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Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The Problem with My Pants

I've got a bone to pick with my jammy pants (not to be confused with Granny Pants)

One of my gifts this year was a pair of fleece pajamas.  I tried not to get too excited because as I mentioned the other day, hubs is brilliant when it comes to managing household chores but is not-so-gifted when it comes to matching clothing with the appropriate-sized owner.  Fortunately, when I tried them on, they fit! They were so warm and fuzzy, I was one happy camper.

Until the next morning, that is.

Let me back up for a minute.  

Unless you live under a rock, you've heard the increased hysteria over bedbugs recently. Our family discussed them over Thanksgiving weekend.  That night I had the Craig Niedermaier dream (the one that ended with me trying to smash bedbugs in the hallway).  About a week later, my 9 year old had an unexplained (and itchy) rash on her neck, back, and stomach.  I freaked out and researched bedbugs - how to find them, how to get rid of them.  Things NOT to do, etc.

And, yes, I did inspect the beds looking for signs of bedbugs.  Don't judge me.  I was protecting my family.

Turns out it wasn't bedbugs (thank GOD), but to say I have a heightened sensitivity would be a massive understatement.  I don't think it's an exaggeration to say my hatred of all things creepy and crawly borders on complete paranoia / hysteria. 

For example, I shake / bang my shoes out before I put them on.  EVERY time.  The ONE time I didn't, there was a great big ol' black Japanese water beetle in there. And I was barefoot...didn't even have the protection of socks.  Just thinking about it now makes me squirm uncomfortably. 

So...I see bugs everywhere they're not. I see them in every smudge on the floor, every wayward scrap of paper.  Any unidentified object, regardless of size, is assumed to be a critter until proven otherwise.

This assumption sometimes causes me a great deal of distress.

Back to me and my pajamas.  Did you know new fleece sheds more than pretty much any household pet with fur?  And those fuzz balls lie in wait under the covers for their opportunity to give me a heart attack.  

Imagine, if you will, me preparing to make the bed, the dreaded thought of bedbugs never far off. I see a speck.  Oh God, please NO!  

I peel the sheet back gingerly--because if there are critters in there, I don't want them to skitter off before I've had the chance to brutally mash their little bodies with the shoe (not mine) I hold in my hand.  I lean in for a closer look and's nothin but a bunch of lint.  Whew.

I found fuzz balls in other places too, but you really don't want to hear about that. Trust me.


Meghan Schuessler said...

LMAO, man I thought *I* was bad with my crazy fear of and hatred towards all creepy crawlies! Next time my boyfriend makes fun of me for screaming like a little girl when I see a bug on the wall/ceiling/counter/whatever, I am going to make him read this post! =P

Amber Tidd Murphy said...

Hilar! This reminds me of my poor eyesight -- I should wear glasses -- I'm always seeing things (especially in the dark) that aren't there. On Christmas Eve, I waved to my mother-in-law, because I thought she stuck her head out onto the porch as we were leaving. Nope: it was a wreath.

Glad you are bed-bug-less!

Dianne K. Salerni said...

Uh oh! What are you going to do with the jammy pants? Maybe if you wash them a few times, they'll stop shedding. But then again, if you wash them a few times, they might stop fitting you, too.

In PA we don't have a bedbug problem so much as a stinkbug problem. Horrible stinky things that came over from Asia somehow. And in spite of the fact that this is the dead of winter, they're still alive! Ugh. I cannot imagine what next summer will be like if we still have stinkbugs in January.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Did you still smash the lint?
I bang out my shoes and gloves before I put them on as well, just in case.

Shannon said...

You crack me up, Vicki! =) This almost had me spitting out coffee:

Did you know new fleece sheds more than pretty much any household pet with fur? And those fuzz balls lie in wait under the covers for their opportunity to give me a heart attack.

Personally I've never given much thought to bugs, but you beetle shoe story has me completely freaked out. Thanks for that. =p

Kristi said...

You are CRACKING me up!! :P

The sad thing is, I read this post, and nodded in agreement every few minutes, while alternating squirming at the thought of bedbugs or anything creepy-crawley. You are so not alone. Except for the fuzzy pajamas part. You're a loner there. Even with the fuzzies shedding everywhere, I would NEVER get rid of 'em.

Matthew Rush said...

Wait. Bed bugs actually exist!?! I always thought that was just a saying.


Stina Lindenblatt said...

Thank god my fleecy PJs don't shed.

I never look in my shoes. I should. Not for bugs, though. But for toys that occasionally make their way inside my shoes. ;)

Jules said...

ROFL, I wish my clothes would try entertaining me sometime :) I am the official insect killer in my house as well :D
Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

Angela Felsted said...

LOL, you are hilarious!

aspiring_x said...

you make my mornings! seriously!
i feel the same way about bugs too!

Carolyn V. said...

Okay Vicki! I freak out about bugs too, and that one just made my skin crawl. I'm so glad it wasn't bedbugs! I'll take fleece any day! =)

Lindsay (a.k.a Isabella) said...

Eww to bedbugs. They are little insects of evil.

Nicole MacDonald said...

*lol* hee - I really shouldn't have teased you about them ;p I have gorgeous fleecy pj's too!! But they're too warm to wear at the moment (oh woe is me, dosen't summer just suck *mwahahaha*). I did get a little paranoid about spiders at our place because we sometimes get whitetails and they can carry the flesh eating bacteria *shudder*

The Arrival, on Amazon NOW!

Jolene Perry said...

Vicki - wash, dry, wash, dry, wash, dry, duct tape. Fuzz gone.
On the pants, not, you know...

Little Ms J said...

Ha! I was a bug freak when I lived in Florida. Wake up to a flying palmetto bug (read: roach) in your bed, sister. You can hear its wings before you see it..... Bleh.

Clarissa Draper said...

Ha! You had me scratching for a minute there. I'm freaked out about bed bugs too. Fortunately I haven't found any. I have bottoms like that as well and it drives me up the wall!