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Thursday, July 15, 2010

How to Kill A Spider - or Other Creepy Crawlies

It's no secret that I hate creepy crawlies.  You wanna see me wig out?  Put a bug within eye-shot. Dictator that I am, I have declared my home a Bug Free Zone.  Unfortunately, some of the critters haven't gotten the memo.  On occasion, they even have the gall to enter the same room I'm in.  And if I spot them, they must die.

Sorry to put it so bluntly, folks.  You are more than welcome to come over and catch the little beasties and toss them outside.

Not me.  If I let them live, they might try to get back in.  And we can't have that.  Oh no we cannot.

So, for you like-minded murderers out there, I present to you my should-be-patented bug killing methodology.  Ready?

1.  First and foremost, verify that subject is indeed an unwanted, uninvited, multi-legged critter.  This may seem like a "no duh" moment, but you'd be surprised how many times I've mistaken a shadow or a fuzzball for a bug.  Remember the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf?  You don't wanna be the Girl Who Screeched Spider.  If it is indeed a bug, proceed to step 2.

2.  Okay, so you have spotted a bug.  Is it alive?  Men are highly amused when you ask them to kill something that's already dead. They will mock you.  You don't need to be mocked.  YOU are the victim here.  This is breaking and entering.  This is stalking.  This is harassment.  It doesn't matter that you are 10,000 times bigger.  This is YOUR home, you're allowed to decide who (and what) can visit.

My favored method of confirming life, is first to observe.  Does it move?  If still unsure, I will blow gently in it's direction.  This usually makes them move...IF they're alive.  Be careful, though!  Sometimes this will make them run off into some nook or cranny where you can't get at them.

If it is a bug, and LIVING, go to step 3.

3.  SCREAM. That's right, if there is someone else in the vicinity, who might reasonably be expected to come to your rescue, open your mouth and scream loud enough for them to come running.  Make sure you get the pitch shrill enough to be irritating and panicked enough to be worrisome to anyone within earshot.

EXCEPTION:  If the bug is ON you when you notice it, skip steps 1 and 2 and start with the screaming immediately.

4.  WAIT.  This is the hard part.  Do NOT take your eye off the invader.  You must be able to point to him the minute the cavalry arrives.

     4A.  If help arrives, look terrified (easy).  And when they dispose of the unwanted guest, be sure to show your enthusiastic appreciation. You cannot overdo the appreciation part...they'll be more likely to come to your rescue next time if you thank them appropriately this time. Proceed to #10.

5.  There's a chance that no one is around to help, or that they just aren't going to come help.  In that case you're going to have to deal with this yourself.  Sigh loudly (just in case someone is slow responding to #3).

6.  I don't squish unless absolutely necessary.  My first option is to find a jar or box or something I can trap the monster in.  Then I plop them into the toilet and flush them away. 

7.  Second murdering method is to spray him with something.  I do have a can of Raid, but I don't carry it around in a holster or anything.  (yet).  Fortunately, there are MANY household substances that are toxic to creepies.  Perfume is GREAT.  So is Windex, Formula 409, hair spray, most air fresheners.  You name it, I've used it.

8. If trapping and poisoning don't work, I'm afraid it's time to get physical.  Squishing is not desirable because sometimes their innards will stain your wall/carpet/whatever.  And who wants to be reminded about the grisly murder they've committed?

When selecting the murder weapon, (shoe, book, etc.) always select an object that belongs to someone ELSE.  You don't want blood and guts on the bottom of YOUR cute pumps, do you?  I recommend using your husband's/boyfriend's shoe.  Serves them right for not being there when you needed them, right?

9.  That brings us to disposal.  All assassins know you MUST dispose of the carcass.  Still, you don't wanna TOUCH it, so I find if you don't have a piece of paper or cardboard to scoop up the remains, then a squirt of hairspray on a wadded up tissue (use plenty!  you don't want to feel him through the layers) will make him 'stick' so you can flush him know just in case you didn't REALLY kill him all the way dead.

10.  Breathe a sign of relief.  But just to be sure, look in your sheets before crawling in. Shake out shoes and towels and anything else that sits unattended for more than a few minutes and is put in close proximity to your personage.

There you go!  Sheer brilliance, eh?


Lenny said...

ha ha ha. this is soooo funny. my sister is lots like you when it comes to bugs. mostlyshe does squishing and us guys gotta do the clean up. ugh!shes a loud screamer too and lots more loud when its a roach. mostly us guys just pick bugs up and put them outside. i like spiders cause they tickle when they crawl on you and you can carry them outside real easy. you gotta be careful you dont get a poison spider. we trap those in a jar and put them outside. for bug haters who yah gonna call? BUGBUSTERS! ha ha.
...smiles from lenny

Mason Canyon said...

Oh I love your methodology. I don't mind bug so much but you let me see a mice/rat and the people three houses down will probably know it from my scream. I'm not sure why they upset me so but they do. My methodology for that 1. See the creature; 2. SCREAM; 3. Someone comes kills creature; 4. I remember to breath. LOL

Thoughts in Progress

Jen said...

I want to say I'm sorry but the minute I saw spiders I couldn't read anymore... they give me such the heebie jeebies, seriously. I have a huge phobia. It's a problem. So I've stopped by to say Hello (and don't hate me for not being able to read this post) :)

Matthew Rush said...

You are so funny. I rarely have to kill bugs with 3 cats and a dog to chase and eat them all.

It does happen occasionally though.

Carolina Valdez Miller said...

OMG, that's hilarious. I HATES little critters. But I have one very basic method of disposing of them: Scream and wait for hubs to dispose of the critter. It's sort of his job around here. Ha.

Culture Served Raw said...

Hahaha! Great post. But I am one to pick them up with a tissue and release them back into the wild. I will consider this next time though, quite brilliant indeed :P

Justine Dell said...

Bug killer!!!!!! This is funny. And so much like my sister.

Me? I don't kill bugs. I trap them (calmly) and take them outdoors. They have feelings, too, don't they? ;-)


Dawn said...

Sadly, I already have the reputation of the Girl Who Screeched Spider :-( I'm not a fan of bugs in general, but not a fan. Love your mad bug skillz.

Talli Roland said...

HA! Love this! I do the blowing thing, too. Usually works! If I can get the bug out of sight, then it's usually out of mind. I don't care if it's there as long as I can't see it.

Shannon O'Donnell said...

Ha ha ha ha ha! This.Is.Priceless!!! I love it! :-)

Sydnee said...

Outstanding. Although, I suggest you use the vacuum to dispose of the carcasses. No mess, no fuss, no shrieking in disgust when you accidentally touch a leg or feeler.

Carolyn V. said...

Oh!!! I hate scary bugs, especially when they are alive. I love Sydnee's idea of vacuuming it up. Then you won't accidentally touch it. Ew... =)

Tamara Hart Heiner said...

Thanks for commenting on my interview at Jen's blog!

This is hilarious! One of the first things I did when we moved in was hire a pest control service. No ants in my house! Now I have to figure out how to get rid of the musty smell!

Anonymous said...

Once I was walking around the side of my house at night where there are no lights, and I walked through the mother of all webs. It was so big I could "hear" it as I passed through.

My mind told me a web that big and that strong had to house the mother of all spiders. And it was probably somewhere on me. What to do? The only thing you can do. Arms and legs flailing I look like an imbacile as I try to wipe every part of my body clean of this humongous spider.

Stephen Tremp