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Monday, October 10, 2011

Bathroom Humor

Thanks for stopping by!I've been away for awhile, but I'm back now, so without further ado, here's the latest Mock Me Monday installment:

Recently, the family and I spent an entire day in the Great Outdoors.  This is no small feat as none of us are great nature lovers.


Scratch that.  

I love looking at nature.  I've even been known to enjoy a hike or picnic out amongst Mother Nature's finest.  I just don't like it when nature gets on me. Especially the kind with legs.  At some point in the distant past (I'm thinking at birth), Mother Nature designated me as an All You Can Eat Buffet so critters of all sizes and shapes come from far and near to nibble at my flesh and suck my blood. 


I'm just tasty, I guess. But it usually means if I go outside something is gonna bite me.

Suffice it to say that willingly spending the whole day without protective layers of drywall is a really big deal in this house.


So, after being locked in the car for 90+ minutes, we were overdue for a pit stop.  We found a restroom in a park near a lake and I bravely took the lead as decoy for any bugs that might be ready to attack.  Sacrificing myself is the least I can do for the health and happiness of my children.


The door to the women's restroom was propped open with a garbage can.  That should have been the first red flag.  A door that doesn't close is an open invitation to creepy crawlies.  A giant walking-stick like thing stood guard at the base of the receptacle. (I confess I didn't look too close -- it might have attacked).

This Bouncer Bug was enough to scare Daughterlings off.  I would have liked to have fled back to the car, too but (a) I wanted to set a good example and (b) I really, really, REALLY had to go.


There were two stalls inside -- with REAL toilets!  I would've done a happy dance but as I just said, I really had to go. Dancing and jiggling were not advisable under the circumstances.


The first stall had possibly the biggest daddy long leg spider I've ever seen chilling out on the seat. I decided to respect his privacy and moved on to stall #2.


The second stall seemed okay.  The seat was clear and the bowl reasonably clean.


I assumed the position and took care of business.


Then I reached for the toilet paper.  It was one of these kind of dispensers:






Still a little on edge, I inspected the paper as I pulled it, careful not to let it touch the floor -- who knows what's been on that floor! I had only pulled a  a few squares when I noticed a shadow on the back side of the paper.  My first thought was that some jokester had stuffed a wad of paper or something.


I was so wrong.


When the shadowy thing fell to the floor I screamed.  A high-pitched girly scream. I think I was perfectly within my rights.  Seems to me when a UFO (unidentified falling object) drops off your toilet paper, you're entitled to let the world know.


Curiosity got the better of me so I look down to see just what I was dealing with.

It was a FROG.






Yes, you read that right.  A frog fell out of my toilet paper. 

I screamed. Kinda a lot.


I gathered my wits about me and took out my cell phone to take a picture -- I needed evidence, right? -- only the dang thing JUMPED at me so I screamed again.


Meanwhile outside the restroom, I could hear Daughterling #1 telling my husband (in the I told you the bathroom wasn't safe kind of voice), "You should go rescue your wife." But by the time he came sauntering in to check on me, the frog had disappeared and I didn't need his assistance.


At least it didn't bite me, right?


Got any in-the-wilderness restroom stories to share?


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13 comments:

Theresa Milstein said...

I had the creeps the whole time I read this post. A FROG?! I'd be scared to use the toilet paper after that.

I feel just like you about nature. I think you were brave to go into the bathroom first. What a good mother.

Shannon said...

Dude, you're brave. I don't think I could have made it into the restroom to begin with. And a frog? WTF. Truly bizarre.

Thanks for the morning chuckle and WELCOME BACK! I missed you! <3

shelly said...

Welcome back! I'm not much for critters either. Ewwe!

Bish Denham said...

Now you see, a walking stick at the door would have let me know the reststop/toilet was nature friendly. I would have rescued the daddy long legs from the toilet seat and be absolutely delighted to see a frog drop out of the toilet paper dispenser. It would have told me all is right with the world. Creepy crawlies don't bother me.

I'm glad the critters survived and lived to tell tales of escaping from crazy screaming humans.

LTM said...

BAH!!! :D LOLOLOLOL!!! I'm so rolling on the floor start to finish. First, I'm also the AYCE buffet! Everything bites me. But also, I'm also petrified of anything having more than four limbs. AND I used to spend every summer at an outdoor girls' camp w/a "bath house." There was a whole colony of daddy long-legs spiders living behind one... EWW!!!

P.S.
LOVE daughter's response--my hubs is zero help in these situations. *snort*

June Freaking Cleaver said...

Don't ever lease a camping spot where you have to build your own outhouse...hated seeing chewed up toilet paper and bugs galore.

We bought our own porta-potty and a nifty tent for it so I didn't have to venture into that hellish outhouse.

It was either that or risk an intestinal explosion because I'd refuse to "go" for an entire weekend.

Lindsay said...

LOL! I'm not freaked by creepy crawlies, but I always check for spiders in public restrooms. Now I'll be looking for frogs!

Welcome back!

GigglesandGuns said...

I am so glad you're back!

There's no way I can beat the frog story. Only you!!


Mary

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

Great, now I'm itchy!

I'm glad it was a frog not a wolf spider or something worse....

Rhonda@laugh-quotes said...

I would have been screaming too. Great story though.

Lenny Lee* said...

hi miss vicki! you got me laughing soooooo hard specially when that frog dropped out of the toilet paper. ha ha ha ha. youre the best story teller!!
...hugs from lenny

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Vicki, I have so missed your Monday stories!
And I hate going outside for the very same reason. That, and if I'm outside, it means I'm doing yardwork or mowing, and that's no fun!

Jolene Perry said...

Vicki . . . oh how I"ve missed your hilarity.

I'll admit, the frog would have scared me, but it's probably the most benign thing I can imagine living inside a toilet paper thingie.

Also. Rule number one.
When using toilets at rest stops and/or campgrounds. ALWAYS bring your own paper.
RULE ONE.