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Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Astrology of Underwear

WARNING:
PLEASE DON'T EAT OR DRINK BEYOND THIS SENTENCE.

You have been warned.


I go through phases with my underwear.  I understand this may be more information than you need (or want) to hear.  

I don't really follow astrology (bear with me), but as a Libra the one thing I've read about my 'kind' is that we love balance and have a helluva time making decisions.  Both true on my part.  And since I was like this long before I ever heard I was *supposed* to be like this, I know it wasn't a self-fulfilling prophecy thing.

So, you're wondering what the hell does this astrology lesson have to do with my underwear?

That whole balance thing...plays itself out in my underwear.

WHOA.  
Okay, I need to back up and clarify. And QUICK.

Sometimes I buy practical underwear.  You know, plain, cotton, white.  It's comfortable.  It's wearable with white pants.  It's useful.

But sometimes I buy the pretty ones.  The colorful, the silky, the lacy, and/or the barely there ones.  They may not be very comfortable but they make up for it because they're so pretty.

(again, probably more information than you need or want).

The two are diametrically opposed and therefore BALANCE each other out. (see?  astrology at work)

Well...

As luck would have it I recently purchased panties of the practical variety.  Plain white cotton.  Highly functional if not attractive.

But I hate them.  HATE them I say!

Two pairs in from a seven pair pack and I can't stand 'em.

Why?  (don't worry, there's no more astrology and no pictures)

Because they give granny panties a bad name.  These suckers are HUGE!  If I pulled them up to where they would naturally fall, I'd have a good three or four inches ABOVE the waistband of my pants/shorts/skirts. 

And no, I don't own any low-waisted pants.  (Bad look on me, just sayin')

(okay, so I lied about no pictures.  This doesn't count though because clearly they are not white so they are not mine). 

So all my pants/shorts/skirts have normal waistbands and yet the new underwear extends way above.  Screaming "I want a wedgie!!"

THERE'S a bad image for you, friends.  A nearly 40 year old woman getting a manual wedgie.  You know, the junior-high school variety not the natural shift and slide kind.

Oh dear God, PLEASE don't let me get a wedgie in these (of ANY kind).  

Do you know how much excess material there is to WEDGE? ACK!

To cope, I kinda push down the waistband of the underwear so it will NOT peek outside the pants, but then there's this giant  wrinkly roll around my midsection.

Trust me when I say I don't need any extra wrinkles or rolls around my middle.

The sensible thing for me to do would be to toss them and start over, right?

But I can't.  I paid for them, and am now morally obligated to WEAR the damn things.

Besides, I tossed my other ones out.

UGH!

Choose your underwear wisely, my friends.  

I'm thinking maybe I should have consulted an astrologer first?

22 comments:

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

Hey! I have a Khol's coupon. Do you want me to send it to you? They have all kinds of panties there. I'm sure you can find some inbetween thong and granny panites...

That being said, you've got to be comfortable...go get some new ones!

Lenny said...

hi miss vicki! you got me laughing at that big pants picture and about the wedgie. ha ha. mostly us guys dont wory about our undies. guess were more lucky than you. :) maybe you should just donate them cause theres someone out there with a strange shape that could use them. guess what? im a libra too!
...hugs from lenny

Mason Canyon said...

I wonder sometimes who or what they use as models to determine the size and style of the underwear. Sounds like a shopping trip in is order. You don't have the throw these, but put them in the very, very bottom of a drawer way in back so if your every run out you'll have an emergency pair. LOL

Mason
Thoughts in Progress

Theresa Milstein said...

I implore you, get rid of the granny panties!

I've found hipsters to be the most flattering and comfortable. They cover my not-quite-flat stomach, stay put, and cover my cheeks. If I get them a size up, they still fit fine because of the spandex but they provide more coverage.

Jen said...

I'm seriously glad you warned me no food or drink. I wasn't planning on following the rule until I saw the first sentence, then I knew you meant business!!!

Those are my back-ups, the one's that are stuffed in the back of my drawer for emergencies, you never know when you might have wished you were swimming in undies... just sayin'

Janet Johnson said...

Ughh! I did that once . . . never again. Good luck with that moral obligation! (I didn't make it).

Candyland said...

OMG! HAHA!!! You're hilarious! And brave for posting:)

But I HATE the whities too. Something about them that screams BORING!!!PLAIN!!!OLD!!!YUCK!!!

DL Hammons said...

ROTFLMAO!!!!!! What a hoot!! :)

Karen Walker said...

Cracked me up, Vicki. You are hysterical.
Karen

Zoe C. Courtman said...

HAHAHHAAAAA! Vicki, you kill me. "choose your underwear wisely." That and "Do you know how much excess material there is to WEDGE?" *snarfs coffee* Sigh. I love your blog. :D

Rose Cooper said...

OMG. I spit coffee through my nose.

Tahereh said...

I AM LAUGHING FAR TOO HARD TO COMMENT RIGHT NOW.

Talli Roland said...

Hehehe! Granny pants worked for Bridget Jones, you know! Make it work for you!

Jolene said...

All posts filled with hilarity should come with warnings, thank you.
Good luck with your pants problem.

L. Diane Wolfe said...

LOL!
I've been a 'thongs' girl for years now.

Carolyn V. said...

LOL!!! Okay, that is just awesome. Good luck with your undies. =)

KarenG said...

You are so funny! I say cut them up and use them for rags, and go find something you like!

Kimberly Franklin said...

LMAO! Oh my, Vicki you are funny! Best advice ever: choose your underwear wisely. :)

Wendy Ramer said...

You'd better hope I never meet you, 'cuz that sounded like a wedgie challenge to me!

Stephen Tremp said...

I've never had a wedgie or seen anyone get one outside of the movies. But if anyone ever gave me one I'd have to retaliate with a baseball bat. Note to Wedgie Meister: Its not worth it.

Stephen Tremp

Olivia J. Herrell said...

LOL! Great post Vicki. I agree with Karen G. Cut up the used ones for rags and donate the rest to the homeless shelter. Then go buy some cotton hipsters, they're comfy AND won't beg "Wedgie me!". Pleeeeaaaase?? If not for you then for US, lol.

~that rebel

trash talk said...

Thanks for dropping in and for your comment.
Girl, the only thing worse than buying too big is buying too small. Why can't the makers of under-britches get together and make sizing charts that actually fit.
While you're busy rolling yours, I'll be busy trying not to pass out from my boa constrictors that come 3 to a pack.
Deb