioral blip. The truth is I regularly run around smelling outlets, lamps, and any other potential fire hazard.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a Christmas tree to sniff.

World's Best Cupcake

2011-12-09T00:12:00.000-06:00

You know the old cliche....

A picture is worth a thousand words

In this case I think a picture is worth a thousand calories.

Look at this awesome cupcake I saw at the grocery store last night. (No, I didn't buy it...yet)

Say it with me: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

Of course, if you eat all that frosting you'll be making an entirely different sound that I can't quite mimic on my keyboard....

Any fun or exciting plans for the weekend?

Dear Santa

2011-12-08T00:12:00.000-06:00

Still no word on my computer. I'm typing this up on my lunch hour, so maybe I'll get a call this afternoon.

In the meantime, I ran across the BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD (pun sooooo intended -- you'll see)! This is going at the top of my Christmas list, and if I don't get it from Santa, I will just have to purchase it myself.

BEHOLD THE GLORY OF
USB HAND WARMERS

Dear ~~Santa~~ ThinkGeek Elves,

I love your site. You have so many unique gift ideas -- I directed the whole family to thinkgeek.com when searching for gift ideas for my son. I know some followed my advice because there happened to be a cute little monkey sticker in some of the packages.

What I want to know is where were these delightful USB Toast Hand Warmers when I spent hours pouring over your site deliberating over Christmas gifts for said son? I could have easily slipped it into my order a couple weeks ago and no one would have been any wiser. Now it's too late -- I'd have to break the thirty day rule and that's too serious to contemplate.

I need these. Do you know how cold my hands and feet get in the winter? (OOOH! I have another USB port, can you guys make a line of USB powered slippers? My tootsies would thank you.)

I work at a computer all day. It is so hard to type with frozen digits! These suckers (errr toasters?) will increase my productivity, and save innocent bystanders! (I can't help but reach out and grab their arms to prove how icy my hands are). You might even save a marriage. Poor hubs is not at all pleased when I go to bed (after hours of toiling away on a manuscript) with sub-zero extremities.

So, ThinkGeek.com, won't you make a new (but oh-so-devoted) customer even happier by making sure these handwarmers make it under my tree? Email me for directions... MissVSpeaks (at) gmail (dot) com.

Thanks so much!

Vicki Rocho

*************************

Okay, now that my blatant plea for help is out of the way, what's at the top of YOUR wish list this year?

One Liner Wednesday

2011-12-06T23:05:00.000-06:00

It's time again for One Liner Wednesday. My computer is still in the digital hospital, so I'm really glad for a short post today.

You know the rules, just share the last sentence you wrote or read or spoke.

I haven't written anything (kinda hard with the computer in the shop)

The last thing I read was crochet instructions. I won't bore you with the sc dc nonsense.

The last thing I said was "Good night, sugar!" to my kidling.

What's the last thing you wrote?

Spammers Revenge

2011-12-05T23:31:00.000-06:00

Let's face it, if you own a computer chances are good that you've had to deal with (a) spam (b) pop ups (c) viruses (d) all of the above at some time or other. My computer is in the shop for the next few days which has left me plenty of time to plot revenge against said spammers/malware creators.

So here are my list of things I wish I could do to those cretins of the internet:

1. I wish computers could have a "suit of armor" so no matter what spam/virus came at it, it'd bounce off the target and return to infect the original owner.

2. I wish virus creators would catch a REAL virus. Preferably something that requires a hospital stay....and lots of tests involving very large needles.

3. Oh, and some FOUL tasting medicine. That has to be taken eight times a day.

4. I wish the creators of those porn pop-ups would be reverse-infected with pop-ups for television evangelists.

5. I wish spammers were restricted to an all Spam diet.

6. I'd like to sentence hackers and spammers and the like to a lifetime of living in the remotest areas. No electricity let alone an internet connection. Yeah, that ought to do it.

7. No, wait! I'd also like that remote location to be unbearably hot and have a thriving bug population -- you know like six inch cockroaches which they'd have to catch because it'd be their only food source.

8. I'd like to publish their pictures all over the internet so their friends and family see what losers they are.

Your turn...what would you like to do to these cretins who live to take our computers down?

**************************************

As soon as I get my real computer back, I'll announce the winner(s) for the blogfest last week.

**************************************

Mock Me Monday - What Makes Me Laugh

2011-12-05T00:12:00.000-06:00

**********************************************

I will be scarce for the next few days. I've got a virus on my computer and I will not be logging on to anything requiring a password until it's fixed. I'm using the kids' computer now which means I had to wait until they were all in bed before I got a turn.

**********************************************

I'm known for many things amongst my friends and family. Most of these things we shall not discuss here. The trait in question is my love of leaving notes. I write them in the back of the kids' spiral binders. I write them on Post-Its and hide them all over the house.

My hope is that when they stumble across one of my haphazard notes that it will make them smile. Sometimes it's just a simple hi. Sometimes it gives a brief rundown of what's going on in the house. Whatever the message, I always date the note because I want to know how long it takes them to find it.

My memory isn't what it used to be. In fact, it kinda sucks. If I don't write it down, it not only doesn't get done, but it is completely obliterated from the memory banks...like it never even existed in the first place.

It seems natural, then, that I'd spend a good deal of time writing notes for myself. If I'm going to the store I'll jot down a quick list. If I'm going on a trip, I make a "do not forget" list days ahead of time so I have plenty of time to remember everything that needs to be remembered.

Most of my notes to myself are of the electronic variety. My daughter laughs at me because of the number of text messages I send to myself every day....way more than to anyone else combined.

So it wasn't too big of a surprise last Friday when I received yet another email reminder in my inbox. But this one was different because it made me laugh out loud.

Emphasis on the loud.

It seems last year at about this time, I set a reminder on my Google calendar about a very special event in the Rocho household. December 5th to be exact.

Yes, my friends, I'm happy to announce that today is my toilet's 21st birthday. Yes, you read that right. I set a reminder about my toilet's birthday. It was a year ago today I discovered a date stamped/engraved into the porcelain on the inside of my tank.

How do you suppose one should go about celebrating a birthday of this nature?

Should we drop 21 lit birthday candles into the bowl?

Flush a little cake and ice cream?

Happy Anniversary Mr. Niedermaier!

2011-12-02T00:12:00.000-06:00

It's been a whole year and I've still not heard from the elusive Craig Niedermaier.

For those of you who are new, here's the scoop:

I frequently have very vivid dreams.

Last December 1st/2nd I dreamed about an imaginary neighbor named Craig Niedermaier who (after only knowing me for a day) invited me to go to Morocco for the weekend with him and his daughters. I wanted to go, but then suddenly I remembered my husband and children and the last thing I know I'm trying to kill an infestation of bed bugs in the hallway of the apartment...they kept creeping down in the cracks of the hard wood floors which resulted in a comical game of Whack-A-Mole.

Yeah.

So, when I woke up, I Googled "Craig Niedermaier Chicago" and was surprised to find THERE REALLY IS SOMEONE with that name! Thus began my quest to "meet" the man.

Now, if you do a search for Craig Niedermaier I come up as #3. Muuuuahahahahaha

I had a contest between Craig Niedermaier and Peter McKay, (If you don't know who Peter is, you should click over right now and read some of his columns. Hysterical) Peter won hands down, obviously. He's good like that.

Maybe it's a waste of time.
Maybe it's a little pathetic.
Maybe I should just give it up...but I don't care.

I want to hear from him.

The only rule I have is that I cannot contact him directly...that's a copout. I'm open to suggestions though.

How do you get a total stranger to notice you?

Anyone?

Well I Never Blogfest

2011-12-01T00:12:00.007-06:00

It's here! It's finally here! I like simple blogfests -- things you can join quick and easy. To join, just finish this sentence

Well I never....

Maybe it's something you have never done.
Maybe it's something you never THOUGHT you'd do.
Maybe you wanna climb up on your soapbox and tell us about something you'll never understand.

Ready?

Things I've NEVER done:
--I've never mowed a lawn
--I've never changed a tire or had to do more than put gas in the tank.
(I love my hubby...)
--I've never gone skinny dipping
--I've never tried to smoke.
--I've never told the truth about my weight on my driver's license
--I've never snuck out of the house
--I've never gone sky diving (and NEVER will unless it's a passenger jet about to go down. Ditto that for anything involving heights)
--I never went to Prom. Or Homecoming.
--I never learned to read music. Not even a little bit.

Things I NEVER thought I'd do:
--I never thought I'd go to the bathroom outside
--I never thought I'd publicize my most embarrassing moments on the internet
--I never thought I'd make it past 500 posts
--I never thought I'd require personal assistance in the bathroom (that soooo needs to be explained!)
--I never thought I'd be mistaken for a Playboy Playmate (that also needs to be explained!)
--I never thought I'd willingly drink weird green (chaya) juice
(see pic...mine is the one with the icky residue at the bottom. Bleh.)
--I never thought I'd LIKE New York City. Go figure.
--I never thought I'd have five men in my bedroom at one time (that's SOOO not what it sounds like)

Apparently I need to get out more. Looking forward to the other entries -- here's the list so you can read all the entries.

Use THIS LINK for Mary, above.

I'm Not Gonna Lie...

2011-11-30T00:12:00.002-06:00

THIS made me a wee bit teary.

After 72 years of marriage, an [Iowa] couple dies within an hour of each other -- still holding hands. What a wonderfully sweet/sad story.

Last chance to sign up...tomorrow is the big day!

A reminder about the Well I Never Blogfest December 1st. Just post a line or two about something you've never done, never thought you would do or something you'll just never understand.

Sign up below:

Blast from the Past

2011-11-29T00:12:00.002-06:00

Twenty years ago today my husband and I went on our first date. One of these days I'll illustrate THAT story, but in the meantime, enjoy this re-run of how he and I met:

************************************************

November 26, 1991

Another dull work-day. The building was built around a courtyard so I could look into the offices (all glass fronts) on the other side.

(click to enlarge)

Things were slow, and in the five weeks I'd been there I'd already reorganized everything I could think of, so I spent an inordinate amount of time staring out the window into the other offices.

Directly across from me was the broadcasting / travel school where my friend Karen worked. She had told me about the job opening, and I was hired on my birthday. Students would often come up front and talk with her, and one in particular caught my eye.

I'd noticed him before. He spent his mornings either in the radio booth or up front shootin the breeze with Karen.

On this fine day in November, I called Karen as soon as he went back to the booth. Our conversation went like this:

"Hey. It's me. Who was that?"

"Who was who?"

"Who were you just talking to?"

"Jeff?"

"Is that his name?"

"Yeah, why?"

"He's got a nice ass."

*click*

And he did, friends. He totally did! He'd just gotten out of the Marine Corps a few months before. Need I say more?

She laughed...more from the fact that I'd called her up just to share my opinion than because she would even dare to disagree with me.

Karen, of course, told Jeff what I had said almost as soon as we hung up. I should have expected it, but in truth, I was just acting on impulse, and severe boredom. I about died of embarrassment when he walked in a few minutes later.

I don't remember our initial conversation except it was a little awkward, what with my face burning up all the oxygen in the room. He asked for my phone number and I thought he would call me that night, but nope. No such luck. The next day, (Wednesday) he came back and asked me out for Friday.

YAY!

I forgave him for not calling.

K-Bear saw my illustrations and decided to draw her own version. So now, for poops and giggles, here is her version:

She tells me that is NOT a bug flying off her daddy's head....

Don't you think we look like green M&M's here or maybe lima beans?

A reminder about the Well I Never Blogfest December 1st. Just post a line or two about something you've never done, never thought you would do or just don't understand.

Sign up below:

Mock Me Monday - Cupcake Caper

2011-11-28T00:12:00.002-06:00

Sometimes the painfully obvious eludes me. That's what gives me so much Mock Me Monday fodder. I sacrifice my pride to entertain, aren't you glad?

Once, I was named Cupcake Caretaker. Yes, a tray full of colorful, scrumptious looking cupcakes was entrusted to MY care.

We won't discuss the intelligence of this move. The owner of said cupcakes apparently didn't know of my terrible frosting affliction. I valiantly fought off would-be munchers. But late in the day, I was left alone.

With the cupcakes.

If you suffer from a sugar addiction like mine, then you'll know that cupcakes, cookies, ice cream, and other num nums have a voice and they call out to those who can hear. Kinda like Harry Potter speaking that snake language...

Anyway, there's only so much resistance in this body, and when the afternoon munchies set in, I couldn't help myself, I snuck off to the secret cupcake hideout and snagged me one of the beauties.

I ate it, and it was wonderful. The cake (white in this case) was moist and light. The frosting was smooth and (of course) sweet.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

I might have gotten away with it too, but I overlooked one very important small detail.

Sometimes food coloring stains.

And in this case my teeth and lips were GREEN.

So I'm smiling away at the world, completely unaware that I'm announcing my guilt with every toothy grin.

The moral of the story? Eat the frosting first so the cake will help 'wash' away the evidence.

A reminder about the Well I Never Blogfest December 1st. Just post a line or two about something you've never done, never thought you would do or just don't understand.

Sign up below:

Friday Funnies

2011-11-25T00:12:00.004-06:00

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean I'm stupid.

I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

******I have a phone card I no longer need. Still has 119 minutes left on it. I will gladly mail to anyone who can use it.******

A reminder about the Well I Never Blogfest December 1st. Just post a line or two about something you've never done, never thought you would do or just don't understand.

Sign up below (hope this linky tool works):

Anyone want a phone card?

2011-11-24T19:22:00.000-06:00

In the midst of my pre-Thanksgiving cleaning spree, I uncovered an old AT&T prepaid phone card from several years ago.

I have a cell phone with free long distance (and a butt load of minutes I'll never use) so I don't need the card anymore. I just checked the balance and there are 119 minutes left.I can mail the card or send the code -- I would just like to see someone get some use out of it.

I'll send it to the first person who emails me at MissVSpeaks (at) gmail (dot) com or comments below.

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T00:12:00.002-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

If you've got a lot to be thankful for this year,

maybe you should click HERE and help pay it forward.

One Liner Wednesday

2011-11-23T00:12:00.002-06:00

Okay all you NaNo-ers...what's the last line you wrote?

The last thing I wrote was my grocery list. I didn't want to resort to posting that, so I opened up the WIP for the first time in a couple weeks and dabbled for a bit. This is the first sentence:

God, how many tortured souls do I have to deal with before I get a freaking break?

Looking forward to reading your last lines!

BONUS:
A man in Houston's airport Friday was overheard saying: "So you're the guy with my underwear!"

Catching Up

2011-11-22T00:12:00.001-06:00

I'm cleaning out the review closet. If you're looking for balanced, well-thought out reviews, you've come to the wrong place. I suppose I could do that sort of analysis, but that seems too much like homework...so I'm just gonna highlight the things I really liked and / or disliked about each and leave it at that. Presented in the order I've read them:

Demon Princess by Michelle Rowen
Premise: Average girl discovers her father (who has been MIA) is actually a demon and not just that, he's a demon king. Trouble is brewing in his kingdom (which is the Shadowlands - a kind of buffer between Earth and Hades/Hell.

Sequel? - There is one, but everything was tied up in book one to my satisfaction, so I have no motivation to read another at the moment. That could change.

My take: I enjoyed the book while I was reading it, but it didn't resonate with me after I finished. There's nothing I can say I really disliked about it except maybe I guessed where the whole story was going from the beginning. There weren't any great surprises for me, but I still enjoyed it.

Demon Chick by Marilyn Kaye
Premise: Political mother sells her first born to the devil in exchange for a fast track to political power. Daughter must come back to find a way to stop her.

Sequel? I don't know if there is or not. Everything was tied up to my satisfaction, so I don't feel any great need to pick up a sequel at this point.

My take: I had trouble swallowing the premise -- that a mother would sell her first born for power. If that were true, I wanted more angst from the main character. I like the depiction of Hell and her demon "keeper", but I guessed a lot of the plot points ahead of time.

If Only It Were True by Marc Levy
This book is the basis for the movie Just Like Heaven with Reese Witherspoon.
Premise: Young doctor crashes her car and winds up in coma. Man who rents her apartment is only one who can see her 'ghost'. They fall in love, and he has to find a way to save her before they take her body off life support.

Sequel? I don't think there is, but I don't think I'd bother with it if there was one.

My take:
I don't usually see a movie before I read the book. But at the time I saw the movie, I didn't know it was based on a book. I love the premise of the book, but at the end of the day, I prefer the movie, and I NEVER say that.

The hero accepted the fact he was seeing a spirit way too easily. I preferred how the movie handled it. I also thought the characters in the movie were more complex than they were in the book. And then there was a whole lot of blah blah blah back story about the hero's mother that really had no bearing on the story except to explain how he came to own a beach house. Again, I preferred the twist in the movie that explained their connection.

K-Pax by Gene Brewer
Premise: Patient in mental institution claims to be an alien from the planet K-Pax. Therapist spends the book trying to debunk the claim. It irritates me how some books will go out of their way to find rational explanations for extraordinary events.

Sequel? I just learned there is another book, and I may read it at some point.

My take: I really liked this book, but it bugs me in paranormal books/movies how there's always SOME ONE who refuses to believe something extraordinary could be going on. I want to believe K-Pax is an alien but the ending rationalizes everything and it kinda pisses me off.

Goddess Bootcamp by Tera Lynn Childs
This is a sequel to Oh. My. Gods. The first book was checked out of the library, so I got this one.
Premise: Newly discovered goddess must attend a bootcamp over the summer to learn to control her powers so she can past a test the Gods are going to give her.

Sequel: Well, this is the sequel, but I think I would enjoy reading the first book.

My take: I enjoyed the story. The pace moves along at a nice clip, though I thought some of the main character's inner angst was repetitive. It bugged me how often she stressed over the upcoming test. I wanted to shout All right all ready. I get it. There's a big test coming up. And then after all that build up, I kinda thought the ending was lame. I won't give it away, but her actual test was pretty anti-climactic.

Demon Glass (Hex Hall) by Rachel Hawkins
Premise: Demon girl whisked away by demon father to England for the summer, and big drama ensues.

Sequel: There sure as hell better be a sequel! NOW, please.

My take: Again, the first book was checked out so I grabbed this one. This is one of my favorites. The plot zips along nicely and OMG what a cliffhanger. I actually shouted/pouted at the end. I did not like being left hanging like that.

Reincarnation by Suzanne Weyn
Premise: Guy meets girl, they die. Repeat throughout history. Eventually guy gets girl.

Sequel: This book was it's own prequel through sequel

My take: Meh. The book is imbalanced. Some sections are long and some are less than a page. Essentially, each section is the same except for name and wardrobe changes to reflect the current era. The premise held lots of potential, but I think some sections should have been cut and other sections expanded. I don't feel like I spent enough time in any one time period to really connect with the characters. I also had mixed feelings about the repetitive themes. She's a singer, he's an archer in the first meeting and so those predispositions followed them throughout the book. It seemed a little predictable by the end. Also, the heroine's nemesis is reincarnated time after time, and he was a jealous brute in each life -- I would've liked more depth and diversity.

The Next Door Boys by Jolene Perry
The Premise: Cancer survivor goes off to college and must balance desire for independence with healthy living and various relationships

My take: I enjoyed this a lot. It was a quick, easy read (just right for the white sands of Mexico). There are strong religious elements which define the character but were foreign to me and certain elements of courtship seemed dated (pardon the pun). I found the main character's need for independence and to distance herself from her "sick girl" identity to be completely believable and well-done. I liked how Noah seemed to be a great guy (what a first date!) and how the relationship with Brian just simmered in the background. One of my favorite parts is when Leigh realized she had feelings for Brian and starts analyzing everything he does/says to try and figure out if he felt the same.

Identical by Ellen Hopkins
The premise: Identical twins deal with absentee mother and abusive, alcoholic father. In verse.

Sequel: I don't think so. But there are lots of other books out there.

My take: My daughter was reading this and I picked it up after she finished. I was leery of the whole book-in-verse thing, to tell you the truth. But WOW. It swept me up immediately and didn't let go. Ellen Hopkins is a genius with making every word count. I loved when switching POV from one sister to the other. Certain words would be highlighted in each of their poems -- but with completely different meanings. Sometimes the poem is aligned into a shape or a letter which adds even more depth to story. And the ending -- I didn't see it coming, that's all I'm saying.

The Leisure Seeker by Michael Zadoorian

The premise: A man suffering from dementia and his terminally ill wife leave their home in Michigan for one last cross-country trek -- to Disneyland!

Sequel: No sequel, but there are several other books to quench your thirst.

My take: My sister brought this to Mexico and when I ran out of reading material, I snagged this. This is a quick and breezy read at turns laugh-out-loud funny and then grab-a-tissue poignant. The characters Ella and John are brilliantly developed. The ending I kind of suspected, but was still very satisfying.

You Don't Know Me by David Klass
The premise: Teen boy deals with his first love and his mother's abusive live-in boyfriend.

Sequel: I don't think there's a sequel, but there are plenty of other books.

My take: I wasn't sure about this when I started it. Who wants to read about a poor, abused boy while sunning on the white sandy beaches of Mexico? Boy, was I wrong. Fourteen year old John is smart and funny and completely engaging. You will feel for him when he gathers up his courage to ask his "Glory Hallelujah" out on a date...her response is completely unexpected. There's a lot of unexpected in this book -- but John's charming narrative won me over in the end.

Mock Me Monday - Pants

2011-11-21T00:12:00.003-06:00

I've written about my trouble with pants before. Apparently given my most recent experience, I should just give up wearing them altogether. While that might make my husband happy, I don't think it's a wise course of action given that winter is right around the corner.

You know it's gonna be a long day when you put your pants on inside out AND DON'T NOTICE. I might've been forgiven if they were elastic-waist pants. Sometimes they sew those inner seams so well it's hard to tell right from wrong. Side out that is.

But no. The pants in question were these little white number.

Note the seam going down the front and sides. There are even pockets. Also, two snaps and a button.

I pulled these on the other morning and my inner monologue went something like this:

Hey! The button fell off. I didn't even know it was loose. Crap. Oh, wait. There's a button on this side. Weird. Wasn't it an inside button before? I swear it was on the right and was inside. Hmmm. I kind of like it being on the outside, but that's really weird. How could I have not noticed that? Wait...is that a pocket? Oh dear God, they're inside out...

Don't worry. I fixed them before I left my room.

December 1st Blogfest. Just finish the sentence: Well I Never....

Sign up below (hope this linky tool works):

While I'm Away

2011-11-12T00:12:00.009-06:00

I'm lounging on a beach in Mexico sipping Margaritas for the next week, and I was going to schedule a week's worth of posts to go up while I'm away, but time got away from me so this is what you get to look at all week.

I HAVE scheduled a Mock Me Monday for November 21st that I had completely forgotten. My son read it the other night (while he was searching for Codyisms) and he cracked up reading it.

Maybe it's not that funny, he giggles at everything these days. ANYWAY, my point is I've tried to make up for my complete lack of posting prep by dangling a highly mockable moment just out of your reach.

--Moving On--

This is your week-long reminder about the Well I Never Blogfest December 1st.

On that day, (I think it's a Thursday), just complete the following:

Well, I Never...

Mine will probably be a string of confessions of things I've never done...unless I stumble across something that gets me all soap-boxy. (You know well I never...understood how someone could pick X over Z.)

There'll be PRIZES for random participants, too.

Sign up below:

String Bridge Chart Rush

2011-11-11T00:12:00.004-06:00

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It is a great pleasure and honor to host Jessica Bell's Amazon Chart Rush today. Jessica was one of my first followers and I'm so excited to be able to give back some of the support she's given over the last couple years. I waited to buy my copy of String Bridge today -- to help nudge it up the charts. I can't wait to read it.

********************************************************

Today is THE day to help Jessica Bell's debut, STRING BRIDGE, hitthe bestseller list on Amazon, and receive the all-original soundtrack, Melody Hill: On the Other Side, written and performed by the author herself, for free!

All you have to do ispurchase the book today (paperback, or eBook), November 11th, andthen email the receipt to:

jessica.carmen.bell(at)gmail(dot)com

She willthen email you a link to download the album at no extra cost!

To purchase the paperback:

Amazon USA
Amazon UK

To purchase the eBook:

Amazon USA

Amazon UK

To listen to samples of the soundtrack, visit iTunes.

If you arenot familiar with String Bridge,check out the book trailer:

Rave Reviews for String Bridge:

“Jessica Bell’s STRING BRIDGE strummed the fret of myveins, thrummed my blood into a mad rush, played me taut until the final page,yet with echoes still reverberating. A rhythmic debut with metrical tones ofheavied dark, fleeting prisms of light, and finally, a burst of joy—just aswith any good song, my hopeful heartbeat kept tempo with Bell’s narrative.” ~ Kathryn Magendie, author of Sweetie and Publishing Editor of Rose & Thorn Journal

“Poet andmusician Jessica Bell's debut novel String Bridge is a rich exploration of desire, guilt, and thedifficult balancing act of the modern woman. The writing is lyrical throughout,seamlessly integrating setting, character and plot in a musical structure thatallows the reader to identify with Melody's growing insecurity as her worldbegins to unravel … String Bridge isa powerful debut from a promising writer, full of music, metaphor, and just ahint of magic.” ~ Magdalena Ball, author of RepulsionThrust and Sleep Before Evening

“Jessica Bell is a brilliant writerof great skill and depth. She doesn't pull back from the difficultscenes, from conflict, pain, intensity. She puts it all out there, no holdsbarred, no holding back. She knows how to craft a scene, how to developcharacter, how to create suspense. This is an absolutely brilliant debut novel.I look forward to reading hernext novel, and next and next.” ~ Karen JonesGowen, author of Farm Girl, Uncut Diamonds and House of Diamonds

Connect with Jessica:

String Bridge: http://www.stringbridge.com/
Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/jessica_bell
Website: http://www.jessicacbell.com/
Blog: http://thealliterativeallomorph.blogspot.com/
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/author.jessica.bell
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/MsBessieBell
Publisher: http://www.luckypress.com

Please TWEET and/or FACEBOOK this post using #StringBridge!

Things I'd Like to See Part 6 (?)

2011-11-10T00:12:00.004-06:00

I'm baaaaaack with another list of fabulous products/services/gadgets/wizbangs to make my life (and I hope yours) easier. Without further ado, let's get started.

1. Now that I'm a Kindle owner, I really wish there were one universal format for ereaders. So when I get a gift certificate to Barnes & Noble or Amazon or that cute little indy shop down the road, I'd like to know that I could stock up on reading material. Imagine if music or movies all had proprietary formatting. Are you likely to want to have a different CD player for each of the major studios?

2. Also, now that I own a Kindle I have a newfound conflict when it's time to purchase books. Paper or digital? I would love it if the publishers allowed you to download the electronic version of the book for free or 99 cents when buying the paper copy.

3. I wish there was a little clock in the corner of the TV that would count down commercials so you knew whether or not you had time to go to the bathroom/make a sandwich before your show came back on. I KNOW a lot of you have DVR and so this problem fixes itself, but some of us are still living in the dark ages and would like the counter.

4. Frequently these days I wander through the store looking for *something* and I can't find it. I know they have it, just don't know in which of their 47 aisles it can be located. On these occasions, I'd love to whip out my phone and text "straws" or "face paint" to the store and have someone text me back with the location. I know a lot of you have smart phones and there's probably an app for that...but I still think having texting capabilities is pretty advanced.

5. QR codes are awesome. If you don't know what I'm talking about they are those black and white squares with blotches and squiggles inside. If you take a picture with your Smart Phone, you are automatically redirected to a website. (Google image) I have a couple new applications

6. During a recent car buying trip, our salesman had to keep digging out a piece of paper out of his pocket to tell us what the prices of the cars were. The dealership REALLY ought to invest in QR codes for each car. Most put their inventory online anyway, right? By putting a QR sticker on each car, salesmen could pull up the information on their phones. It would also be helpful if people shopped on Sundays to avoid the salesmen, but still wanted more information on the car.

7. When I first started going to the gym a year or so ago, there was a lot of equipment there that I found intimidating as hell. I wish the gym would have posted a video on their website on how to use each piece of equipment. Once I learned about QR codes, though I thought it would be cool if they would put a QR sticker on each machine so if you're not sure, you could whip out your phone and be patched through to a video demo.

8. I'd like to see you sign up for the Well I Never Blogfest. On December 1st just complete the prompt: Well, I never....make it a confessional, make it over the top crazy, make it a soapbox about something you just don't understand. You making it will make my day!

New & Improved - Cody Quotes

2011-11-09T00:12:00.003-06:00

On the way back from dropping daughterling off, Cody and I were singing and being silly in the car. Then he asked me if I was an "evil singing wizard pirate mother"?
Yes. Yes I am.

But that's not even the best part. I gave him my cell phone and asked him to text me my new title so I could remember it. I talked him through the process (no way was I gonna text and drive, you see). When we got home and I looked at my messages, do you know what he sent me?

"Woof."

*************************
We had to send a note to school recently because Cody has been mispronouncing our last name. It's Rock-oh for those of you who are curious. Everyone else calls us Roe - coe or Roach-oh. Normally this is no big deal, I'll answer to anything, but I figure a boy ought to know how to say his own name.

So after this big production, he was playing on the computer when one of us happened to say "Rocho" and he piped up:
"By the way, that is correct."

************************

Me: Cody, what did you learn from the car book?
C: Nothing....but the secrets of life.
Me: Wow. The secrets of life are in the Honda manual.
C: Yes, actually.

********************

While watching a show on TV recently, Cody became very agitated. I asked him what the problem was and he said:
"Not happy about this the graphics are bad." Turns out the show was not using capital letters for any of the words on the screen.

**********************

Who says kids aren't impressionable? After seeing an Aleve commercial, Cody said:
"I have arthritis pain" When I asked him where it hurt he replied "Everywhere"
Might have to screen his commercials from now on.

*********************
TEXT Exchange
9:53 Daughterling to me:
If I give you two dollars will you bring us lunch today?

Me:
TWO DOLLARS? What are you eating, skittles?

9:55 Daughterling:
...Three dollars?

Me:
What is this, an auction?

9:56 Daughterling:
My belly desires chicken nuggets and a dr. pepper

Me:
I dunno. Feeling cheap after that doctor bill.

9:58 Daughterling:
$3.50?

(I didn't see this one, so at 10:11 the phone rings)

D: Mooooooooommmmmmy?
M: What, are you hoping the sound of your voice will melt my cold, icy heart?
D: Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
M: (laughs)
D: I have $3.50.
M: I like auctions too, but I'm more interested in services than cash. Are those dishes going to be there when I get home?
D: I don't know...................(but clearly getting the hint)
M: Yeah, I'd definitely like to see those dishes done. And maybe you should tell your sister to start the laundry...

************************

Not sure where this gem came from:
"What would happen if i teleported into your eye?"

************************

This one doesn't take any additional explanations:
"Mom! She touched me with her pee germs!"

*************************

While tucking Cody into bed...he really likes it when I go cross-eyed. He tries to mimic me, but can't quite do it...so he sticks his tongue out and touches the tip of his nose.

(showoff)

I laugh and show him that I cannot reach my nose. So he leans forward and says:

"Do it to my nose"

So I lick his nose, he wipes it off and goes to bed.

*************************

Cody visited me in the office awhile back. He confirmed the name of the company I work for then said, "Rename it (Boss' Name) Industries and put up a sign tomorrow so you know it's your workplace"

************************

Ad on TV: Qwest is now Century Link....

C: I don't want Century Link.
M: Me either.
C: I want Qwest. They need to bring Qwest back.
M: Yeah!
C: We've got to fight for Qwest! We've got to fight for our good companies!

*************************

Billboard I saw this summer:

Your wife is hot.
Time to get the Air Conditioning fixed.

**************************

And finally, an original Cody joke.

What sound does a tree make?
Give up?
BARK!

****************************************************

If you haven't already, sign up for the

Well I Never Blogfest December 1st

It's quick. It's easy. It's fun.

****************************************************

He Lied to Me!

2011-11-08T00:12:00.001-06:00

One of the kids watched 101 Ways to Leave a Game Show awhile back.

Not a fan, personally.

My biggest beef with game shows these days is how they stall the action to increase the suspense and tension and it pisses me off. Yeah, sorry about the language, but it does. Like Deal or No Deal for instance. The way they stall before opening cases drives me crazy.

Bob Barker didn't do that.
Pat Sajak didn't do that.
Alex Trebek didn't toy with the contestants.

It's a new trend I tell you and it sucks. Just play the damn games already.

But I'm getting off topic.

So one of the questions on this show was:

Which two of the following were once an Olympic Sport?

-tug of war
-croquet
-arm wrestling

I thought I had this wrapped up. You see, I had a neighbor once who told me he had earned an Olympic medal in arm wrestling back in the 80's. Imagine my shock when the game show announcer guy said the WRONG answer was arm wrestling.

I sat here sputtering, "But...but...but...that means he LIED to me!"

I even Googled it to make sure.

Boy, do I feel stupid finding out some loser lied to me and I BOUGHT it for twenty years.

Mock Me Monday - Chocolate Boy

2011-11-07T00:12:00.002-06:00

We're dong something a little different today. We found a treasure trove of my daughter's early writings this weekend. We laughed so hard, we cried...or I did. So I'm going to share one of my favorites with you. The file was entitled "Chocolate Boy" but I have no idea where that came from, as you shall see.

I should note that she was only 9 when she wrote this.

“KellyCarson lived with her incredibly good looking little brother, Jake,who happened to be 8 years hold.”

“Jake, I told you not to mess this up. It’s old, O-L-D. Now thenarrator isn’t gonna like us anymore!”

“Wellhow can we hide our mistake?”

“Iknow, if the narrator’s out getting a doughnut, we can

crumpleup our mistake and hide it, in- in- in his coffee cup!” Kelly said.

“Yeah,that’s a great idea!” Jake agreed.

They’rea bunch of idiots... Jake, Kelly, I heard every thing you said. Sonow I’m gonna tell the story the right way.

“Fine!”Kelly replied.

“Ihate you.” Jake muttered.

KellyCarson was 14 years old and Jake was 8 years old. They lived on afarm with no one besides the animals. Kelly had to drag him by hishands to take him to her farm. Jake had one- maybe two, nofifty-seven, hold on, let me look at my papers, oh three. Sorry. Jakehad three problems, his hyper activeness, his short-term memory loss,and his bad hearing.

“Jake,did you feed the horses yesterday? They’re lookin’ kinda thin.”Kelly said.

“I’msorry, what did you say?” Jake asked.

“Isaid did you feed the horses yesterday?” Kelly said.

“Idon’t know!” Jake said.

“You’rea stupid super-hyper-bad hearing-short term memory- little kid!”Kelly said.

“Thenyou’re a piece of- of- of-fish rap!” Jake cried.

“Jake,calling me fish rap, is going to make you a bunny. You better becareful, I’ve been practicing my magic.”

“Shutup, Kel- Ahhh!” Jake screamed.

“POOF,you’re a bunny!” Kelly said.

“Momand Dad are gonna kill you once they see me!” Jake said.

“Didn’tthink of that, bye!” Kelly said.

“Kelly,come back here! You better come back here!” Jake said.

“Sorry,cannot understand bunny. Good-bye little bunny, I’m going toCalifornia to live at least until you die. Bye!” Kelly said. “Oh,and just in case Mom can still talk to bunnies, I’ll tape you’remouth shut with DUCK TAPE! Come here ducks!”

“Quack!Quack! Quack!”

“Ducks,tape him.” Kelly said.

“No!”Jake cried.

Imay have told this story, but when I sent it to the editor, it cameback with lines, red and green. So maybe I’ll keep telling thestory, but this time, maybe I won’t let those two littlehillbillies write the story. I’ll have to hire a writer.

THEEND

****************************************************

If you haven't already, sign up for the

Well I Never Blogfest December 1st

It's quick. It's easy. It's fun.

****************************************************

Keyboards of the World

2011-11-05T00:12:00.000-05:00

Among my daughter's pictures from her trip to France, was one of a typical computer keyboard -- a few letters were in different spots -- at least compared to what we're used to with the Qwerty versions.

So, for your visual enjoyment, here are keyboards from around the world. (According to Google Images)

African

Arabic

Australian


British

Chinese


French


German


Greek

Italian

Japanese

Spanish

OMG!

2011-11-04T00:12:00.001-05:00

This post right here...these words you are reading now...

THIS is my 500th post.

Wow. Just wow. Who knew when I started that I'd make it this far?

It calls for a celebration, don't ya think?

In fact, I think it calls for a blogfest -- a quick n easy blogfest.

Here's the deal.

On December 1st

(after NaNo, conveniently enough)

post your answer to this prompt:

Well, I never...

(you really need to get a good Southern drawl going when you say it)

Make it a list of things you've never done.
Make it a tirade on something you just don't understand
Make it as short or long as you like.
Whatever...as long as you answer the question I'm good.

Oh Oh Oh!

And there'll be PRIZES for random participants.

Cuz I'm nice like that.

Managing Disappointment

2011-11-03T00:12:00.003-05:00

You know that feeling you get when you read a book by a beloved author only to find the new one didn't quite measure up?

Don't get me wrong...it was good and you're glad you read it, but it just didn't quite measure up to your lofty expectations?

That feeling has now landed in my cupboard. Look at this. Is it any wonder I'm disappointed every time I crack one open?

Clearly I'm missing another inch or two of chocolatey goodness. I think this borders on false advertising.

One Liner Wednesday

2011-11-02T00:12:00.002-05:00

Regrettably, I haven't been doing much reading or writing this past week. But I purposefully sat down to write for a bit JUST so I'd have something to offer up today. My one line is:

Iget enough of them at work, thank you very much.

What about you? What's the last thing you wrote/read/spoke/thought/dreamt/hallucinated?

Ultimate Recycling

2011-11-01T00:12:00.001-05:00

I've been beefing up my summer wardrobe in preparation for my first trip to Mexico. The only thing I need now is a cover-up for my swimsuit. But cheapskate that I am, I didn't want to spend anything for it.

So.....I got creative.

I went to the thrift store and got the largest white T-shirt I could find (I wanted my cover up to be plenty roomy)

I found this one:

See? Just a plain white T.
(crap, now I'm gonna get a zillion searches for the band)

So BOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING. The shirt, not the band.

I did some Googling and some YouTube surfing and came up with a plan to spruce it up just a bit.

First, I cut the bottom into strips like this:

That was okay, but I can't cut a straight line to save my life and it was WAY obvious. Fortunately, when you PULL on T-Shirt material, it kinda rolls up so all of your crooked cuts are camouflaged. Like this:

That was better, but still not what I wanted.

I took two "strings" and tied a knot about a third of the way down. After I did that all the way around, I went back and tied the right string from one knot to the left string of the next.

To finish up, I cut out the neck and fringed the sleeves.

This is just what I wanted, casual, cheap (only cost me ONE DOLLAR!) and roomy!

I saw a version where you string beads on the fringe, and while that was kinda cool -- I didn't trust myself to find the right combination to keep it from looking juvenile.

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T00:12:00.033-05:00

Okay, I know you're tuning in for Mock Me Monday, but it's Halloween and the PERFECT day to unveil the coolest thing since Diet Coke.

Remember the Epic Demonic Chicken post?

The amazingly talented and fantabulous Vic Caswell from Hairnets and Hopes accepted my challenge to bring this puppy, er chicken to life and I LOVE what she's done.

If you haven't had the pleasure, you really ought to click over and introduce yourself. Really. I'll wait.

Take a look:

All he needs now, is a name.

Let's have a little naming contest, shall we? Leave your suggestions in the comments -- enter as many times as you like.

Oh, and I want you to tell me what colors Vic uses in her blog header -- you did click over, didn't you?

I'll pick a winner eventually and send you something for your effort.

Question of the Day

2011-10-29T00:12:00.000-05:00

Here's the situation: You've taken a bite of something

a sandwich

mashed potatoes

a cookie

salad

or whatever

and you notice a hair.

What do you do?

Will any of these factors change your answer?

It's clearly your own hair
It's clearly NOT your hair
You're eating at home / you prepared whatever you're eating
You're eating at a restaurant / someone else cooked for you

Generally speaking, I'll remove the hair and continue eating.

I suppose if I got the item from someone with questionable hygiene, I might have to suddenly declare myself "stuffed" and unable to eat another bite. Of course, chances are slim that I'd accept food from someone like that in the first place so....yeah.

How about you?

I Am NOT A Prude.

2011-10-28T00:12:00.000-05:00

I am not a prude, but this year shopping for Halloween costumes pushed me over the edge.

I visited several Halloween stores and searched for costume ideas online. And I want to know WHY all the girl costumes (over the age of about 5) are so skimpy?

The problem is threefold for me.

First, no way do I want my girls (10 and 16) running around with so much skin exposed.

Since when does Halloween = sex?

Do we really want our tramped up darlings going door to door to beg for candy?

Second, I live in Iowa. And the weather is pretty much a crap shoot on Halloween. It's usually better to have a costume where at least MOST of your flesh is covered in case it snows....

Third, these itty bitty "costumes" cost an arm and a leg. I'm not kidding it's nothing for one of these specialty Halloween stores to charge $50 for a couple ruffles and ribbons. I refuse to pay that much for something the kids will only wear once.

In a quick 30 second search, here's what I found to illustrate my point:

"The Cupcake Girl"
Oh yeah, this reminds me of a cupcake.
(insert sarcastic eye roll)

The Referee
I don't even wanna know what sport she's monitoring.

Elmo
In a way, this one disturbed me more than the others.

I can't even begin to tell you how WRONG it is to make Elmo - beloved by 3 year olds everywhere - into something sexy.

Ewwww, people. Just EWWWWW.

If adults want to run around in lingerie, fine. Personally, I prefer it when people dress up like a real cop or real referee and not these micro mini nightmares...but that's just me.

Would you let your daughters wear any of these?

A Little Support

2011-10-27T00:12:00.009-05:00

They say 70-80% of women wear the wrong bra size.

This little nugget is usually shared by a "fitting specialist" employed by some hoity toity department store. She'll whisper it in your ear as she's taking your measurements so she can tell you which of their overpriced bras you should really be wearing. It's meant to reassure us, to make us feel like we're not alone.

But I'm here to tell you the reason 70 to 80% of women are wearing the wrong bra size is that the manufacturers don't make bras that will even begin to fit most of us. I've measured myself, I know what size I should be wearing, and they don't sell it at most stores -- and if they do, it's not at a price I'm willing to pay.

This is a problem, and dare I say it? A crisis. We deserve pretty, well-fitting bras, too, dagnabit.

I appreciate the manufacturer's vote of confidence, but contrary to popular belief, not all of our cups runneth over just because our band size is over 36. When bra shopping, I generally have three options:

Buy the smaller cup size and sacrifice a few inches on the band. Sometimes I can make this up with an extender, but not always.
Buy the larger cup size in order to score a good fit around, but look for a 'molded' cup as it's more likely to hide my secret -- that there's not enough of me to fill up that cavernous space.
Buy the lace or satin cup in a comfortable band size and resign myself to wearing bulky sweaters and jackets so no one can see how the excess material has bunched up and wrinkled.

This is why I proposed the Pump Up Bra ages ago. Why should I expand to fill the bra? Shouldn't it conform to my contours (or lack thereof)?? Where, oh where, is a fashion engineer when you need one?

Ladies, perhaps we should form our own movement. Forget Wall Street, let's Occupy Victoria's Secret.

I'm sure we'll get lots of support from the men in our lives....

The Addiction Explained...

2011-10-26T00:12:00.003-05:00

I admit I was deliberately vague with my clues, but even after I tell you the answer, a few of these need to be explained.

The Addiction: Q-Tips

The clues again with commentary in bold (the red was an eye killer...sorry)

I use this everyday. Sometimes several times. (they itch...which is really a sign I should stop using them, but the itch drives me crazy)
I've been using this for as long as I can remember (Mom used to clean her ears with the back end of a bobby pin...so really a QTip is way safer)
It is not illegal, though no self-respecting physician would condone its use (hearing loss, punctured ear drums, etc.)
I've tried quitting, but obviously haven't been successful (see the itch comment above...)
When I don't use this, it's ALL I can think about (see the itch comment above...)
I'm afraid someone will walk in on me while I'm using this (I went to school with a guy who punctured his eardrum. If that's not enough to give you the willies, I'll add four more words: he answered the phone. Not sure how you forget you have a QTip in your ear, but ever since I'm afraid someone is gonna sneak up behind me and I'll jump and injure myself)
I'm concerned about side effects from using this -- which are serious and possibly irreversible (see last comment. Ouch.)
Chances are good you have this in your house (do you?)

I loved reading all your guesses!

Guess the Addiction

2011-10-25T00:12:00.002-05:00

Can you guess what I'm addicted to based on the following clues?

I use this everyday. Sometimes several times.
I've been using this for as long as I can remember
It is not illegal, though no self-respecting physician would condone its use
I've tried quitting, but obviously haven't been successful
When I don't use this, it's ALL I can think about
I'm afraid someone will walk in on me while I'm using this
I'm concerned about side effects from using this -- which are serious and possibly irreversible
Chances are good you have this in your house

So, any guesses?

EDITED to say:
Looks like a trend for caffeine has started. Perhaps I should add that swallowing this is NOT a good idea..

Mock Me Monday - The Dressing Room

2011-10-24T00:12:00.002-05:00

I'm going to Mexico in a couple weeks. I'm not trying to make you jealous, though I'm okay with it if you are. You see, I'm normally the one who sulks at home while everyone else visits exotic locations -- and in the heart of winter, I'm especially envious. But this year -- for the first time ever -- it's MY turn.

The problem is that not many of my warm-weather clothes survived the summer intact. The good news is that all of the summer clothes are hanging on the clearance racks in the stores. The selection isn't that great, but hey -- no one knows me in Mexico.

So this weekend, I saw this super cute black and white halter dress. This is the closest thing I could find in my 30 second Google Image search:

I snatched it off the rack -- the last one in my size. It was meant to BE! I could already see myself trouncing (yes, I trounce) along the beach in my new dress. It'd even serve as a decent cover up.

Oh LUCKY Me!

So in the dressing room, I examine the dress to see if there were any zippers or other potential hurdles. There was a built in bra with some extended lining. I slip my hands through the bottom of the skirt and through the top then try to pull it over my head an down to my hips.

Only it won't budge.

I've somehow got the lining tangled up and I'm STUCK. I can sorta see myself in the mirror through the fabric and it's not pretty. My hands are flopping around out of the top as I squirm and thrash trying either to pull it off or on the rest of the way.

I start to worry I might not get it off. What then? Will I have to ask a stranger for help? Determined to avoid that humiliation, I finally manage to pull the damn thing over my head.

That's when I discover it's not a halter dress at all. It's a swim suit. It's no wonder I got tangled.

From now on, I'm not shopping alone. I might need someone to use the Jaws of Life to get me out of an unfortunate wardrobe malfunction.

Just for Fun

2011-10-22T00:12:00.001-05:00

Here is a makeover site you might enjoy.

It's FREE and lots of fun. I know this probably doesn't do much for the guys, but it could also help you visualize characters...

www.taaz.com

The Greatest Gift

2011-10-21T00:12:00.002-05:00

I've received some wonderful gifts in my life. Some, like my children, were anxiously awaited. Others, like a small blue sapphire necklace from hubby when we were dating were completely unexpected. Not to dis my children, but I think it's the unanticipated gifts that really take my breath away.

Good health, a roof over my family's head -- these are all wonderful gifts and I'm very appreciative. I don't want to sound like an ingrate when I tell you what's upstaged all of these.

I think it's the gift you get when you're down, that really has the power to make your spirit soar. And while I won't say I've been depressed, I will say I haven't been myself lately. I'm such a die hard optimist and sunshiny kinda person that my depression is still pretty perky from the outside looking in.

But I've been off.

Feeling lumpier than usual, and tired, and just not me.

I should add that I've been avoiding the scale because I KNEW it would have bad news for me and if I saw that number, I'd have to DO something and, well, sometimes ignorance is bliss, ya know?

But this particular morning, feeling strangely immune to the taunts of the scale (or perhaps I was delirious), I stepped on the sucker and held my breath fully expecting it to register at LEAST 10 pounds more than it was supposed to.

But you know what?

It was the SAME! My zero weight gain was the biggest, greatest gift I could have received. I'm still celebrating this non-victory.

I deserved those extra 10 pounds, lemme tell ya. I earned every stinking one of them and I'm a bit flummoxed why they weren't there. HAPPY, but definitely perplexed.

Any unexpected victories / surprises / gifts popping up in your lives?

Bloggy Love

2011-10-20T18:51:00.000-05:00

By a chance click tonight, I happened across THIS post.

The writer is in a dark place and could use some kind, encouraging words. Please click over if you have a minute.

Search Terms

2011-10-20T00:12:00.005-05:00

I don't know WHAT is going on in the world lately, but I've been INUNDATED with Y - o - G - a - b - b - a searches.

I mention them ONE time months ago and look what's happened.

This is a list of search terms over the last half day. I've had over 100 searches, all total. ONE HUNDRED hits for ONE measly post A YEAR AGO.

I don't get it.

At ALL.

But what I REALLY don't get is the one near the bottom...

Do you see it?

Epic demonic chicken.

My memory may not be as sharp as it used to be, but I'm pretty sure I've never talked about demonic chickens. Though I WOULD like to see an artist's rendering of one. Anyone feel up to the challenge?

It's too bad we can't put (parentheses) around terms we don't want searched or indexed. I could put an end to the YG nonsense once and for all.

One Liner Wednesday

2011-10-19T00:12:00.000-05:00

I'm posting the last line I've written/read/spoke on Wednesdays and encouraging you to do the same.

I haven't written anything for a few days, so I'm going with the last line I've read this week.

From Identical by Ellen Hopkins:

What snatches my immediate
attention is Greta, hand in hand
with the same gentleman who
visited a few weeks ago. (page 346)

What's the last thing you wrote?
...read?
or
...spoke?

Gotta Get Me One Of These!

2011-10-18T00:12:00.002-05:00

As you know, I'm rather fond of bathroom humor around here. I don't plan it that way, it just sorta happens. This one is definitely bathroom related, but there's nothing funny about it!

CLICK ME

A toilet with a heater in the seat (it can also toast your tootsies on the floor), LED lights, a seat that opens and closes by itself, and a remote control? Oh YES -- PLEASE!

...it has a hefty price tag but since when is cool cheap?

Of course something this upscale would look ridiculous in my down-scale bathroom. Still, a girl can dream, right?

What cool gadget / thing would you like to have even thought it's totally impractical?

Mock Me Monday - TMI

2011-10-17T00:12:00.006-05:00

It all started with white pants.

Again.

I know, I know. It's after Labor Day. I'm supposed to have packed them away already. But what do I care about such archaic social constraints? I'll wear my white pants as long as I want to, thank you very much.

So I -- ummmm -- had this tender spot on my booty, okay?

(Just agree with me, I don't really expect any of you to have first hand knowledge).

I don't know if it was my pants or my work chair, but something was rubbing and irritating that spot. Finally I went to the restroom to investigate. I don't know if it was a pimple or a bug bite, I couldn't really see anything but I somehow scratched it open and it started to bleed -- kinda a lot.

Let me do the math for you:

Blood + White Pants = Uh Oh Spaghettios

Fortunately, I went on this art studio tour with my sister over the weekend.

Bear with me. This is relevant I swear.

I happened to wear my new Hush Puppy shoes. Just a simple black loafer. The thing is the shoes were so new I wasn't sure how comfortable they'd be trekking around in them for a whole day. Soooooo Girl Scout Wannabe that I am, I stuck a couple Bandaids in my purse just in case.

I retrieved the Bandaid, but encountered yet another problem.

You shouldn't be surprised. This is Mock Me Monday afterall. Nothing is ever that simple in my life, is it? Let me ask you one little question and you'll understand my difficulty:

Have you ever tried to put a Bandaid on your own butt?

It's not easy, folks. Not easy at all. It's kinda like a dog chasing its tail.

Maybe I should pack the white pants away afterall.

Help Wanted

2011-10-15T00:12:00.002-05:00

I've got two items I need help with.

First, there is an electronic device kinda like a cross between a typewriter and laptop. ALL it's good for is typing. It's a self-contained word processor and I know SOMEONE blogged about this about a year ago but do you think I can remember what it was called or where I read it? If you know what I'm talking about, please talk to me in the comments or email me at MissVSpeaks (at) gmail (dot) com.

Second, I have a request for international readers. My husband collects beer and energy drink cans. Christmas is coming up and I'd like to give him some exotic new ones. If you have some empty cans you'd like to get rid of (that's right, you can drink 'em first), then leave me a comment or email me at MissVSpeaks (at) gmail (dot) com.

I'm willing to pay or work out some kind of trade. He's got a LOT of cans, so chances are if it's a popular brand he already has it. I'll post pics of his collection later to give you some idea what I'm up against.

PS - I'm offline for most of the weekend but I will get back to you...

Friday Funnies

2011-10-14T00:12:00.000-05:00

I got this from my sister.

I'm sorry if this offends anybody, but I happen to think this is funny.

In case you can't read it, it says:

Religion is like a penis.
It's fine to have one.
It's fine to be proud of it.
But please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around.
And PLEASE don't try to shove it down my children's throats.