Join the Madness

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Worst Day Ever - TIME TO VOTE!

Here's what we'll do.  You cast your votes for your favorite entry below, and the winner will get his/her choice of prize packages ($40 cash or the Brains/zombie blood/finger).  I will draw a name at random from all other entries for the leftover prize.

I know these get a little long, so I'll leave the voting open for a week to give you plenty of opportunity to come back and read.




ENTRY #1 Janet Johnson

You wake up to the baby crying at 4:42 (you know because you looked at
the clock). You slog out of bed, only to discover it's the dog
scratching at the door because he had to go, but you were WAY to slow,
so now you've stepped in a warm wet puddle on the brand new carpet you
put in yesterday. After cleaning up the mess, you climb back into bed,
to discover your place has been hijacked by a certain OTHER child.
When you finally get back to sleep after a few kicks in the stomach,
the real baby starts crying, and by the time she is changed and back
asleep, the alarm goes off.

In the time it takes to get back to your room to turn off the alarm,

your husband has taken over the shower, and by the time he's out,
you're running late AND there's no hot water left. It's not until your
blow-dryer eats your hair and then explodes on you before your hair is
dry that you remember you have a meeting with your boss to discuss
that big project and that you were supposed to get to work early. If
only you had done the laundry last night so you had something better
than your grandma's couch-print flower dress (that you intended to use
as your next Halloween costume) to wear.

Since you got in an accident on the way to work, your boss gave the

assignment to Fred, the jerk who's been trying to steal your job since
he started, and you are asked to sort the mail until another project
comes along.

When you step outside to head to your favorite diner for lunch, a bird

poops on your head, and when you DO get to the diner, they're out of
your favorite muffin. A bus splashes muddy water all over you as you
walk back, and the boss refuses to let you leave until the mail is
sorted, because it's been backlogged for a week while Sally was on
vacation in Hawaii.

On the way home, you hear about a contest on the radio and you are

caller 8 when you have to be 9. And wouldn't you know it, when you get
home, your husband has cooked dinner for you. If only he a) knew how
to cook and b) cleaned up after himself. The next two hours cleaning
was definitely not worth the hamburger surprise casserole you were
forced to rave about.

Bed-time can't come too early, except the baby's diaper has leaked on

your bed (your side, of course), and the dinner has given you
indigestion.


ENTRY #2 - Bish

7 AM: Alarm goes off.
7:45: Have forgotten to Spring Forward.
8:50: Try to call work. Cell phone battery is dead.
8:55: Leave for work. Realize I’ve left purse and brief case at home.
9:05: Get home. Discover toilet overflowing. There is water all over the bathroom floor and in the hall. Turn off water. Throw every towel I have onto the floor.
9:15: Leave home. Realize purse and briefcase are still at home.
9:30: Retrieve purse and brief case.
9:55: Arrive at work. Have 5 minutes to get ready for important meeting. Realize my slacks are navy and my jacket is black.
10: Meeting goes well, until right at the end when bowels rumble dangerously and I let out a huge, long, noisy fart.
10:30: Nearly get fired.
10:45: Retreat to my cubicle. Computer is down. Call tech.
11:00: Tech arrives, fixes computer.
Noon: Get an hour of work done. Eat lunch. Spill coffee on lap and drip chili down front of white blouse.
1 PM: Return to cubicle. Failed to save work.
2:00: Redo work. Save it.
2:15: Work 15 minutes more when computer crashes. Call tech.
2:30: Tech arrives. Computer is fried. They will bring a new computer in the morning. Give them back-up.
2:35: Realize work I saved earlier was not backed-up as that’s what I do at the end of each day.
2:40: Clean desk which leads to cleaning out drawers. Discover moldy sandwich stuck to the back of bottom drawer.
3:00: Coffee break. Trip and spill coffee on a co-worker.
3:15: Return to cleaning cubicle.
3:30: Boss hands me a file to copy which he needs ASAP.
3:35: Copy machine has massive jam session. Call tech.
3:40: Tech arrives. Unjam machine.
3:45: Boss finds me and wants to know where the hell his file is?
3:50: Get file to boss. Return to cubicle. Clean out file cabinet.
4:15: Boss hands me another file to copy.
4:20: Copier out of ink. Call tech.
4:30: Tech arrives, changes ink.
4:40: Get file to boss.
4:45: Return to cubicle. Have 15 minutes left in my horrible day. Sit down, lean back, chair breaks, hit head on open drawer of file cabinet.
6:30: Wake up in the ER. Have a mild concussion. Call girl friend to drive me home.
7:10: Girl friend arrives. I insist I need to pick up my car at work.
7:30: Get to parking garage. Car has a flat tire. Call AAA.
7:50: AAA arrives, changes tire. Girl friend follows me home.
8:10: Say good night to girl friend. Have forgotten about the wet towels in the bathroom and hallway. Trip, slip, slide and fall hard on my rear, bruising tail bone.
8:30: Manage to throw towels in washer.
8:45: Washer breaks.
8:50: Try to fix something to eat. Spill and break a glass of milk. Explode hot dog in microwave.
9:00: Take shower.
9:10: No towels.
9:15: Brush teeth, scrape gum with toothbrush.
9:20: Crawl into bed. Burst into tears.
Midnight: Can’t sleep.

ENTRY #3 - CANDYLAND
"Give me your wallet," she demanded. "And get on your knees."

I did as she asked and met her gaze. 

"Beg," she said.

"I don't want to die?" I murmured.

"Is that a question?" she asked.

"No?"

She wiped the plastic gun across a dew of sweat on her forehead and belted an evil laugh.

"You think you're in charge?"

I shrugged and shifted my eyes towards the beeping timer behind her.

"Let me go," I said.

"No."

"Please!" 

The beeps exploded in a panic. I pulled at my shirt where my heart tried to break free. She hesitated.

I shoved the gun away from my head and pushed my way past.

"Shit. Dinner's ruined," I swiped a finger through the thick lump of splattered leftovers and faced my captor. 

"McDonald's?"

She threw her plastic gun and squealed the way four--year-olds do.

Stopped at a light, a man approached the passenger window. He opened the door and sat down. His liquor-drenched breath filled the air. I gagged more than a little and adjusted my rear view mirror to see my daughter's horrified face.

"MGM Studios. Step on it," David Hasselhoff said.

"But I'm not--" I said.

"GO!" he slobbered.

I took the only route I knew-long, winding roads in the most desolated part of the country. I didn't think it mattered that we weren't, in fact, anywhere near MGM Studios. I don't think he knew what day it was.

Somehow, day turned to night and the Hoff laid passed out. Lilli was quiet and wide-eyed.

We stumbled upon an old graveyard that had no exit. And then the damnedest thing happened--I ran out of gas.

"Looks like we have to walk," I motioned Lilli. I let the Hoff rest.

We weaved through the piles of dirt and buried life for what felt like hours. 

I'm tired," Lilli said. So we sat down against a tree.

Minutes passed when the Hoff fell from the car and crawled towards us, moaning and groaning about his career.

"What's he saying?" Lilli asked.
"I think he's trying to communicate."

"You want a treat?" I asked.

He pointed to the woods where Justin Bieber came out singing. I covered my ears but the pain was overwhelming. The Hoff's head exploded and Lilli cried.

As Justin got closer, the pain grew. We ran to the car and locked the doors.

"The scissors!" I yelled. "Hand them to Mommy!"
Lilli pulled a pair of scissors she shouldn't have had (because that's bad parenting) from her princess purse. I rolled down my window.

When he approached, I cut a lock of his hair, and he disappeared. The car started and we drove home, where the hubs was waiting.

"Where's dinner?" he asked. Did id you pay the water bill? Can you do laundry? Oh and can you drop the dog off at the vet? And and and...”

After that, I remember nothing. I blacked out.

ENTRY #4 - Anna Hailey

anonymoustwittername
morning, Twitter! ::offerstea:: ::drinkswithraisedpinky:: Off to watch news. #riseandshine
12 hours ago

anonymoustwittername
TV won't work, needs new HDMI cord #petrabbitchewedthecord #nothappy #badrabbit #furhat
12 hours ago

anonymoustwittername
made it to @RadioShack in no time! No traffic, lots of pedestrians #latestcraze #needmorecardio #notetoself
11 hours ago

anonymoustwittername
Crazy clerk @RadioShack! Tried to lock me in w/him. Save humanity? What's Zday? Freak slashed my tire! #psychomuch? #gonnasue #nutjob
11 hours ago

anonymoustwittername
@RadioShack psycho freak said money doesn't matter. As if! Didn't charge me for the cord! #bonus! #silverlining #freestuff #stillgonnasue
11 hours ago

anonymoustwittername
Attacked by weirdo while changing tire! I think he bit me! What's with people today? #crowbarismyfriend #brokeanail #needmanipedi
10 hours ago

anonymoustwittername
Great parking place at mall! Almost no cars. Everyone must be walking. #needwalkingshoes #shoeshopping #JOY
10 hours ago

anonymoustwittername
Shoe clerk as nutty as RSguy! Told her about him, she's going over there! #weirdos #matchmaking #myworkhereisdone
10 hours ago

anonymoustwittername
Shoe clerk gave me her keys, said take whatever I want! Who's up for a shoe spree? #freestuff #doublebonus #bestdayever
10 hours ago

anonymoustwittername
Twitter's quiet today. Where's my tweetpeeps? ::taptaptap:: #isthisthingon?
10 hours ago

anonymoustwittername
Got new sneakers in every color! Off to get mani-pedi! #lovethemall
9 hours ago

anonymoustwittername
Salon weirdness, big puddle of red hair dye(?) on the floor. Smells yummy. Still no clerk. #someoneshouldgetamop #notme #bored #waiting
9 hours ago

anonymoustwittername
Sick of waiting. Did my own mani-pedi! Not my color, went with red anyway. #thatshowIroll
8 hours ago

anonymoustwittername
Woozy, not feeling right. Need to eat. #flu #bed #chickensoup
8 hours ago

anonymoustwittername
At superstore. People give me funny looks. Check mirror, HUGE bags under my eyes! #ohthehorror #grabsconcealer #gettingoldsux
8 hours ago

anonymoustwittername
Smell of chicken soup in deli made stomach churn. Need to find something! #starving #feedme #where'sthebeef?
8 hours ago

anonymoustwittername
ransacked the meat department. So hungry, I almost ate a raw steak. In the store! #mayneedanewfreezer #lotsofmeat #havingaBBQ
7 hours ago

anonymoustwittername
They didn't make me pay for my cart of meat! #freestuff #JOY #addcrazyclerks2XmasList
7 hours ago

anonymoustwittername
Ate steaks on way home. Good stuff! #steaktartare #NEWJOY
6 hours ago

anonymoustwittername
Sick. Sleepy. #naptime
6 hours ago

anonymoustwittername
Hungry. Needz 2 eat #meat #foood #brainz
2 hours ago

anonymoustwittername
Found rabbitz. Gud rabbitz. #snak
1 hour ago

anonymoustwittername
Come ovr. paRty. #eatyurbrainz
21 minutes ago

ENTRY #5 - Julius Vergara

Morning:
- Wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy. 
- Reached for alarm, fell out of bed, and hit head on the corner table. 
- Landed on small puddle of dog pee. 
- Shower it off and make breakfast toast and with toast ready, find out that Nutella is all out. 

The Day 
- Get in car and find zombie telemarketer in back seat. 
- Kill zombie telemarketer but somehow got signed up for a monthly newsletter for newlyweds. 
- Turn on radio and first song is by Justin Beiber. 
- Go to work and get phone call from Morpheus 
- Escape from Agents and find out the Truth. 

The Evening 
- Get kicked out of Fight Club for lack of participation. 
- Someone broke in house and stole pizza rolls.........again. 

ENTRY #6 - Jolene Perry

I’m a Prosecutor in Alaska.  This morning is the third day of my DA’s conference and the first thing I want to say is that I hate sharing a room.  I really hate sharing a room when my roommate snores like an asthmatic screechy cat half submerged in a bathtub. 

In case you haven’t already guessed.  I didn’t sleep well.

The vending machines only have coffee.  I don’t drink coffee.  I don’t eat muffins.  I’m hungry, grumpy, tired and my feet hurt.  I have no idea why my feet hurt.  It makes no sense, all I’ve done for two days is sit and listen to how I could be doing my job better – only I already do all this crap and wonder how much the great state of Alaska is paying for this outpouring of non-important information?

This morning is supposed to be a special treat – we get to spend the morning in role playing games with the people from the public defender’s office.  One where we’re required to wear silly hats.  I want to scream at the powers that be – “We already play games with these pricks!  On opposite sides of the courtroom!  Making us wear silly hats will NOT help us get along – it will only create pictures that will no doubt end up on Facebook, myspace, Youtube or the Alaska Department of Law Recruitment page!  I’m not sure which is worse.

A very large, greasy lunch is followed by a three hour presentation by the two odd guys who work at the morgue.  They look like two guys who would like to spend their days underground in a refrigerated room with dead people.  So… yeah… three hours of autopsy and crime scene photos after a Mexican buffet.

Incredibly, this is when my day turns around.  There’s no humor like gallows humor, especially when shown by people as desensitized as these two guys.  They are so excited to show us the odd ways people die.  I wonder how many submissions they’ve made to the Darwin Awards?

Let me tell you the situation – aside from the obvious fact that I’m alive and all the people in the pics are dead – that brightened my day the most.

We have on the screen a picture of a rather large man who was found dead in his house.  This in itself isn’t that strange.  People die in their homes all the time.  But most people aren’t fat hairy men with seventies mustaches wearing fake boobs and pink negligees.  Porn magazines are scattered everywhere.  These two guys inspected the body carefully at the scene and couldn’t figure out the cause of death.  When taken to the morgue his blood alcohol level was a .6 something.  .08 is legally drunk.

He died of alcohol poisoning – but there was no alcohol or alcohol bottles found in the house.

After questioning the friends who called the death in to the police – they admitted to taking all the alcohol bottles with them.

“Why?”  The cops ask.

 “Because there were so many and it was kind of embarrassing.”

Wait.  What?  A fat hairy man wearing fake boobs, sprawled out on his floor in a ladies pink negligee, surrounded by porn magazines is found dead and the alcohol bottles are embarrassing?  No one thought to take of the negligee?  Pick up the magazines?  Shave off the stash?

I’m reminded again of why I love my job.  Who knew that an autopsy photo of a fat man in a pink negligee would be the thing to turn my day around?

ENTRY #7 - SInN
One day i woke up and it was very sunny. Till I got dressed in a light  cool out fit all is well i run out of the house to get the mail when suddenly a huge storm cloud opened up and i was instantly soaked  the mail ruined and i just got my brand new copy of Brains by Robin Becker. I was deeply horrified so i ran to the porch where i tripped and  fell into a mud puddle and broke a nail while  trying to save my beloved copy and if things couldn't get worse they did i locked my self out of the house now soaked threw and people can see my hello kitty panty set given to me as a joke but it's laundry day so all i had clean. ohhh it gets soo much worse the hotness that is my fiancee just pulled up with a group of his buddies who  all ogled me in my hello kitty panties and broken  nails and snapped pics of it and posted on youtube if things couldn't get worse my mothers pastor came by while i was still locked out trying to get in to save my beloved copy of Brains by Robin Becker and he was in for a shock cause now i looked like a dirty street rat who just got home from doing something naughty which my fiancee and his buddies thought be super funny to slip me a 20 pat me on the rear and say next time its on me the pastor was embarrassed and  things got worse the pastor thought was an invite and called his wife to tell on me and now  my nails are broken, i'm in  clothes where you can see my hello kitty everything and my beloved book Brains by Robin Becker is now ruined anddddd now the pastor and his wife think i'm a harlot and i still couldn't find my keys so i climbed threw a window all wel  and good till i was arrested for breaking in to my own house  talk about a bad day I don't think it could get worse 

ENTRY #8 - Theresa Milstein

"Camped and Confused"         

I like the outdoors. Really. I’ll hike if it’s not too long or treacherous. Or hot or rocky. I’ve even mountain biked on some twisty trails. But I’ve never understood why on earth anyone wanted to waste time camping.      

My boyfriend never camped either. He decided we should go camping, so he borrowed a tent and two sleeping bags. It shows how much I liked him that I actually agreed to go.  He chose Assateague Island in Maryland because it had wild ponies. I thought, sure, why not?       

By the time we reached the island and chose a spot with other campers on the beach, it was dinnertime. After struggling with/setting up our tent, we began eating our picnic dinner. The other campers’ setups should’ve been our first clue of what was to come. Most of them were protected by large screen canopies. For a few minutes, we ate and talked. Then the sun sank a little lower in the sky, and the mosquitoes attacked. I had brought a natural bug repellent, but I might as well have smeared barbecue sauce all over my body.      

He and I threw what was left of our food in a bag without bothering to close it securely, and then we dove into our tent, zipping it shut as quickly as we could. The next few minutes were spent whacking the mosquitoes that had invaded our tent.      

It was early. We had nothing to do. 

I was itchy. And I was in a BAD MOOD. Not very romantic. We had our first huge fight. With nothing else to do, I huffed as I smacked my pillow into a “comfortable” position to go to sleep.  Have you ever tried to sleep on sand? Not a nap while baking in the sun, but overnight? It’s hard and lumpy. It took hours to fall asleep because I was hungry, itchy, stuck on sand, with sand stuck on me, and my large number of mosquito bites had given me a fever. Awesome.      

At some point, I drifted off to sleep. That’s when I heard them. First their clop, clopping on the ground. Then their teeth ripping our bags of unsecured food. And then their pupupupup sounds like when you blow air through closed lips. The ponies had surrounded our tent. I don’t know how big they were, but from my vulnerable position, I was pretty sure they could trample us if they wanted to. I didn’t sleep for the rest of the night, even when the ponies finally devoured our food and left the campsite.      

The next morning, we assessed the carnage - our bags of food had been ripped to shreds. Sid packed up the tent. Before we left, we walked down to the beach. In the first light of morning running at the shoreline were several ponies, free and wild.      

After that horrendous experience, on the way home, we agreed not to camp with one another EVER AGAIN.  

ENTRY #9 - Linda Henderson

I think my worst day ever was when my husband came back into town and told me he was leaving me. He had went to Texas to work and we were supposed to join him in a couple of months. I didn't have a job, my car was brokedown and the landlord wanted to move back in his house ASAP. I thought, this isn't a problem, we're going to join him in Texas. Well anyway, he told me he'd met someone and gave me $150.00 and left. I had two kids, one of which was his, the other from a previous marriage, and no job, no running car and three days to get out of the house we were in. I think that was one of the worst days of my life.

ENTRY #10 - Angela Ackerman

My worst day...the time I flooded my holidaying neighbor's backyard by accident by leaving the watering hose all night? The time I noticed my neighbor left her garage door open after she left in the car and I closed it, locking her out of her house (and then I had to help her break in?) Or, the time I found a cat that looked like my neighbor's cat, brought it over to her house only to find out it wasn't, and it ran inside, bunkered down in her bathroom sink and transformed into a fiery, hissing hell cat that refused to be removed?

13 comments:

Clarissa Draper said...

I've read some but I'm going to come back and read the rest before I vote. Have a happy week!

CD

Baine said...

I vote for Entry #7

SiNn said...

I vote for entry # 7

Mysticsun_us said...

I vote for #7

Angela Ackerman said...

Since I'm on here I won't vote...but great entries everyone. :)

Angela @ The Bookshelf Muse

Linda Henderson said...

I vote for #9.

Bish Denham said...

I'm here too so I won't vote. Some of these are a real hoot!

Jolene Perry said...

Those were SO FUN!
Thanks Vicki! I don't think I'm allowed to vote cause I'm IN IT!
But they were a lot of fun to read!

Alaena said...

I love #4! :D

Joanna St. James said...

I vote for #9 but #2 is a close 2nd

Jen Daiker said...

I can't believe this, the two I ADORED didn't even make it in yet...

#5 & #3 were my favorites!!!

This was hilarious Vicki! Darn, I always miss the good days! I really need to have a talk with blogger.

Jen Daiker said...

I so should have known one I would like would have been Candyland! She never lets me down with all her awesome!

notesfromnadir said...

These are all so different & fun! I vote for #9.