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Monday, February 14, 2011

Mock Me Monday - Booger Eating

First off, let me say I shudder to think what the title of this post is going to do to my keyword search terms. It made you look, though, didn't it?  Maybe peeking between your fingers because the thought is gross and you're hoping that I'm not actually eating my boogers.

I mentioned recently that I caught a cold from my kids.  The first couple days were brutal.  My nose was raw from all that sniffling, sneezing, and nose blowing.  All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sleep.  

Then an amazing thing happened:  my nose stopped leaking.

Yes!  I thought I'd gotten off easy, a weekend cold.  How convenient, right?

Not so much, as it turns out.  Actually what happened  was that the mucus just changed its evacuation route.  Instead of dripping down my face, it dripped down the back of my throat.

This isn't all bad.  For one, there are no taste buds back there, so I don't actually taste any of the slime slipping down the esophagus.  For another, it's kinda nice not to have to carry a box of tissues around everywhere you go. It's like having an invisible cold!

But, you know I wouldn't be writing if there weren't a downside.  

The biggie, of course, is the knowledge that I have snot sliding down into my stomach.  It's involuntary, but I'm essentially eating boogers.  All day, every day.  Ick.

The other problem is that as the mucus thickens - as it does toward the end of any cold - it requires more and  more effort to swallow.  It clings to the back of my throat.  I can feel it there.  An eternal (if disgusting) lump that is getting more and more difficult to dislodge.  I have been drinking enough water to drown a fish, just to keep the process in motion.  

I keep trying to blow my nose, but nothing happens.  Sometimes when I inhale, I feel a little more oozing out of the sinuses into the throat.  Sometimes, it covers the valve between trachea and esophagus and I panic that I won't be able to breathe. (That's happened before.  Scared the bejeezus out of me, but that's another story for another day).  

So yeah, I'm swallowing boogers -- there goes another one right now -- but I'm not happy about it. Not one little bit.

I just realized this is going to post on Valentines Day.  Not exactly the lovey dovey sentiments you'd expect to find.  Uh, sorry about that.


Jessica Bell said...

Oh my GOd, I can't stop laughing. Perfect Valentines post for me. I hate Velentines day. LOL. I have the best, most perfect solution to your problem. It's natural and you only have to do it once or twice. I've tried and tested it. But you have to know, it kinda hurts (don't worry it won't cause any damage!). But once the pain goes away you will feel so much relief. Belive me! Okay, you know how people dissolve salt in to water to gargle when they have a sore throat? Well, do that, but don't gargle it. Breathe it in from you nose, so that it travels thrrough your sinuses, and cough it up through your mouth. It will sting. But it won't last long, and not only will you kill all that bacteria that's lingering in there, you'll flush EVERYTHING out. IT works. Trust me.

Mary Vaughn said...

It's way too early for this! Only you could make a miserable cold funny.
Jessica's aid really works. My family has always done this. Get better soon.

Jen Daiker said...

Wow I have to say I'll come back to read the rest of this. Once I read the mucus back in your throat I realized my breakfast hasn't fully digested itself.

Happy Valentines Day!

Jules said...

LOL, I should have known not to be drinking coffee and reading your post. :) I so identify with your mucus and yes Jessica's cure works but only a palm full of water. No suicide by drowning mucus please :)
Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

Bish Denham said...

What a perfectly delightful Valentine's treat! LOL!

aspiring_x said...

well, at least you aren't like my youngest son- who actually enjoys eating his boogers. blech!
happy v-day pal!! :)

Tamara Narayan said...

Oh boy, can I relate! I got my kid's cold on Friday. That salt water cure sounds too painful for me, but I'll keep on chugging the Gatorade. It's supposed to be better for you when you're sick according to my children's pediatrician.

I'm glad you posted this on Valentine's Day. These days my most passionate kisses are from my kids (when I present them with a new Barbie movie) or too my cats (they're too fluffy to resist.) Anyhoo, I'd better keep my kisser to myself today. AAAHHCHOOO!

Clarissa Draper said...

Why do I always read your Mock Me Mondays posts while eating breakfast? But, they're so funny and amazing gross.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

No, you've successfully created a very un-Valentine's Day post. Congratulations!

LTM said...

OK, WHY are you trying to make me barf? I've got the worst sinus infection, and now you're talking about the crud that's sliding down the back of my neck... BLEAH!!!! :p

At the same time, it's a palate-cleansing shift from all the kissing. :D Have a great V'day, sickie~ <3

Angela Felsted said...

Yeah, it happens to all of us. I try not to analyze it too much. Guess I don't have to now, do I? Since you've done it for me.

Jolene Perry said...

Dude - I had to swallow to keep my gag reflex from kicking in. Guess that means you did a good job with description ;D
I'm going to make myself a cup of something scalding hot, just to make sure there's no boogers running down my throat, or to burn them into oblivion if there are.