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Friday, August 13, 2010

Crackpot Confessional - Public Urination

I like to start each of these confessions with the reminder this is FICTIONAL. I am not quite the deviant I'm pretending to be for the sake of art or argument.

That said, this week I can't claim 100% innocence. It's been a long time, but I can't honestly say I've never done my business outside. So while I will hereby confess to having committed this 'sin', I must emphasize that this confession is NOT based on any personal experience, per se.  Got it?

We were in the middle of nowhere.  Literally.  My best friend had talked me into coming to this keggar out at some guy's farm, and now we were wandering through the woods that backed up to one of the corn fields.  It was darker than dark.  I had my cell phone out, but it only cast enough light to keep us from tripping over rocks.

Don't ask why we were roaming lost through the woods in the middle of the night.  Let's just say my friend was in pursuit of a guy that we never found because obviously we suck at navigating dark tree infested areas.

The night was getting chilly, random branches were scratching at my bare legs and feet (I had flip flops on.  I didn't know I was going to be traipsing through the underbrush!).  I was cursing my friend and really starting to regret having refilled my beer cup before heading into the woods.  My bladder pulsed painfully.  We needed to get back to the party soon or I was going to have a problem.

I grabbed Stacey's arm to stop her. "This is useless" I told her.  "We can't see anything.  Let's see if we can hear them  and just keep moving in the direction of the noise."  

Good plan, right? 

Not so much, as it turns out. It seemed the noise, faint though it was, drifted through the thickest bushes.  We struggled onward.  I was sure we were going to look like we survived some kind of slasher attack by the time we got back.

Twenty minutes later, we were definitely closer.  We could almost identify voices.  I really really had to go at this point.  My bladder was throbbing in protest.  Once again, I stopped Stacey.  "I gotta go." I said.  "Wait here.  I'll just go over this way a little and then I'll be right back."

I stumbled off twenty or so feet off to the side, far enough that Stacey wouldn't be able to hear me going, or so I hoped. I had never done this before, and it was only out of desperation that I was doing it now.  I was grateful to be wearing a dress.  Might not have been the best choice for exploring the wilds at midnight, but it sure came in handy now.  I hitched the skirt up around my waist, holding it in place iwth one hand while I used the pale glow of my phone to keep myself from watering my feet.

Having never done this before, I misjudged the trajectory and soaked my underwear.  Swearing under my breath, I finished what I'd started -- there was no stopping it at this point anyway.  Just as I was kicking off my ruined underwear -- no way was I putting those things back on -- I was blinded by light.  My dress was still bunched up around my waist and it took a full thirty seconds of me blinking into the light before I realized I was flashing my rescuer.   


I dropped my skirt and held it down for good measure.  Turns out we were closer to the edge of the woods than we'd realized and Greg (descended from the Greek Gods themselves) had seen the glow of my cell phone and came to investigate.  

He saw everything.  Just kill me now.  

No seriously, seems I crouched right into a patch of poison ivy and death is preferable to this insane itching.


Have a heart and say you forgive the girl for going in the woods, hasn't she suffered enough humiliation from the deed without adding your condemnation to the mix?


Nicole MacDonald said...

*hee* oh this could be so many people i know here in NZ ;p

aspiring_x said...

LOL! poor thing! number one is defendable. now if it had been number twoo, and she didn't have a shovel...

Candyland said...

Haven't we all peed in public? (Or is it just me...)

Susan Fields said...

I wasn't expecting that ending - funny! And the poison ivy - yikes!

Matthew Rush said...

Oh my that was funny! How embarrassing. Good stuff, even if it is "fiction". Just kidding.

Thanks for sharing Vicki!

Today's guest blogger is Ted Cross!

Theresa Milstein said...

"He saw everything. Just kill me now." Too funny! That would be my reaction too!

And the end - poor girl.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

ROFL! Love the voice, btw. (yes, I've got voice on my brain!)

Lenny said...

hi miss vicki! that was sooo funny. but not that poison ivy stuff. yikes! youre a really good story teller. i peed outside before. i think its lots more easy for us guys then for girls.
...hugs from lenny

Talli Roland said...

Dear me! I must say I detest peeing in public. Not that I do it all the time, of course... ha! But when you're camping and stuff, sometimes it's a necessity. That is why I hate camping.

Jaydee Morgan said...

Been there, done that - minus the poison ivy and spotlight show of course.

Rose Cooper said...

Oh my! LOL Just your title alone had me laughing, I should've known the rest of your post would live up to the humorous title. Sigh. What we girls wouldn't give to have some sort of "aim" in a time of crisis.

Julie Musil said...

HA! Awesome. I have done this deed outside (minus the poison ivy). It's no picnic.

Carolyn V. said...

LOL! I'm so glad that was fictional. Whew!