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Friday, October 8, 2010

Crackpot Confessional - The Case For Constipation

MAJOR DISCLAIMER:  This is not about me.  (And even if it was, I'd never admit to it so publicly, so don't even think about going there.)  This post was actually inspired by a conversation I overheard recently.  I just like writing in first person it seems.

Oh, and please note the lack of pictures. I'm not completely devoid of decorum, you know.


I don't want to be gross or anything but I can't for the life of me figure out why constipation gets such a bad rap.  

There I said it.  About time someone did.

Have you ever looked at the shelves in the drugstore?  There are dozens of products designed to make you go.  Laxatives, suppositories, fiber supplements, even enemas.  Our society is obsessed with its bowel movements.  

A little crazy if you ask me.

I don't go every day, and I'm okay with that.

Why? I'm in control. I'm not passing gas every 5 minutes and I don't find myself dashing off to the bathroom 'just in case' it's more than air escaping.  

Don't go looking all innocent, you know exactly what I'm talking about.  That "oops" moment that you wish you could take back.

Irregularity means I have no emergency pit stops.  I can 'hold it' for a more convenient time and place.

The other advantage of being constipated is that I only go once a day--or once every couple days. And when I'm done, I know I won't have to bother with it again for a few days.

In contrast, when I am "regular", I have mini bowel movements every time I sit down.  I feel like a friggin newborn, going five or six times a day! 

But the biggest advantage of constipation, of course, is the reduced mess.  I go, I wipe, I'm done.  

The alternative?  

I go.  
I wipe.  
I wipe. 
I wipe.  
I wipe. 
I wipe.  
I wipe.  
Maybe one more time for good measure. Then I'm done.   

Which brings me to another confession. Yes, I look at the tissue.  Why does everyone act like that's disgusting or unusual?  If you don't glance at the paper, how the heck are you gonna know when you can stop wiping?
The worst part is, after I've used half a roll of toilet paper to ensure my hygienic standards are maintained, the next time I go to the bathroom, THERE ARE TRACKS IN MY UNDERWEAR!  

How does this happen?  It's not like I quit wiping before the job is done, I'm clean before I ever flush so where do those infuriating streaks come from?   

To make matters worse, I gotta go again.   So I use the rest of the toilet paper to make doubly sure I'm clean this time around.  My bum is getting sore from all that rubbing.  The quality of toilet paper plays a huge role here.  Do your booty a favor--buy the Charmin.

Sometimes - and if you tell anyone this I'll deny it and see to it that those humiliating pictures of you get plastered all over Facebook - sometimes, I tuck a sheet of tissue between my cheeks.  You know, to protect my underwear, just in case.

Someone please tell me why on earth I should strive for regularity?  Give me one good reason.  Go on, I dare you.

For the record the part of conversation I overheard that inspired all this was the bit about wiping repeatedly, then tucking tissue to protect the underwear...the rest I took creative license with.

So, does she win her case?

On a side note, I've not been able to get around to your blogs much the last few weeks. Things have been swamped and there's no relief in sight.  We're having a party tomorrow night (the first in a loooooong time) and my daughter is visiting through the weekend so it'll be almost another week before things let up any.  I'll catch up soon, I promise!


N. R. Williams said...

Enjoy the party and your daughters visit.

I thought the story good, even if it were a bit strange. You did ask a question, does she win her argument? NO. You can die if you're clogged too long.
N. R. Williams, fantasy author

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

Great story...We all know what to send you for Christmas (squeeze)...Oh wait, I meant squeeze like Mr. Charmin used to squeeze the Charmin in the commercials...

Have a great weekend with your daughter. :-)

aspiring_x said...

have a GREAT party and visit!!!! :)

crack (me up ) pot confessional was hilarious today!
i have one son who, just after he was going to the potty independently, we discovered was not bothering to wipe AT ALL!!! funny thing is- we discovered it only because he wasn't bothering to flush either. his underoos and bottom were always clean even though he never wiped. how is it even possible to clean poop like that???

Creepy Query Girl said...

lol- What's great about this is that everyone poops but nobody talks about it. Why is that? Too funny!

Shannon said...

lol, Vickie, you crack me up! :) Priceless conversation. And yeah, she wins her case, haha.

I thought you'd appreciate this:

Carolyn V. said...

LOL! Ew, you mean everybody has that wiping problem? j/k

I hope the party goes well! Have a great weekend Vicki!

Bish Denham said...

As someone who has twice in her life been unable to fart (due to surgeries) I love being able to. Besides, Ben Franklin said, "Fart proudly." So I do.

As for constipation...I've never had a problem with it, thank goodness.

LTM said...

omg, Vicki. BAH!!! :D NOT what I was expecting... mbrr... I don't know if she wins. I mean, hell. Who wants to argue this??? ;p

Clarissa Draper said...

ha ha ha ha ha - this is so funny but so true. I love it! Thanks for sharing...?


Stina Lindenblatt said...

You crack me up everytime, Vicki!

Thanks to Blogger, I didn't get my regular does of you this morning. Hopefully they deal with the problem soon.

Jolene Perry said...

Well your promise of some good bathroom humor didn't disappoint!

Lou Belcher said...

I'm loving your writing style.... thanks for a morning chuckle...