Join the Madness

Monday, December 13, 2010

Angelina Jolie I am NOT

Other titles under consideration for this post:

The Revenge of the Granny Pants

-- or --

Holy Mother of God, What Was I Thinking?

I recently bought a pair of black suede-like pants with a back zipper.  I tried them on and they FIT.  Wasn't crazy about the back zipper because when you really gotta go, it's kind of awkward to get the damn thing undone.  But they felt really good, and the price was right (under $10--Thank You Clearance Gods!)

They were a little high-waisted, and I can hear some of you fashionistas screaming in protest, but the high waist camouflaged some of those unsightly belly rolls.  I know they are technically out of style these days, but PSHAW, what do I care about trends?  My mantra is comfort (and clearance, Clearance, CLEARANCE).

I might need to get a new mantra.

Y'see, these pants seduced me.  Their velvety softness, the flattering fit, and did I mention the unbelievable price?

But there was a problem I hadn't yet discovered.

It's the damn high waist.  It's okay when I'm standing and walking...but when I sit down, OW!

I have a desk job.  I sit 99.9% of the day.  So, when I wore them to work, I quickly discovered the waistband digs into my ribs.  ALL DAY.  Worse, while seated, the waistline creeps even higher...just an inch or so below the band of my bra.  Reminiscent of granny pants...or those horrid maternity pants with the expanding stretchy fabric insert you can just about pull up over your head.  It was very uncomfortable to say the least.

Well, the other morning I was in a rush and thought I'd give them another chance...couldn't be as bad as I remembered, could it?  

Only this time, I wore them backwards--with the zipper up front.  Hey!  Angelina Jolie wore a dress backwards (on the red carpet no less) and no one made fun of her!  My sweater was long enough to hide the zipper, and I thought it was a brilliant solution.

I thought wrong, my friends.

So very, very wrong.

The damn things bruised my ribs.  I will NEVER wear them again...frontward or backward.  

****completely unrelated:  while typing this last bit, I remembered the dream I had last night where I went to the store in a pair of pink saggy underwear (I don't have any pink ones at the moment so that's how I knew it was a dream) and NO ONE paid any attention to me.  It wasn't until I was on my way home I realized I forgot to put pants on.****


All this makes me you think Mr. Niedermaier has ever worn anything backwards?

If you are C. Niedermaier (I'm branching out with my Google keywords), I'd like to talk to you!  MissVSpeaks(at)Gmail(dot)com.


Nicole MacDonald said...

... yeah.. you can't wear pants like that backwards - they aren't cut for that! I always try to sit in pants before I buy as I'm sitting most the time too ;p

BirthRight The Arrival, on Amazon 1.1.2011

Jennifer Shirk said...

Ugh! Nothing worse than being uncomfortable at work!
I thought that was a pretty good idea wearing them backwards. I give you an A++ for effort. But keep the pants in case you go somewhere where you'll be standing all day. :)

Jen Daiker said...

Bahaha your life is so interesting!!! Do you plan on writing a story of your life? I think it might do well.

That being said I UNDERSTAND! I wanted these pants that tie on the side, I paid over $100 (because hey, when your 16, clearance is so uncool). I don't think I need to tell you what happened.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

The things women do for style!
Chuck those bad boys before you hurt yourself again.

aspiring_x said...

dah!!! hahaha!! *adores*
i have the same mantra...

Janet Johnson said...

LOL! Backwards? So much fodder for your writing. What a great life you've lived. :)

And yeah, I have the same mantra as you. I'll definitely never be chic fashionista girl.

Matthew Rush said...

Wow that sucks. Personally I just have to buy huge clothes. Luckily we have a sort of semi-casual dress code here at work.

Jaydee Morgan said...

I've own a pair of pants that zipped in the back as well but I don't think I've ever worn them. Now I'm not sure I ever will ;)

Lenny Lee* said...

hi miss vicki! yikes i couldnt want pants that zipped in the back for sure! ack. mostly i like pants that are big so i could sit or stand or run and mostly get at the bathroom really fast. ha ha. we do lots of sales to and you could get really good stuff at those thrifty stores. i hope you dont wear those pants again.
...hugs from lenny

Lydia K said...

Any day a gal can positively compare themselves with Angelina Jolie is a good day, in my mind.

Raquel Byrnes said...

Oy! Terribly painful pants aren't usually more pleasant backwards. Hope your ribs recover. =)

Tamara Narayan said...

Ha! This is great. I don't buy the lower waist pants for style, but for comfort. Long sweaters hide the belly rolls (or at least camouflage them).

notesfromnadir said...

I can't say I've ever worn pants backwards but some pants just don't work even if they fit. Eventually high waisted pants will return & many of us will be very happy. In the meantime, make sure those shirts or sweaters are extra long! :)

notesfromnadir said...

P.S. Wearing that dress backwards works for Angelina & is a great idea!

Shannon said...

I love Lydia's comment - so true.

Yup, I feel your pain. Been there and it sucks. Is this where I gloat that I work in my sweats and PJs and dress up to go out? :p

Carolyn V. said...

You are so creative to even think about trying them backwards. Too bad they didn't work out. That dream cracked me up! With pink undies no less. =)

Candyland said...

HA! You're waaaayyyy cooler than Ang. Jol.

Wild Child said...

Love the title of your blog, swinging in by way of Shannon McM. You should join the UnMom for Random Tuesdays. You'll fit right in.

DL Hammons said...

If the store you went to in your dream was Dollar would have fit right in. :)

Carolina Valdez Miller said...

Hey Craig!

Also, you freaking crack me up. I want to see a picture now. Please please please. I love that you knew it was a dream only because you don't own pink underwear. Oh my word, how I adore you.

Mary Vaughn said...

I'm reading late today -- something to do with shoveling white crap. This post reminded me of all my fashion disasters but mostly just laughed aloud. Thanks, Vicki!

Stina Lindenblatt said...

I can one up you, Vicki. I have a pair of black jeans. Their waist is so low, I can't sit down without exposing the world to more than just my butt crack. Heck, I don't even have to sit down. And I think you probably need a thong with them, which is okay considering the jeans are already creeping where they don't belong. What's one more piece of fabric there.

Needless to say, I haven't worn then since buying them. So much for a bargin. ;)

LTM said...

I just... no words, my friend. No words.

First, high waists ARE trying to make a comeback--as is big hair. Guess which of the two I'm rooting for? ;p

And that dress should never be worn. By Angie or anyone~ <3

Jolene Perry said...

Highwaisted pants or skirt ARE okay - depending on the style and what you wear with them. But throw those away before you're tempted to try another rib bruising.


Clarissa Draper said...

Oh man, when Niedermaier does come here, it's going to be a really funny day!

Great pant story (ouch!)

India Drummond said...

This made me laugh out loud.. sounds exactly like something I'd do!

Creepy Query Girl said...

bwahaha! I can't stand high waisted things either. Well, now you know. lol. Just a quick question: who is C Niedermaier? I feel so in the dark about this I was almost afraid to ask...:)