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Friday, December 31, 2010

This is cruel

This,  my friends, is my seven day forecast.  

Look at today.  48! 

Now look at tomorrow. 18!

Going from 48 one day to 18 the next is a CRUEL JOKE from Mother Nature. 

Overall, 18 isn't bad for January.  it could be in the single digits or, worse, below zero.  However going from a balmy, snow-melting 48 one day to a bone-chilling 18 the next is a bit of a rude wake up call.
Mother Nature, if your listening, I suggest you let us down gradually.  How about 38 tomorrow? 28 on Sunday and 18 on Monday?  You really don't need to shove us head first over this sheer cliff to get your point across.  We know you're in charge.  Can't you just humor us once in awhile?

Flip Up Friday

Back when I was a kid...and I'm talking back in the 70's, every Friday was Flip Up Friday.  And it was exactly what it sounded like.  If you were foolish enough to wear a dress or skirt on that day, some boy was going to flip it up.  I don't even know that they were that interested in knowing what was underneath at the tender age of 8 and 9.  I think they just liked the alliteration of the threat. So every self-respecting girl wore shorts underneath her skirt/dress and thwarted those wicked boys' best efforts.

We girls weren't all *that* innocent, though.  We chased our share of boys trying to steal kisses.  I don't remember catching any of them.  I do remember one week where we somehow coerced the boys into being our slaves (we called them our 'puppies') during recess.  Made them push us on the swings, fetch things, and deliver messages.  It was great fun until one of them got hurt -- I think we dared him to jump off the swing or something.

The principal came to our classroom and put the kabosh on that. 

Anyway, can you imagine what would happen if those same offenses were committed TODAY?  Those boys would be suspended and possibly charged with sexual harassment.  The girls would probably be accused of bullying and would also get suspended.  Is that progress?

My kids' schools have anti-bullying programs in place.  I think this is a great idea.  Schools should not allow bullying to take place.  The problem is NOBODY defines bullying in the same way.  So the schools enact zero tolerance policies that completely eliminate their ability to use common sense and in some cases just make people hyper-sensitive to questionable behavior they would have ignored before.

I don't have any answers, just lots of questions.  What about you?  Did you do anything as a child that would land you in big trouble now?  Is there a solution? 

EYE CANDY BLOGFEST IS TOMORROW.  If you've not signed up yet, here's your last chance!  Looking forward to seeing what everyone posts. 

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Another Wardrobe Malfunction

I've got a wonderful husband.

(and no, he doesn't read my blog, so I'm not sucking up to him or anything)

He does the bulk of the household maintenance - the cleaning, dishes, and laundry.

I told you, he's wonderful. AND he was like this before I started writing.  I hear my friends complain about their man's inability to bring a dirty dish into the kitchen let alone WASH it without being told, and I feel blessed.  I DO appreciate him and how good I have it, so don't take what I'm about to say too seriously.

He can't sort worth $hit.  

It's very flattering that he thinks my daughter's itty bitty T-shirts or underwear could be mine, but how does he think MY not-so-itty and definitely not-too-bitty T-shirts are hers?  Each week my daughter and I exchange the look when we swap our piles of mis-sorted clothes back to their rightful owner.

The other day I was getting dressed and pulled a pair of black jeans down from the closet shelf.  
I put a leg in and frowned.  This did not feel right.  
I put my other leg in.  No.  Something was definitely wrong.  
They were so tight!

I wiggled and jiggled the damn things up to my waist.  There was NO WAY these were my jeans. Hubs must have mixed them up in the laundry. 

I took them off and checked the brand.  Nope, they were mine.  My daughter won't touch this brand.  They HAD to fit.  I'd just worn them a couple days before. Hubs must have washed them in hot and overdried them so they shrank more than normal.  

Yeah.  That had to be it.

A little stretching is all they needed. I tried again.

One leg, two leg. Tug, tug, tug.  UGH!  Had I really been eating THAT much?  I looked at the gap between button and button hole.  There was NO WAY I was going to be able to close that gap, not even if I laid down on the bed and climbed up the wall with my feet until I was practically standing on my head.

Disgusted, I took them off.  I checked the size and laughed (I probably should have cried)...these jeans were 2 years old!  They just happened to be the same exact brand of the pair I'd just bought.  

It's pretty damn depressing to realize how the pounds have creeped back over the last year. It has definitely motivated me to get my rear in gear and back to the gym.

Mostly, though, I was relieved to know I DID still have a pair of black jeans that fit (and I'm wearing them today, in honor of this post).

How did it happen? I have an extra-wide shelf in my closet.  Clothes that don't fit but I don't want to get rid of get tossed into the back row.  That's also where I hide all the Christmas presents.  When I'd pulled my bags of goodies out for wrapping, these forgotten jeans were mixed in with my others.  

So who is hitting the gym with me in the new year? 
(and please don't tell my husband about the accusations I wrongfully flung his way)

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

C'mon People -- SERIOUSLY?

I heard about THIS lawsuit on the news recently and I was speechless. (yes, it's been known to happen)

Essentially a mother is suing McDonald's because the toy in the Happy Meal makes it too difficult for her to say no to her children.

Pardon my French, but are you effing kidding me?

I'm a parent, and I understand sometimes we're running from here to there and don't have time to make the nutritious meals we'd like to.  I know kids beg incessantly for things.  Snacks, clothes, phones, whatever.  I know we want our children to be happy and sometimes it's not easy to break their tender little hearts.


I would never dream to blame the retailer for creating a product that my children want to own or consume.  That's their job.

I shudder to think what will happen if this lawsuit is successful.  

I have no problem saying no to my children.  If I don't want them to eat at McDonalds I (gasp) do not GO there in the first place.  I don't file a friggin lawsuit against the company for predatory marketing practices.  

C'MON!  Give me a bleeping break!

My kids know that begging for something will NOT do them any good.  They know it makes me angry and I wind up taking things away from them, not giving in. 

Guess what?  Sometimes my kids get mad.  Sometimes I'm unpopular.  Sometimes they tell me I'm being unfair/unreasonable/grouchy/whatever.

But they get over it.  Eventually.

I am the parent.  I make the decisions.  And yes, sometimes my decisions DO suck.  

In my opinion, this mother needs to grow a spine, not file a lawsuit.

Your thoughts?
Have you signed up for the Eye Candy Blogfest?
Have you stopped by to tell Peter McKay I said thanks?
Have you seen Craig Niedermaier anywhere?

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

McKay = Good For Business

I checked my keyword searches this weekend...and there was something really funny in there and I just had to share.  LOOK:

Ahem, the "funny" I referred to was McKay...but only the good kind of funny. 
In no way was that meant to be derogatory

According to the handy dandy statcounter, 85% of the searchers found me by typing in "Peter McKay".  Clearly, that means associating myself with The Master is very good for business.  

But I feel guilty, my friends.  So very guilty.

Besides entertaining me weekly for years, he has now given me another gift by increasing my viewership (albeit inadvertently) and what have I done in return?  

(cue crickets)

Exactly.  I ain't done diddly squat.

It's time to give back.  
It's time to return the favor.  
It is time to let him know how much we CARE!  

(Peter, are you out there?  Are you squirming uncomfortably in your chair?)

Here's my proposal:    

Go to his website:  
or just click HERE.  Have a look around.  Laugh.  Then leave a comment.

Tell him I said hi.  
Tell him I'm thankful for his unwitting assistance in boosting my numbers.  
Tell him I said he rocks.  
Tell him whatever.  Just work me in there somehow...

I think comments are moderated, so if he lets them go through, I'll send one of his books to one lucky commenter.  Really, it's the least I can do.

Go forth, my friends and spread the bloggy love.

Craig Niedermaier, if you're out there -- I'd REALLY love it if you left Peter a message.  He seems to think you might be a figment of my imagination!

Monday, December 27, 2010

Mock Me Monday - Zac Efron can FLY!

I had another post lined up for today, but last night I had a strange dream so decided to reschedule things. 

I was in New York City.  The whole city was lit in tones of blue that morphed into purple and back to blue again.  GORGEOUS.

A woman (mid twenties) talked about the importance of deciphering the codes in the parade about to take place and how failure was not an option, blah blah blah. 

I was part of a super-secret, elite marketing group (ahem, this right here should be enough material for you to mock me for the next month) and we had to figure out what the competition was up to before they ruined our client's new product line.  A parade went by.  Some of the floats were HUMUNGOUS, but there didn't appear to be a theme or anything unusual about any of them.  

After the parade, the 7 or 8 of us went up to an apartment I shared with another girl on the 7th floor. It was a PIT.  There was a three-foot hole in our bathroom wall that looked into the living room of the apartment next door.  The floors were wood, but the finish had been worn off completely.  

Before we could discuss what clues we had unearthed from the parade, there was a commotion out in the streets.  There was a shark swimming in the gutters!  We ran down to see for ourselves and sure enough there was a shark about 5 feet long swimming around, jaws snapping.

Out of nowhere Zac Efron appears.  And then - OMG - he's FLYING.  He swooped down and grabbed the shark by his tail and zipped up into the sky.  But guess what? I can fly too!  So I zoomed up after him in time to witness him ripping his shirt off which somehow he used to muzzle the shark. He handed the shark to me and I flung it to the pavement below. It was kinda a bloody mess, I won't lie. 

This is a good time to mention a few important facts:
1-In real life, I don't think about Zac Efron AT ALL. I don't get what all the fuss is about. 
2-I was not myself in the dream.  I was a 20 something girl with long stick-straight, mouse-brown hair.
3-I can't fly, and am actually sorta afraid of heights.  And, finally
4-If I COULD fly, I don't think I would splatter a shark all over the city sidewalks...even if it ate someone.

Back to the dream...

Zac smiled at me.  His eyes were unbelievably blue and sliced right through me.  Oh, and he was still shirtless.  WHOA. I floundered a bit in mid-air.  He grabbed hold of my waist to steady me.  OMG, his hands were soooo warm.  I look down -- I'm wearing a mid-drift tank top. 
(Obviously I'm not myself.  There's no way in hell this body is going to wear any shirt unless the hem falls BELOW the waistband of my pants/shorts.)  

People in the street cheered the minute he touched me.  He snatched his hands away, and muttered something about not liking public performances.

My conscious mind took over then...An ewww, Zac Efron slipped in and I woke up before we could fly away from the prying eyes of the general public.

I came upstairs and told my family Zac Efron could fly and they looked at me like I was nuts...which of course I probably am.  For the record, I will NOT be starting any sort of "Hello Zac" campaign.  hahahaha

Can any of you fly in your dreams?  What would you do with the shark?

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Greatest Business Name Ever

Still off on holiday....

I stumbled across this the other day and bust out laughing.  Is this the greatest name of an accounting firm ever?

 Don't forget the Eye Candy Blogfest
January 1st

Just post your favorite picture.


UPDATE:  No word from Craig Niedermaier yet, but I HAVE received an email from his cousin.  We're THIS close!  

Oh, and in case Jeffrey is lurking - be sure to say hello in the comments...make him feel welcome...he could be the key to our  success!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone!

My all-time favorite Christmas card ever.
I couldn't buy enough for everyone, 
so I did the next best thing...
I scanned & posted.
Wishing you a very Merry Christmas.
Now log off and go enjoy your family.

Friday, December 24, 2010


That title doesn't mean anything.  Just felt like serenading you.  Pretend that was perfectly pitched and made you smile.

To make your holiday surfing easier, I'm just posing random questions so we can learn a bit more about each other and you can get on with your rounds more quickly.

Today's installment:  (feel free to answer any or all)

Favorite Christmas song?

Do you buy presents for your pets?

What gift would you buy Craig Niedermaier? (you know, assuming you knew him and all that jazz)

Oh, and I bought this card JUST so I could post it for you all:


Thursday, December 23, 2010

Little Bit O' Fun

Just 2 more days til CHRISTMAS!  We're all pressed for time, so I'll keep this short and sweet.

Finish any of these sentences:

The thing I love most about Christmas is...

My biggest New Year's Resolution will be...

The best gift I've ever given is...

Craig Niedermaier is...


Don't forget to sign up for the
January 1st

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

We did it!

Thanks to all of YOU I passed 10,000 views yesterday!  The awesome Emy Shin captured THE screen shot of the year:

When I started this blog back in April, I got all kinds of excited over a single comment -- who knew I'd hit 10,000 views by the end of the year?  THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

I've got epic computer battles to wage tonight, so I'm posting an impromptu challenge so I can go get my war face on.  

Can you overcome the following cliche?

The snow sparkled like diamonds.

Yes, the snow does sparkle in the sunshine, but the whole diamond thing is overdone, right?

How about:

The snow sparkled like a Vegas showgirl.

They do sparkle, my friends.  More than any ol' vampire ever did.  They invented the bling and the sparkle.

Your turn.

The snow sparkled like.....what? 

Tuesday, December 21, 2010


I've had my page view counter buried at the bottom of the blog for awhile now.  I put it there for my own amusement, but now that we are about to hit 10,000 views, I pushed it up front and center so we could all watch it click over.

If you are #10,000 shoot me an email!


WINNER announced -- And a funny or two

Okay, I kept you in suspense long enough.  

Last Thursday, I received an email from Peter McKay.  It blew me out of the water.  I seriously thought the Niedermaier v. McKay battle would last at least a FEW weeks.  Is he on top of his game or what? 

Anyway, that means I owe somebody a couple of books.  Here's the list who signed up for Team McKay:

Mary Vaughn
Jules Ausborn
Susan Fields
Shannon McMahon

(These signed up after I knew the winner...but since I hadn't told anyone, I'm going to let hem in)

Meghan Schuessler
Creepy Query Girl
Lydia Kang
Janet Johnson

So there are eight entries. says the lucky winner is....#5

Also known as

Meghan Schuessler!!!

Meghan, you'll get a copy of either Dirty Dog or Welcome to the Nuthouse and a book of your choice.  Email me your preferences at MissVSpeaks(at)gmail(dot)com and I'll take care of the rest.

A thousand thanks to Peter for being a good sport with all of this. (let's hope Niedermaier has an equally fabulous sense of humor)  Speaking of humor, today is Tuesday.  Do you know what that means?  There's a brand new column up, of course.  You can read it on Yahoo HERE or on his site HERE

And if that's not enough linkage for you, consider the following a public service announcement for all of you finishing your holiday shopping.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Mock Me Monday - The Nerd Within

This might be kind of hard for some of you to believe (or maybe not, but you'll lie to me, won't you?)  

I was kind of a nerd in school.

Let me qualify that.  I didn't actually define myself as anything in school.  I never really thought of myself as nerdy or cool or anything.  I knew I wasn't part of the "popular" crowd, but I couldn't really tell you where I did fit in.

Now that I'm so-much-cooler (and coincidentally so much older), I look back and recognize all the hallmarks of nerd-dom.  Nothing so cliche as pocket protectors or horn-rimmed glasses.  

My clothes were never *quite* in style (ha! they still aren't), do NOT get me started on my hair, and being in any group outside my immediate family or friends was grounds for a panic attack. 

I'm so embarrassed to admit this, but I used to get into trouble so I'd have something to do.

Stop those visions of me sneaking out of the house or attending raucous parties.  That is sooo not what I meant.  I've never EVER snuck out of my house.

No, to be worthy of a Mock Me Monday, my confession needs to be so much more humiliating.

What was my pitiful crime?

*hangs head*

I chewed gum in class.

Wait!  It gets worse.

I announced to my friends one fine Friday morning that I didn't have any plans for the weekend so I was going to chew gum in Mr. H's class so he'd assign me lines for the weekend.  (my daughter is holding a giant L to her forehead and laughing derisively at me)

You see it was all the rage back then for teachers to make misbehaving students write "I will not (fill in the blank)" 100 or 200 times.  This tedious repetition was supposed to dissuade us from such bad behavior.

But I liked to write, you see.  So even writing "I will not chew gum in class" 250 times wasn't much of a deterrent. 

But you want to know another secret?

I cheated.

No no, not on a test (OMG! NO! I'd never! I did let a football player look at my paper in English a time or two...that's a whole other story for another day).  I cheated writing my lines.

Rebel that I was, I deliberately mis-numbered my sentences.  I knew Mr. H. wouldn't count them.  As long as it started with 1 and ended with 250, I was good.  So I skipped a lot of numbers in between.

I know, I know.  How pathetic is it to get into trouble so I can WRITE and then CHEAT on the writing? 

This was the extent of my Great Teenage Rebellion.  How about you?

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Team Niedermaier

Calling all Team Niedermaier supporters!  Want to push the blog up in the Google Search rankings?  This post is for you!  

Post an open letter to Mr. Craig Niedermaier of Chicago.  Ask him questions, declare your devotion to his team, or just type his name over and over again.  Completely up to you.

My contribution is below, just to get things started.  If you're for the *other* team, see yesterday's post.

Dear Mr. Niedermaier,

Okay, so I had this dream awhile back about a guy who just happened to have your name. I'm pretty sure it was NOT you since y'know, we've never met (although I have been to Chicago plenty of times) and I'm not psychic or anything.  At least I don't think I am.  If you tell me you have two pre-teen daughters and like flying to Morocco for long weekends, I might have to reconsider my psychic abilities.

Anyway, Craig (can I call ya Craig or should we keep it formal with Mr. Niedermaier?), When I woke up, I remembered the name so I Googled it and voila, there you were.  The rest of this psuedo-cyber stalking stuff just kind of happened.

I don't want anything, really. Nothing of significance.  It won't cost you a thing, I swear.  All I want is a comment on the blog or an email.  If you do that, one lucky winner (who has been rooting for you since Day One, Craig,  DAY ONE) will receive a prize package containing various movies filmed in Chicago.  But I can't give it away until I hear from you...or that other guy. 

You know, I'm not above bribery...would you like a prize, too?  I can send you something, if you like.  All it'll cost you is 30 seconds to type out a message.  Here, I'll even type out a few for you to copy and paste:

Dear Annoying Blogger,
Alright, enough already!
Frustratedly yours,
C. Niedermaier


Dear Ms. Rocho (technically it's Mrs. but that just sounds old),
You're quite amusing, but can you cut it out now?


Dear Vicki
Can you go cyber stalk someone else?
Best Regards,

There.  Just send one of those (or compose one of your own, I'm not picky) to MissVSpeaks(at)gmail(dot)com.

Merry Christmas to you & yours!

Vicki Rocho


What about you?  Go ahead, talk to Craig....he may be listening!
(I didn't realize it, but I've never allowed anonymous comments on here.  I've lifted the restriction, so ANYONE can join the fun.  But I will turn it on again if anyone starts to get out of line.)

Saturday, December 18, 2010


Calling all Team McKay supporters!  Want to push the blog up in the Google Search rankings?  This post is for you!  
(if you support the opposing team, come back tomorrow.  I am not allowed to besmirch this post with the other contestant's name)

So, for all you Team McKay members out there (even those of you who hadn't declared your allegiance publicly) this is your chance to ask questions, make comments, or just let your inner comedian shine -- maybe you can make the Master himself laugh.

Here's my two cents to get ya started:

Dear Mr. Peter McKay:

Umm.  Hi. 
(insert awkward silence)

In your professional opinion, is it appropriate for a 40 year old woman to scream in Bieber-esque fashion in your presence? On the up side, you can't hear me from way over there, but I'm afraid it might just be a trifle undignified. 

I've never been one of the screaming meemies, you see.  So I'm woefully inexperienced in this department.  I've never had Hollywood Hotties plastered on my bedroom walls and I have never fantasized about meeting anyone. Not much of a fangirl, I guess.  

Point is, if ever I were to embarrass myself in such grandiose fashion, it would be for just a handful of people and you're definitely on the short list. 

I'm going to try not to embarrass myself, though that is something I DO have a lot of experience with.  Ask anyone around here.  I humiliate myself so often, I've made it a regular feature (See anything with the Mock Me Monday tag).  

For the record, if you wanna squeal all fangirl (errr fanboy? guy? man?) on my behalf, I'm perfectly okay with that. 

Happy Holidays and all that jazz,

Vicki Rocho


Your turn. What do you want to say to Peter?  
(I have allowed anonymous comments...just be nice or I'll take it away again)

Friday, December 17, 2010


I have received an email from one of the "Team Captains"!!!

I'm not going to tell you who it was just yet.  I know that's kind of a cruel thing to do--to dangle the carrot and then yank it away.  I have a good reason though.

You see, I had planned an Open Letter/Forum thing for this weekend, and I thought we'd go ahead with it. One day for each team.  

Team McKay: Swing by on Saturday.
Team Niedermaier: Stop over on Sunday.

Leave your questions, your comments, your ramblings or whatever. The forum will be entirely yours.  Have fun with it!  Maybe we can lure the *other* Team Captain over here.  That would be epic, don'tcha think?

Happy Friday everyone!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

I'm in Hell

Now that I have your attention, I want to clarify that I am not in hell.  My main character is.  Relatively speaking, of course.

You see, my MS has been stalled lately.  There are many reasons for that:  

  1. Not enough time to devote to crawling into Murphy's head, 
  2. Too many distractions (aged 15, 9, and 7), 
  3. General indecision
  4. CP (Chronological Psychosis). This is where you feel compelled to link all *good* scenes together with the mundane minutiae that make up your character's day.  All the stuff that happens between Scene 1 and Scene 2 (1.1, 1.2, 1.21, 1.22, 1.3 etc).  I do this even though I KNOW it'll go on the chopping block later.  I'm getting better about this, but it's still a problem.

I liked the beginning well enough...Murphy before his fall from grace.  Once he got down to Earth, though, it kinda fell apart and I didn't know what to do about it.  Murphy is full of attitude, he's a god afterall. He's not going to come down to Earth and be humbled immediately.  No, he's gonna be a jerk for a while. 

I kinda knew what would happen once he started classes (heh heh heh, he's going to hate me for it)...but I needed a scene before his first day.  

And I was stumped.

Then one day while I was home for lunch, Murphy spoke to me!  He said, "I'm in Hell." 

Well, those three little words opened the floodgates, they did. 

While I was tapping out the scene, I added a little something completely out of the blue which at the time didn't mean anything but now that I've had some time to think about it will be a great subplot.  I'd like to take credit for this brilliance, but I wasn't thinking that far ahead when I wrote it. It was either divine intervention or a happy little accident. 

So enough about me...have you ever written something in the spur of the moment that turned out to be inspired/convenient/pivotal later?  Tell me all about it...

 Shannon has a new critique up!  Hope you can help.

Craig Niedermaier & Peter McKay
We'd love to hear from you! 
I have a prize package to give away
But I can't do it until one of you says hey


Wednesday, December 15, 2010

My Life With Forms

I think this speaks for itself.

Call for help
What forms to use?
Form 1, 2, and 3.  Also Form A
Fill out Form 1-3 and Form A
Receive Error Message A
Woops--my bad
Fix Form A
Receive Error Message B
Call for help
Form A not processed yet. 
No worries.  Wait it out.
Receive Error Message A (again)
Call for help
Need to use Form B
Complete form B
Call for help 
(BEFORE submitting)
No No NO!
NO Form B
Use Form A
But what about Error Message A?


If you haven't chosen a side in the EPIC Niedermaier vs. McKay Battle, be sure to check out yesterday's post to let me know who you're betting on.


Tuesday, December 14, 2010

I Found It!

I hereby present you with one of the funniest Peter McKay columns ever.  If this doesn't make you laugh you either have no kids or your sense of humor isn't warped enough.

It Just Gets Better & Better - CONTEST

So I was thinking...

(yeah, that's probably something I should only do under strict supervision) can I manage the Hello Craig Niedermaier campaign while also trying to lure Peter McKay over here for an interview/guest blog?

The solution is to pit the two men against each other!  And YOU get to choose the winner!
How fun is that?  

So here's Da Rules:

1.  You gotta be a follower.
2.  You gotta pick a side.

OPTIONAL:  Declare your allegiance by displaying one of the team buttons on your sidebar or in a post.  (the more of you who post, the higher up in the Google ratings we go and the more likely you are to win!)


That's it!  

But you probably want to know what's in it for you, right?  Welllll....

If we lure Mr. Peter McKay over first, I will give away your choice of one of his books:


...a book of YOUR choice! 
(ahem, w/in reason...there will be a cap on this)

BUT, if we should hear from Mr. Craig Niedermaier first, I'll put together a collection of movies set in Chicago.  Such as:


Or maybe something completely different!  It'll be a surprise for both of us!

So, tell me...which team are you on?

Monday, December 13, 2010

Angelina Jolie I am NOT

Other titles under consideration for this post:

The Revenge of the Granny Pants

-- or --

Holy Mother of God, What Was I Thinking?

I recently bought a pair of black suede-like pants with a back zipper.  I tried them on and they FIT.  Wasn't crazy about the back zipper because when you really gotta go, it's kind of awkward to get the damn thing undone.  But they felt really good, and the price was right (under $10--Thank You Clearance Gods!)

They were a little high-waisted, and I can hear some of you fashionistas screaming in protest, but the high waist camouflaged some of those unsightly belly rolls.  I know they are technically out of style these days, but PSHAW, what do I care about trends?  My mantra is comfort (and clearance, Clearance, CLEARANCE).

I might need to get a new mantra.

Y'see, these pants seduced me.  Their velvety softness, the flattering fit, and did I mention the unbelievable price?

But there was a problem I hadn't yet discovered.

It's the damn high waist.  It's okay when I'm standing and walking...but when I sit down, OW!

I have a desk job.  I sit 99.9% of the day.  So, when I wore them to work, I quickly discovered the waistband digs into my ribs.  ALL DAY.  Worse, while seated, the waistline creeps even higher...just an inch or so below the band of my bra.  Reminiscent of granny pants...or those horrid maternity pants with the expanding stretchy fabric insert you can just about pull up over your head.  It was very uncomfortable to say the least.

Well, the other morning I was in a rush and thought I'd give them another chance...couldn't be as bad as I remembered, could it?  

Only this time, I wore them backwards--with the zipper up front.  Hey!  Angelina Jolie wore a dress backwards (on the red carpet no less) and no one made fun of her!  My sweater was long enough to hide the zipper, and I thought it was a brilliant solution.

I thought wrong, my friends.

So very, very wrong.

The damn things bruised my ribs.  I will NEVER wear them again...frontward or backward.  

****completely unrelated:  while typing this last bit, I remembered the dream I had last night where I went to the store in a pair of pink saggy underwear (I don't have any pink ones at the moment so that's how I knew it was a dream) and NO ONE paid any attention to me.  It wasn't until I was on my way home I realized I forgot to put pants on.****


All this makes me you think Mr. Niedermaier has ever worn anything backwards?

If you are C. Niedermaier (I'm branching out with my Google keywords), I'd like to talk to you!  MissVSpeaks(at)Gmail(dot)com.