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Friday, July 23, 2010

Crackpot Confessional

I thought it would be fun (because I have a warped sense of humor) to write a series of 'confessions' to socially unacceptable behavior in an attempt to win the reader's empathy, forgiveness, and/or understanding by the end.(But I'll settle for a laugh)

Just so you know I am presenting these in first person, but I am NOT admitting to anything!!!

If you have children, know people with children, have been in public places with children or used to be a child yourself, chances are you have dealt with the nose picking issue.  Let's take a stab at earning your forgiveness for this sin:


Years ago, there was an episode of St. Elsewhere where an old man was in the hospital complaining of nosebleeds.  One of the doctors asked him, "Do you pick your nose?"  And the old man replied, "Only enough to keep it respectable."  I was in love. Not with the old man, but his response.  I couldn't believe someone admitted to picking their nose on national TV.  Okay, so he was an actor reciting lines from a script, but STILL! 

Every kid learns long before school starts that you mustn't ever put fingers in your nose.  If you don't learn that before school, your classmates will brand you as a nose picker and your social standing is screwed for at least the next 5 years.  So when I was in junior high, I had a really bad cold.  It was near the end where the mucus (vibrant green) starts to thicken up  and makes it even harder to breathe.

I was in math class.  I desperately needed to blow my nose but there is no way I was going to blow it in front of 25 of society's harshest critics.  I'm not a dainty nose-blower like Julie. Everything that pint-sized homecoming-queen-in-training did (including sneezing) was adorable.  No, I'm more of a honker than a blower so there is no way I was going to let anyone hear me do that.  So I sat.  And sniffled.  A lot.

By the end of first period the mucus had thickened enough that it's no longer threatening to drip down my face.  Ahhh, relief.  It was short-lived though.  By the end of second period, the mucus had begun to harden and pulled on my nose hairs uncomfortably.  An hour after that, the blockage was growing.  I had an uncomfortable booger up there but I couldn't do anything about it.  If I'm not going to honk my schnoz in front of my class, I'm sure as heck not going to pick my nose in front of them. 

It was wrong.  It was gross.  It was just NOT an option.

It grew throughout the day.  First a booger, then a pebble.  By the end of the day I had a marble growing in my left nostril.  I kept casually rubbing at my nose - pretending it itched - just to make sure it wasn't actually protruding. The horror if it was visible!  I desperately wanted to remove the offensive thing, but what could I do?  There wasn't enough time between classes to get to the restroom, if you weren't the first one there you were going to wait in line.  I was never the first one there.

I fantasized about removal all afternoon.  But by the end of the day it was so large it was going to take serious excavation to get it out of there.  I could NOT do something so ewww at school with a thousand eyes watching me.  This thing was growing to epic proportions like a tumor and yet I could not take action.  

Imagine you are walking through the park and you find yourself with a tiny pebble in your shoe.  It's irritating, so you'll stop and shake it out, right?  Well imagine you couldn't get it out, but you still had miles left to walk.  Uncomfortable yet?  Well, now imagine that that tiny pebble is GROWING as you walk, so that with each mile, it becomes more and more noticeable, but you are forbidden from doing anything until you have reached your destination.  Feel it bruising the heel of your foot?  Feel yourself limping along to avoid putting any pressure on it?  Are you dying to take your shoes off?  Now you know where I'm coming from.  Only the offensive object  was lodged in my nose, not my shoe.


I got home finally! and locked myself in the restroom where I could be assured of some privacy.  It was touch and go, but I finally got the offensive boulder out of my nostril.  It was the largest thing I'd ever seen.  It looked a bit like a cratered green planet, in miniature.

But the relief!  Ahhhh, I could breathe unobstructed!  I tossed the green monster into the trash can where it hit the bottom with a loud ting.  From that day on, I could no longer stand ANY blockages in my nostrils.  It drives me stark raving mad...and forgive me, but it feels so good when they're gone and the airway is unrestricted.  So yes, I pick my nose.  Discreetly, and only enough to keep it respectable.


Laughing?  So, in this instance, do you forgive the picker her social faux pas?  Vote Yay or Nay below.  (Before you vote, bear in mind I was thoughtful enough to refrain from adding any pictures!)

What socially unacceptable behavior would you like to see tackled in next Crackpot Confessional?


Jaydee Morgan said...

*laughs* are too funny. I'll give you a big yay - especially because you didn't include pictures! I'm not sure I should read stuff like this before bedtime..the dreams I may have ;)

Jolene said...


Also, just wanted to add this:
My daughter was born with a couple of short fingers. One happens to be the finger you'd pick your nose with (pointer finger). Now, this is convenient for her because she had no fingernail but it looks hysterical because it looks like HALF HER FINGER IS UP HER NOSE.
And I will admit now to having about a dozen pictures of her as a toddler with what looks like half a finger in her nostril.

Carolina Valdez Miller said...

OMG. Hahahahaha! And also, EWWWWWWWWW....

You crack me up. Thanks for not posting photos.

Stephanie Thornton said...

I'm with Carolina on this one- I'm glad there were no photos! Thanks for the laugh!

Nicole MacDonald said...

EWWWWWW but i love it - I'm a honker! Made my manager laugh soo hard one time I had a cold ;p

Jen said...

I don't even know what to do with you... I mean I knew this was coming but the depth that you put into this story was incredible, you could have written an entire short story on it. Having it being so disgusting and yet I still read the ENTIRE thing... good lord... thank god you got rid of that green monster!

Thank you for not posting photos, LOL.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

Too funny! I missed your humor while I was in the editing cave. :D

Matthew Rush said...

"If you used to be a child yourself ..."

Ha! That's classic.

Matthew Rush said...

You're too funny. What a zany story.

Alexandra Shostak said...

Huge LOL! I always run to the bathroom to blow my nose :-P

And I have a really weird sneeze. When I sneeze, it sounds like I coughed, so people ask me if I'm ok or if I need some water. Then they eventually figure out that I sneezed, and the next time I cough, they say "bless you!" :-P

Lydia Kang said...

I remember reading about how Sylvia Plath loved picking her nose. I thought it hilarious that even brilliant poets and writers were still just plain human.

Wendy Ramer said...

Oh, Vicki. You are such a chicken. You committed NO social faux pas b/c you did it in private! Truth is...everyone picks their nose in private, whether they admit it or not. And locking yourself in the bathroom made it completely private. Anyone who would rebut me and deny picking in private is either lying or blessed with remarkably whistle-clean nasal passages and zero allergy issues!

aspiring_x said...

lol. that was great! i was the same way in school, embarrassed to blow my nose in front of everyone; and equally embarassed to ask to use the restroom... maybe it's a victoria thing...

Lindsay (a.k.a Isabella) said...

Hahaha. Also ewww too. :)

Mary McDonald said...

Lmao! This is the second hilarious post I've read today. (there's one about hair removal that nearly made me choke.)

If you want, next time you have a booger emergency, I could haul out a size 14 suction catheter and just roto-root your nose. ;-)I don't gross out too easily since sucking snot out of people is my job.

Susan Fields said...

Thank you for not posting photos! Did you ever see that Seinfeld episode... :)

Heidi Willis said...

So funny! I loved this!

I actually had a time in college when I was put on experimental drugs for something, and one of the instant side effects was terrible nose bleeds. When I went in to tell the doctor, he asked me if I picked my nose!! Apparently this is the cause of many problem nose bleeds.

I just stopped the drugs and the nose bleeds stopped, but it was all pretty gross!

Angela said...

Great post. And I'd give it a Yay. That was hilarious.