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Friday, November 8, 2013

LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE


Found this in the archives and it made me giggle, so I decided to post it.  Enjoy.

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What is it with women and their weight?  You know what I mean.  Women guard their real weight like it's a national secret.  I'm as guilty as anyone. The ONLY humans on the planet who know what I *really* weigh are me and my doctor…and if I could eliminate her (or at least snuff out those three little numbers on chart) I would.  In a heartbeat.



But WHY?  It's not like people can't tell by LOOKING at me that I'm lugging around a few extra pounds. Trust me, there ain't a soul on this planet blessed with the gift of sight who'd believe I'm a svelte 115  not my real weight. Also not my 'fake' weight.  So why the secrecy?  Do I think I can fool them into thinking it's not as bad as I know it is by refusing to quantify it with an actual number?


It's not like they won't figure it out anyway.  I've been having a weight loss contest with my husband the last couple months.    Anyway, I won't tell him my starting weight – or my ending weight for that matter.  We go on the honor system and compare our total loss for the month.  



But, much to my chagrin, the man can add.  Eventually he's going to realize there's no way I could have been 120 pounds not my real weight either. and lose 40 of them without winding up in the hospital in the process.  If he's going to figure it out eventually, why not just come clean now?



Because I can't.  I've been holding onto this secret too long to just let it go willy nilly.



I tell myself it's nobody's business. True.  The general public has no need to know those magic digits. The only person I'd willingly – happily – tell would be an anesthesiologist.  Want to make sure he/she gets those drug dosages just right, thank you very much.  But since I'm not having surgery anytime soon, there's no need to start singing like a canary. Whew.



Want to induce a nationwide panic?  Install secret scales that announce an individual's weight like those speed monitor / traps do in school zones.  Can you imagine strolling down the sidewalk and seeing "Your weight is…. 163" also 
not my real weight. plastered on a billboard for all to see?  ACK. ACK. HEART ATTACK!


Thing is, most men wouldn't care.  The men I know will tell anyone how much they weigh, like they're proud of it.  Amateurs.  I used to tell myself I lied because society had a preconceived notion of what a certain weight should look like.  Of course now I realize if we're ALL fudging our numbers, it's no wonder people have a skewed idea of what 125 pounds ha! guess again. look like.



So maybe the guys are onto something.  Let's take a page out of the men's playbook and stop letting those numbers define us. If someone asks, tell them.  What do I weigh?



145…ish. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

1 comment:

Little Ms J said...

This is funny. My girls and I have stopped talking about weight because our bodies are completely different. Completely. So, when we compare one always felt bad and it was typically the sveltest of the group.

It's all just numbers.