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Monday, October 31, 2011

Happy Halloween!

Okay, I know you're tuning in for Mock Me Monday, but it's Halloween and the PERFECT day to unveil the coolest thing since Diet Coke.


Remember the Epic Demonic Chicken post?

The amazingly talented and fantabulous Vic Caswell from Hairnets and Hopes accepted my challenge to bring this puppy, er chicken to life and I LOVE what she's done.

If you haven't had the pleasure, you really ought to click over and introduce yourself.  Really.  I'll wait.



Take a look:



All he needs now, is a name.  

Let's have a little naming contest, shall we?  Leave your suggestions in the comments -- enter as many times as you like.  

Oh, and I want you to tell me what colors Vic uses in her blog header -- you did click over, didn't you?

I'll pick a winner eventually and send you something for your effort.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Question of the Day

Here's the situation:  You've taken a bite of something

a sandwich
mashed potatoes
a cookie
salad
or whatever


and you notice a hair.  

What do you do?


Will any of these factors change your answer?


  • It's clearly your own hair
  • It's clearly NOT your hair
  • You're eating at home / you prepared whatever you're eating
  • You're eating at a restaurant / someone else cooked for you



Generally speaking, I'll remove the hair and continue eating. 


I suppose if I got the item from someone with questionable hygiene, I might have to suddenly declare myself "stuffed" and unable to eat another bite.  Of course, chances are slim that I'd accept food from someone like that in the first place so....yeah.


How about you?

Friday, October 28, 2011

I Am NOT A Prude.

I am not a prude, but this year shopping for Halloween costumes pushed me over the edge.

I visited several Halloween stores and searched for costume ideas online.  And I want to know WHY all the girl costumes (over the age of about 5) are so skimpy?  

The problem is threefold for me.  

First, no way do I want my girls (10 and 16) running around with so much skin exposed.  

Since when does Halloween = sex?  

Do we really want our tramped up darlings going door to door to beg for candy?  

Second, I live in Iowa.  And the weather is pretty much a crap shoot on Halloween.  It's usually better to have a costume where at least MOST of your flesh is covered in case it snows....


Third, these itty bitty "costumes" cost an arm and a leg.  I'm not kidding it's nothing for one of these specialty Halloween stores to charge $50 for a couple ruffles and ribbons. I refuse to pay that much for something the kids will only wear once.

In a quick 30 second search, here's what I found to illustrate my point:

"The Cupcake Girl"
Oh yeah, this reminds me of a cupcake. 
(insert sarcastic eye roll)





 The Referee
I don't even wanna know what sport she's monitoring.

 






















Elmo
In a way, this one disturbed me more than the others.  

 

I can't even begin to tell you how WRONG it is to make Elmo - beloved by 3 year olds everywhere - into something sexy.  

Ewwww, people.  Just EWWWWW.

If adults want to run around in lingerie, fine.  Personally, I prefer it when people dress up like a real cop or real referee and not these micro mini nightmares...but that's just me.

Would you let your daughters wear any of these?

Thursday, October 27, 2011

A Little Support

They say 70-80% of women wear the wrong bra size.  

This little nugget is usually shared by a "fitting specialist" employed by some hoity toity department store.  She'll whisper it in your ear as she's taking your measurements so she can tell you which of their overpriced bras you should really be wearing.  It's meant to reassure us, to make us feel like we're not alone.

But I'm here to tell you the reason 70 to 80% of women are wearing the wrong bra size is that the manufacturers don't make bras that will even begin to fit most of us.  I've measured myself, I know what size I should be wearing, and they don't sell it at most stores -- and if they do, it's not at a price I'm willing to pay.

This is a problem, and dare I say it?  A crisis.  We deserve pretty, well-fitting bras, too, dagnabit.  

I appreciate the manufacturer's vote of confidence, but contrary to popular belief, not all of our cups runneth over just because our band size is over 36. When bra shopping, I generally have three options:

  1. Buy the smaller cup size and sacrifice a few inches on the band.  Sometimes I can make this up with an extender, but not always.
  2. Buy the larger cup size in order to score a good fit around, but look for a 'molded' cup as it's more likely to hide my secret -- that there's not enough of me to fill up that cavernous space.
  3. Buy the lace or satin cup in a comfortable band size and resign myself to wearing bulky sweaters and jackets so no one can see how the excess material has bunched up and wrinkled.

This is why I proposed the Pump Up Bra ages ago.  Why should I expand to fill the bra? Shouldn't it conform to my contours (or lack thereof)??  Where, oh where, is a fashion engineer when you need one?

Ladies, perhaps we should form our own movement. Forget Wall Street, let's Occupy Victoria's Secret.

I'm sure we'll get lots of support from the men in our lives....

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Addiction Explained...

I admit I was deliberately vague with my clues, but even after I tell you the answer, a few of these need to be explained.

The Addiction: Q-Tips



The clues again with commentary in bold (the red was an eye killer...sorry)


  • I use this everyday.  Sometimes several times. (they itch...which is really a sign I should stop using them, but the itch drives me crazy)
  • I've been using this for as long as I can remember (Mom used to clean her ears with the back end of a bobby pin...so really a QTip is way safer)
  • It is not illegal, though no self-respecting physician would condone its use (hearing loss, punctured ear drums, etc.)
  • I've tried quitting, but obviously haven't been successful (see the itch comment above...)
  • When I don't use this, it's ALL I can think about (see the itch comment above...)
  • I'm afraid someone will walk in on me while I'm using this (I went to school with a guy who punctured his eardrum.  If that's not enough to give you the willies, I'll add four more words: he answered the phone.  Not sure how you forget you have a QTip in your ear, but ever since I'm afraid someone is gonna sneak up behind me and I'll jump and injure myself)
  • I'm concerned about side effects from using this -- which are serious and possibly irreversible (see last comment.  Ouch.)
  • Chances are good you have this in your house (do you?)
I loved reading all your guesses! 

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Guess the Addiction

Can you guess what I'm addicted to based on the following clues?
  • I use this everyday.  Sometimes several times.
  • I've been using this for as long as I can remember
  • It is not illegal, though no self-respecting physician would condone its use
  • I've tried quitting, but obviously haven't been successful
  • When I don't use this, it's ALL I can think about
  • I'm afraid someone will walk in on me while I'm using this
  • I'm concerned about side effects from using this -- which are serious and possibly irreversible
  • Chances are good you have this in your house

So, any guesses?



EDITED to say: 
Looks like a trend for caffeine has started. Perhaps I should add that swallowing this is NOT a good idea..

Monday, October 24, 2011

Mock Me Monday - The Dressing Room

I'm going to Mexico in a couple weeks. I'm not trying to make you jealous, though I'm okay with it if you are.  You see, I'm normally the one who sulks at home while everyone else visits exotic locations -- and in the heart of winter, I'm especially envious.  But this year -- for the first time ever -- it's MY turn.


The problem is that not many of my warm-weather clothes survived the summer intact.  The good news is that all of the summer clothes are hanging on the clearance racks in the stores.  The selection isn't that great, but hey -- no one knows me in Mexico.


So this weekend, I saw this super cute black and white halter dress.  This is the closest thing I could find in my 30 second Google Image search:





I snatched it off the rack -- the last one in my size.  It was meant to BE!  I could already see myself trouncing (yes, I trounce) along the beach in my new dress.  It'd even serve as a decent cover up.  

Oh LUCKY Me!

So in the dressing room, I examine the dress to see if there were any zippers or other potential hurdles.  There was a built in bra with some extended lining.  I slip my hands through the bottom of the skirt and through the top then try to pull it over my head an down to my hips.

Only it won't budge.

I've somehow got the lining tangled up and I'm STUCK.  I can sorta see myself in the mirror through the fabric and it's not pretty.  My hands are flopping around out of the top as I squirm and thrash trying either to pull it off or on the rest of the way.  

I start to worry I might not get it off.  What then?  Will I have to ask a stranger for help? Determined to avoid that humiliation, I finally manage to pull the damn thing over my head.

That's when I discover it's not a halter dress at all.  It's a swim suit.  It's no wonder I got tangled.

From now on, I'm not shopping alone.  I might need someone to use the Jaws of Life to get me out of an unfortunate wardrobe malfunction.


Saturday, October 22, 2011

Just for Fun

Here is a makeover site you might enjoy.  

It's FREE and lots of fun. I know this probably doesn't do much for the guys, but it could also help you visualize characters...


Friday, October 21, 2011

The Greatest Gift

I've received some wonderful gifts in my life. Some, like my children, were anxiously awaited.  Others, like a small blue sapphire necklace from hubby when we were dating were completely unexpected.  Not to dis my children, but I think it's the unanticipated gifts that really take my breath away.

Good health, a roof over my family's head -- these are all wonderful gifts and I'm very appreciative.  I don't want to sound like an ingrate when I tell you what's upstaged all of these.

I think it's the gift you get when you're down, that really has the power to make your spirit soar.  And while I won't say I've been depressed, I will say I haven't been myself lately. I'm such a die hard optimist and sunshiny kinda person that my depression is still pretty perky from the outside looking in. 

But I've been off. 

Feeling lumpier than usual, and tired, and just not me.

I should add that I've been avoiding the scale because I KNEW it would have bad news for me and if I saw that number, I'd have to DO something and, well, sometimes ignorance is bliss, ya know?

But this particular morning, feeling strangely immune to the taunts of the scale (or perhaps I was delirious), I stepped on the sucker and held my breath fully expecting it to register at LEAST 10 pounds more than it was supposed to.

But you know what?

It was the SAME!  My zero weight gain was the biggest, greatest gift I could have received. I'm still celebrating this non-victory. 

I deserved those extra 10 pounds, lemme tell ya.  I earned every stinking one of them and I'm a bit flummoxed why they weren't there.  HAPPY, but definitely perplexed.

Any unexpected victories / surprises / gifts popping up in your lives?

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Bloggy Love

By a chance click tonight, I happened across THIS post.  

The writer is in a dark place and could use some kind, encouraging words. Please click over if you have a minute.

Search Terms

I don't know WHAT is going on in the world lately, but I've been INUNDATED with Y - o - G - a - b - b - a searches.  

I mention them ONE time months ago and look what's happened.

This is a list of search terms over the last half day.  I've had over 100 searches, all total.  ONE HUNDRED hits for ONE measly post A YEAR AGO.

I don't get it. 

At ALL.

But what I REALLY don't get is the one near the bottom...






















Do you see it?  

Epic demonic chicken. 

My memory may not be as sharp as it used to be, but I'm pretty sure I've never talked about demonic chickens.  Though I WOULD like to see an artist's rendering of one. Anyone feel up to the challenge?


It's too bad we can't put (parentheses) around terms we don't want searched or indexed.  I could put an end to the YG nonsense once and for all.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

One Liner Wednesday

I'm posting the last line I've written/read/spoke on Wednesdays and encouraging you to do the same. 


I haven't written anything for a few days, so I'm going with the last line I've read this week.  


From Identical by Ellen Hopkins:

What snatches my immediate 
attention is Greta, hand in hand
with the same gentleman who 
visited a few weeks ago. (page 346)



What's the last thing you wrote?
...read?
or
...spoke?

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Gotta Get Me One Of These!

As you know, I'm rather fond of bathroom humor around here.  I don't plan it that way, it just sorta happens.  This one is definitely bathroom related, but there's nothing funny about it!


A toilet with a heater in the seat (it can also toast your tootsies on the floor), LED lights, a seat that opens and closes by itself, and a remote control?  Oh YES -- PLEASE!

...it has a hefty price tag but since when is cool cheap?


Of course something this upscale would look ridiculous in my down-scale bathroom.  Still, a girl can dream, right?

What cool gadget / thing would you like to have even thought it's totally impractical?

Monday, October 17, 2011

Mock Me Monday - TMI

It all started with white pants.




Again.

I know, I know. It's after Labor Day. I'm supposed to have packed them away already.  But what do I care about such archaic social constraints?  I'll wear my white pants as long as I want to, thank you very much.

So I -- ummmm -- had this tender spot on my booty, okay? 

(Just agree with me, I don't really expect any of you to have first hand knowledge).

I don't know if it was my pants or my work chair, but something was rubbing and irritating that spot.  Finally I went to the restroom to investigate.  I don't know if it was a pimple or a bug bite, I couldn't really see anything but I somehow scratched it open and it started to bleed -- kinda a lot.

Let me do the math for you:



Blood + White Pants = Uh Oh Spaghettios

Fortunately, I went on this art studio tour with my sister over the weekend.  


Bear with me.  This is relevant I swear. 

I happened to wear my new Hush Puppy shoes.  Just a simple black loafer. The thing is the shoes were so new I wasn't sure how comfortable they'd be trekking around in them for a whole day.  Soooooo Girl Scout Wannabe that I am, I stuck a couple Bandaids in my purse just in case.

I retrieved the Bandaid, but encountered yet another problem.

You shouldn't be surprised.  This is Mock Me Monday afterall.  Nothing is ever that simple in my life, is it?  Let me ask you one little question and you'll understand my difficulty:




Have you ever tried to put a Bandaid on your own butt?

It's not easy, folks.  Not easy at all. It's kinda like a dog chasing its tail.

Maybe I should pack the white pants away afterall.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Help Wanted

I've got two items I need help with.

First, there is an electronic device kinda like a cross between a typewriter and laptop.  ALL it's good for is typing.  It's a self-contained word processor and I know SOMEONE blogged about this about a year ago but do you think I can remember what it was called or where I read it?  If you know what I'm talking about, please talk to me in the comments or email me at MissVSpeaks (at) gmail (dot) com.

Second, I have a request for international readers.  My husband collects beer and energy drink cans.  Christmas is coming up and I'd like to give him some exotic new ones.  If you have some empty cans you'd like to get rid of (that's right, you can drink 'em first), then leave me a comment or email me at MissVSpeaks (at) gmail (dot) com.  

I'm willing to pay or work out some kind of trade.  He's got a LOT of cans, so chances are if it's a popular brand he already has it.  I'll post pics of his collection later to give you some idea what I'm up against.

PS - I'm offline for most of the weekend but I will get back to you...

Friday, October 14, 2011

Friday Funnies

I got this from my sister.



I'm sorry if this offends anybody, but I happen to think this is funny. 









In case you can't read it, it says:

Religion is like a penis. 
It's fine to have one.  
It's fine to be proud of it.  
But please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around.  
And PLEASE don't try to shove it down my children's throats.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Too Cool

I was browsing sites suggested by Google Reader the other day and ran across this picture:




From: http://sweethomestyle.tumblr.com/




Which is pretty cool, until you see THIS one.  I'm not even a wine drinker and I'm salivating all over this.  I wonder if I could stock this thing with Diet Coke?





From: http://sweethomestyle.tumblr.com/








Wednesday, October 12, 2011

One Liner Wednesday

Today, I'm introducing my next regular feature.  Forevermore Wednesdays shall be known as....

(drumroll please)

One Liner Wednesday 

Maybe it's because the weekend is still a few days off.  

Maybe it's because we all deserve something quick and easy once in awhile. 
Or maybe I just liked the sound of it.

The concept is simple.  Just share the last line you wrote in your WIP.  
If you aren't writing, share the last line you read.
If you aren't writing or reading, share the last line you said (or heard).
And if you haven't written anything, haven't read anything, haven't talked to anyone or watched TV, then I dunno what to tell you -- make something up?  Move along to the next blog? 

My last line:

Hijacking a demigod ain't easy folks.

TADA!


Your turn.  What's the last line you wrote/read/spoke/heard?

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

And the Winner Is....

Ahhhh, it's good to be back.  Still trying to figure out what my posting schedule is gonna be.  Do I go back to daily or MWF or what?  I think I'm going to stick with the flexibility of whenever-the-heck-I-feel-like it. 


First, a confession.

I wrote this post a week ago.  I made a list of all the entrants and had one of the offspring pick a number. 

But....

Then I decided y'all should have more time to enter since I'm nice like that.  But, of course, that meant I had to redraw a name because what's the point of accepting new entries if I didn't give the newbies a chance to actually win.  Right?

So the winner according to Random.org is:


But before I tell you who was in the #10 slot, let me offer ya'll a slice of birthday cake.  Is this gorgeous or what?  




I got the idea from HERE which actually just redirects to THIS post.  My pictures aren't quite as vibrant as theirs because I used my cell phone and there's a dead light bulb in the kitchen.  Anyhow...



There's real beauty in random.org picking #10:
(a) Ten is my favorite number 
(b) It's also the date of the drawing 10-10 
(c) You get the same name whether you tart at the top or bottom of the list


So...lucky # 10 is MARY from GIGGLES & GUNS.  

Congrats, Mary!  I'll be in touch about shipping out that mystery prize!










Monday, October 10, 2011

Bathroom Humor

Thanks for stopping by!I've been away for awhile, but I'm back now, so without further ado, here's the latest Mock Me Monday installment:

Recently, the family and I spent an entire day in the Great Outdoors.  This is no small feat as none of us are great nature lovers.


Scratch that.  

I love looking at nature.  I've even been known to enjoy a hike or picnic out amongst Mother Nature's finest.  I just don't like it when nature gets on me. Especially the kind with legs.  At some point in the distant past (I'm thinking at birth), Mother Nature designated me as an All You Can Eat Buffet so critters of all sizes and shapes come from far and near to nibble at my flesh and suck my blood. 


I'm just tasty, I guess. But it usually means if I go outside something is gonna bite me.

Suffice it to say that willingly spending the whole day without protective layers of drywall is a really big deal in this house.


So, after being locked in the car for 90+ minutes, we were overdue for a pit stop.  We found a restroom in a park near a lake and I bravely took the lead as decoy for any bugs that might be ready to attack.  Sacrificing myself is the least I can do for the health and happiness of my children.


The door to the women's restroom was propped open with a garbage can.  That should have been the first red flag.  A door that doesn't close is an open invitation to creepy crawlies.  A giant walking-stick like thing stood guard at the base of the receptacle. (I confess I didn't look too close -- it might have attacked).

This Bouncer Bug was enough to scare Daughterlings off.  I would have liked to have fled back to the car, too but (a) I wanted to set a good example and (b) I really, really, REALLY had to go.


There were two stalls inside -- with REAL toilets!  I would've done a happy dance but as I just said, I really had to go. Dancing and jiggling were not advisable under the circumstances.


The first stall had possibly the biggest daddy long leg spider I've ever seen chilling out on the seat. I decided to respect his privacy and moved on to stall #2.


The second stall seemed okay.  The seat was clear and the bowl reasonably clean.


I assumed the position and took care of business.


Then I reached for the toilet paper.  It was one of these kind of dispensers:






Still a little on edge, I inspected the paper as I pulled it, careful not to let it touch the floor -- who knows what's been on that floor! I had only pulled a  a few squares when I noticed a shadow on the back side of the paper.  My first thought was that some jokester had stuffed a wad of paper or something.


I was so wrong.


When the shadowy thing fell to the floor I screamed.  A high-pitched girly scream. I think I was perfectly within my rights.  Seems to me when a UFO (unidentified falling object) drops off your toilet paper, you're entitled to let the world know.


Curiosity got the better of me so I look down to see just what I was dealing with.

It was a FROG.






Yes, you read that right.  A frog fell out of my toilet paper. 

I screamed. Kinda a lot.


I gathered my wits about me and took out my cell phone to take a picture -- I needed evidence, right? -- only the dang thing JUMPED at me so I screamed again.


Meanwhile outside the restroom, I could hear Daughterling #1 telling my husband (in the I told you the bathroom wasn't safe kind of voice), "You should go rescue your wife." But by the time he came sauntering in to check on me, the frog had disappeared and I didn't need his assistance.


At least it didn't bite me, right?


Got any in-the-wilderness restroom stories to share?


**************************


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