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Tuesday, March 4, 2014

How to Be Better Criminal

How to Avoid Criminal Behavior in 10 Easy Steps

I have a weekend job processing police reports, and boy are some of them doozies!  In the interest of reducing crime, I'm offering these 10 quick and easy ways to avoid criminal behavior:

1. Get better friends.
Ones that won't rat you out or get you arrested by association...or lock you in a closet while your girlfriend goes to get the money you owe them.

2. Cooperate.
This may sound like a no-brainer, but you would be surprised how many people try to run or pull away or even fight.  One guy got tazed three times before he finally decided to knock it off.  

3. Don't lie
I'm amazed at how many people lie to police officers.  And guess what?  They always find out, and then you get another charge added to your list.  One lady got picked up for drunk driving, and gave a fake name/date of birth.  The police found out when her boyfriend kept calling the jail asking for "Jenny" when she said her name was "Sue".  

4. If you do lie, make it good.
One guy got pulled over for a small infraction - a burned out tail light or something similar.  Dufus that he was, though, he gave the police someone else's name and social security number.  Problem was that person's license had been revoked, so he got arrested on the spot and had to spend the night in jail.

5. If cops are gonna let you go, don't leave evidence behind.
Police officers were questioning someone, decided to let him go, then found evidence in the back seat of the squad car tying the suspect to the crime they were just questioning him about.  

6. Leave the contraband at home. 
If you are checking yourself into the jail to serve your sentence, don't bring things with you that could get you in trouble -- like weapons or drugs -- unless you want to add a felony to your criminal resume.

7. If you are going to threaten police officers, don't put it in writing.
An inmate was disgruntled with the way one of the deputies was treating him (you know, making him follow the rules!), so he filed a complaint - which is completely within his rights to do...but in the complaint he made numerous threats to the deputy and his family which wound up as Exhibit A in his harassment case...

8. Don't live in an apartment.
Now some of the folks that cross my desk own their own homes, but the vast majority live in apartments. So clearly (please note sarcasm) apartment life is a risk factor for criminal behavior.

9. Beware of video cameras.
Woman stole something from the store.  Police had a picture printed from the security cameras showing her tucking the item into her sweatshirt...and she still denied it!  I wish this were an isolated incident. 

10.  Make sure your vehicle is in good running order.
Not only will this help you escape if need be, it will help you elude the notice of officers in the first place.  You have no idea how many people are caught because their headlights or tail lights aren't working.  I just saw someone with outstanding warrants get picked up because he was driving around on a COMPLETELY flat tire. Duh.


3 comments:

Mason Canyon said...

Criminals can make for some very funny incidents. I especially like the ones who get caught on video and still insist they didn't do it. :)

Jolene Perry said...

I'd love to add - WEAR CLOTHES THAT FIT b/c when your pants fall around your ankles, it isn't pretty...
This is HILARIOUS!!

I'm so glad you popped in to say hello!!

Carolyn V said...

Those are so funny!!! I bet you get to see a ton of interesting things on those reports. ;)