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Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Logline Blogfest - Edited

Thanks for all the comments! Appreciate each and every one of them.  I took another crack at the logline to get it down to two sentences.  

To clarify for those of you who are wondering:  Murphy's family subcontracts work from God.  Specifically, they receive the prayers of the inebriated and about to heave (thus the porcelain reference).  Murphy is bored with the work which leads to him getting into trouble.

The original from yesterday: 

Life of a porcelain god ain't all it's cracked up to be.  Bored out of his ever-lovin'-17-centuries-old-mind, Murphy consistently pushes the boundaries and his luck.  Fed up, his mama sends him to Earth for a crash course in human sensitivity training.  In order to return and have his powers unbound, Murphy must learn to appreciate the mortals he's been dissin' for centuries.

The newly whittled version:

The life of a porcelain god ain't all it's cracked up to be.  After pushing his luck once too often, Murphy comes to in the mortal world -- powerless -- and if he wants to have a prayer of getting back home, he'll have to befriend the very humans he's been dissin' for centuries.

--- OR ---

After pushing his luck once too often, porcelain-god-in-training, Murphy, suddenly finds himself in the mortal world, stripped of his powers.  To have a prayer of going home again, he must befriend the humans he's been dissin' for centuries.

--- OR ---

Stina's version (she's brilliant...I like this more than my two above)

Bored out of his ever-lovin'-17-centuries-old-mind, demigod Murphy consistently pushes the boundaries and his luck until his mama sends him to Earth for a crash course in human sensitivity training.  In order to return and have his powers unbound, Murphy must learn to appreciate the mortals he's been dissin' for centuries.

If you are looking for the Worst Day Ever Contest Entries, click HERE.


annaliterally said...

Okay, I took a crack at it.

A condescending god-in-training is stripped of all powers and sentenced to Earth to learn the value of humanity. If he fails, he'll remain human forever.


Stripped of all powers and sentenced to live on Earth, a condescending god-in-training must learn the value of humanity or remain human forever.

Laurel said...

Those ones above are really good--the second especially is pithy and smooth. I was about to say that loglines should be less about voice. The samples in your post are fantastic for querying, but a logline is more like a sentence header you'd put at the top of your synopsis, or use to lead off a live pitch. Slightly different animal.

And for my money, I'd go with Stina's version. The 'porcelain god' just makes me think toilet ("bowing to the porcelain god" being the cliche for post-drinking-binge sickness).

Shellie said...

I'm torn between number three and four. Three conveys the essence well and is shorter, but lost a little of the wit. Four is a bit longer but it too has the essence of the original log line and a bit of the wit. Did that make sense?

Creepy Query Girl said...

Oh I really loved this premise and the excertp we read a few months back! I think I would try and recompose the first line to embody the facts that he's a demigod- and what a procelain god is- and that he has a distain for humans. Like:

'As the son of the porcelain Gods, seventeen-century-year-old Murhpy swears if he has to respond to one more upchucking college kid praying between heaves, he's going to go AWOL. But after pushing the limits too far- his wish is half granted when his mother strips him of his powers and forces him to live amongst the mortals until he acquires a new appreciation for the very cases he once dispised.'

roxy said...

I really liked each of the versions above, but the last summed them all up nicely. Sounds like an awesome premise.

Rose Cooper said...

They all sound great! But two was my favorite, but after reading Stina's version I think I like that one the best.

Elana Johnson said...

I like #2 and Stina's. Either way, the story sounds like something I'd like to read.

Ed Pilolla said...

i love the premise for your book. sounds fun and insightful. what a great post. i'm into it.

ending the logline with a verb like appreciates seems weak, respectfully. basically, the last line is the conflict of your story, the main thing that provides tension throughout. it might be less compelling for a character to learn to appreciate something rather than learning to love something.

for the last line, how about: he has to learn to love someone of the very sort he has despised for centuries if he has any chance of ever going home.

i wonder: does he go home when he gets the chance, or does he stay on earth with person he fell in love with? i don't know much about your story other than from this post, so sorry for dive-bombing in. couldn't resist. really like the premise a lot.

Jackee said...

You're a genius with the voice, Vicki! So half the battle is won. I love what Steena has helped you with, but I'd suggest switching back to god-in-training because it ads intrigue and I always thought demigod meant half-god. Just leave the confusing porcelain part out for now.

Great job! I'd certainly read it. :o)

Best of luck, my friend!!!

RaShelle said...

Hi Vicki. I like #2 the best. Maybe change porcelain to demi-God. That would be my only suggestion. Otherwise, I love that one. =D

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

I like two and four the best...They both show personality...

Janet Johnson said...

I liked # 2 best, too. What a funny idea! I love it. And it so fits you. :) Good luck!

salarsenッ said...

I love the premise and #4 does have a lot of snark. I think two is really good as well, though.

Margay said...

I like version three myself. But I think I must have the wrong idea about what constitutes a logline - I thought it was just one line, but I noticed that a lot of the entrants used more than one line. Correct me if I'm wrong because, believe me, describing my story in two or three lines would be so much easier than just one!

roh morgon said...

I vote for #2 - love the reference to porcelain god, and I like its ending the best (including the 'very').

Sounds like a cool story!

Kate said...

I really liked all of the loglines, but in particular the last one. For me, porcelain god means the toilet bowl (as in I drank so much I was praying to the porcelain god all night) but I'm old, so maybe that saying isn't used anymore. :)

I'd definitely read this book based on the logline!

Najela said...

Maybe if you can incorporate the porcelain god into the fourth one and cut back just a tad on the slang, it would be even stronger. I like the last one the most though it has the most voice. I think this would be such a great story to read.

Sandra said...

Congratulations! Glad 'hurtle' got into your log line :-)