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Thursday, January 12, 2012

Smacking My Gums

Gum and I go way back.  Like back to my pre-pubescent stage. 

Back in the day, most of my peers

(though to be honest, at the time I thought a "peer" was either something you stood on in a large body of water or something you did through the crack of a door...and while we're talking about words, I used to be afraid to say dam because I thought it was a swear word...even when referring to a water-blocking structure. I also had problems with "madame" in Baa Baa Black Sheep for the same reason. But I digress.)

My peers friends were all chewing Hubba Bubba or Bubbalicious.  Those were both great -- especially if you wanted to blow bubbles as big as your head...which is apparently something all ten year olds have to do. 

The problem is that both produce a massive wad of gum.  It made it hard to discreetly stick it underneath your desk or on a post outside.  Not that I ever did such a thing. Ever.

Swallowing it wasn't an option either.  That sucker would get stuck in your intestines for seven years.

Around about that time, Extra debuted. It was a freaky nuclear accident glow in the dark green color.  I don't think it actually glowed (though wouldn't that be AWESOME? Must invent.), but then again I don't think I ever tested it. Anyway, I switched to Extra based solely on its funky color.  Is that culinarily racist of me?  Whatever. 

It was a short-lived romance.  My real love and I were about to be introduced...Trident cinnamon flavored sugarless gum.  MMMMM.  The cinnamon flavor lasted a long time so I could talk to Eddie Spaghetti without fear.  

PLUS the pieces were smaller so I could chew them in class without being detected...except that one time I got caught on purpose because that's the kind of rebel I am. 

(Which reminds me teachers really ought to change punishments depending on the child.  My punishment was writing "I will not chew gum in class" 250 times over a boring weekend.  Yeah, making a writer write as punishment doesn't really work.  Now if he'd made me stand in front of the class and recite "I will not chew gum in class" ten times, THAT would have made more of an impression.  But I really am digressing. Again.)

So the other day daughterling and I were at the store and I remembered that I needed gum, so I sent her off in search of a pack while I unloaded my purchases.  Lately I've been chewing Stride (the green pack, whatever flavor that is), but daughterling just grabbed the green pack of Trident instead.  Feeling nostalgic, I accepted her offering.

I chewed my first piece yesterday and at first, I thought it was fine.  Minty, fresh, yada yada yada.  But then, I got a hint of something else and this will sound crazy, but it tasted vaguely like turpentine smells.

I confess, I thought about spitting it out, because part of me worried that maybe it had been tainted and I would end up slumped over at my desk and would make headlines for all the wrong reasons

(don't ask me what the right reasons are for making headlines)

...but that would've required me to stand up and go into the other room where the garbage was.  Instead, I composed this blog post in my head while I continued chomping.

Is that bad?


Sarah Pearson said...

This post really cracked me up. I love the way your mind works. I haven't chewed gum in years, there's just too much choice :-)

T.D. McFrost said...

WOW! An entire post about gum. That turpentine must've gotten to ya, huh? LOL.

I never liked gum very much. I had nice short locks, until Suzy Palozzi (I kid you not)stuck gum in my hair and I had a bald patch where it was due to my mom taking a scizor to the spot. Everyone laughed at me for two weeks. Since that day I hissed at the sight of gum. Hissed I tell you--HISSED!!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Never been a gum chewer. I'm more of a mint guy.

Melissa Sarno said...

Love this post. Now I wonder if Extra does glow... Yum! Turpentine! ;)

Bish Denham said...

Bazooka Bubblegum, wads of it, for the biggest bubbles. When I chew gum now it's Dentyne only, but it has to be the original stick Dentyne, not those artificially sweetened chicklet type ones.

Val said...

My mom used to carry Teaberry gum in her purse. That's all we got, save for an occasional stick of Juicy Fruit, which lost its flavor in the first three chomps. In later childhood, Fruit Stripe gum became a favorite.

Nicole Zoltack said...

LOL This post cracked me up! Trident cinnamon flavored sugarless gum is my favorite gum of all time although lately I haven't been chewing much gum.

DL Hammons said...

Chewing gum gives me headaches because I chew it TOO LONG. Bazooka was my favorite though! :)

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

You are so funny!

My first real boyfriend smelled like Trident Cinnamon gum. (smiles) I can't believe I can remember that far back. hahaha