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Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Why Dogs are Better

On Monday, I mentioned my sub-par speaking performance when I was put on the spot at a company meeting.  That's probably my low point as far as public speaking goes. Here is a talk I gave for a speech class (around the same time, ironically), this would be one of my high points--must keep the blog balanced!  Enjoy!

(oh yeah, I should probably warn you not to eat or drink during the following rant...)

Did you know that in 2006, there were 73 MILLION dogs in the United States? Every year millions of dogs are sent to animal shelters and subsequently killed because shelters don't have enough space to care for them all.

What is one of the biggest reasons a family disposes of their prized pooch? The birth of a baby, and the uncertainty of how the dog will react. I think this behavior is atrocious and I propose we STOP having babies and START adopting dogs. 

While this might sound outrageous at first, think about it: Dogs cost less to raise, are more user-friendly, and a whole lot less temperamental than children. After much deliberation, I've compiled the top ten reasons why dogs are better than kids:

  1. Dogs make better body guards than children.
Are you kidding me? My kids hide behind me when they run into their classmates at the store! If they're too timid to say hello to a friend, I'm pretty sure they're not going to be much help with burglars. Though their whining can get pretty shrill at times, I think a dog has the advantage here since burglars are more afraid of a dog bite than they are a toddler bite.

  1. You can teach a dog tricks…and they're easier to house-train
Now, I'm not asking that my children learn to balance a cookie on the end of their nose, toss it in the air( at my signal and not a moment before) and swallow it whole. No. But it WOULD be nice if they would oh, I don't know, throw their dirty clothes (and ONLY their dirty clothes) down the laundry chute. Or maybe make their beds without my having to threaten their life and/or freedom. A dog can be house-trained when it's just a few months old, not so with kids…we're talking YEARS!

(I should also point out that dogs create considerably less laundry than children do.)

  1. Dogs are always happy to see you, aren't embarrassed to be seen WITH you…they even come when you call.
What I wouldn't give to have my children perform this one. They are occasionally happy to see me, but more often they're embarrassed to be seen WITH me. I'm not allowed to touch my oldest when we're out in public. Someone might SEE us.  God forbid anyone find out her mother loves her.  Shhhhh.  It's a secret. Seriously.

  1. People expect dogs to smell.
Do I really need to explain this one? People think babies smell 'sooooo good" HA! Have I got news for you. Kids are odor-creating factories from birth! They poop, they pee, they throw up all over you. They hide food under their beds (not to mention in their diapers, hair, and between their toes) that not only attracts multi-legged critters to the buffet, but creates mysterious odors that you can't locate (or identify!) for weeks on end. 

Dogs? They smell like dogs.  Is that so bad?

  1. Your dog has better hearing. Dogs can hear you approaching from miles away. They will be waiting at the door, tail a-wagging to greet you (see #3 above). Your dog can hear you rustling the bag of dog food or reaching in for a dog biscuit and will come running. Your children, on the other hand, will go into hiding when you come home, just in case you want them to carry something. Your child could be right next to you, even looking you in the eye and will claim they didn't hear you ask them to take out the trash/set the table/clean their room.

  1. Your dog knows when to stop begging. 

    The dog stops begging when you tell it to go lie down, or when the sandwich is gone. Not so easy to get your kids to quit begging. I'm still looking for a sure-fire way to solve this one.

  1. Dogs won't pester you to get a kid.
Dogs can be quite protective of the kids, and get very attached, but they're just as happy without a toddler teetering behind them trying to grab their tail. My kids, on the other hand, have been begging for a dog since they were old enough to talk, and think that their existence is meaningless without one.

  1. Dogs won't complain about what's for dinner, and you can let your dog eat off the floor
Dogs don't care what you feed them, as long as you remember to do it. Heck, even if you forget a meal, they'll still love you. 

My kids? Unless we're having hot dogs, macaroni and cheese or pizza, ONE of them is telling me its inedible. And then there are those weird food rules. One has to have her sandwiches cut diagonally, another can't have food touch any other food on his plate, and when one says she wants "butter bread" that actually means peanut butter toast while "butter bread" means soft bread with butter on it….sheesh, can't you tell the difference?

  1. You can leave your dog home alone, tied to a leash, or in a cage and no one will report you to Human Services.
Not that I know this to be a fact, I've never actually tried to put my children in a cage. We did have a leash—er, safety harness—for my daughter on vacation once. I'm going to look into that cage, though. I could keep it under my deck…..

And the number one reason dogs are better than kids……

  1. If your dog gets pregnant, you can sell the children!
Just try to do THAT with your 16 year old!


The Alliterative Allomorph said...

hahaha! Awesome. I'm a dog person too! :o) You'll see a lovely pic of her on Alesa's blog today. Thie problem is though, you may 'need' to sell their children, but you don't 'want' to because they're SOOO cute! :o(

Jennifer Shirk said...

Love it! LOL! And dogs don't talk back!

Mason Canyon said...

Now I understand the warning about having food or drink. LOL Love it.

Thoughts in Progress

Jen said...

LOL #10 was hilarious!!! I'm a cat person, I love that they are lazy, inconsiderate and only loveable when they want to be. I like to have my alone time just like they do. I don't like having a dog all up in my grill!

Great list though!

Jaydee Morgan said...

These are great reasons - and trust me, a dog will never ask to borrow your car either ;)

Megalicious said...

I love it!!!!!! I don't want kids and people always bother me about it. I tell them once I finally have a house of my own it will be filled with children... of the canine variety! =_

Theresa Milstein said...

Very thorough post about dogs.

I've never been a dog person because I got traumatized (and bitten) when I was a child. I know I'd be miserable with a dog, so I tell my kids they have to wait until they're grownups.

We have a lovely cat. I think I could make a pretty convincing list about cats.

Lenny said...

hi miss vicki! this was sooooo funny and got me laughing. i showed it to a couple of my brothers and they laughed lots too. dogs are neat. we dont have one right now but we want to get another rescue dog and maybe a cat too real soon.
...hugs from lenny

Creepy Query Girl said...

You forgot dogs are self cleaning. lol. That was great!

Lydia Kang said...

That was hilarious! I can see why this went so well as a speech. Did you have a standing ovation afterwards?

Sydnee said...

Amazing! I applaud you. I have hated children and loved dogs since the beginning of time, but now when someone asks me why, I have the perfect explanation! :)

Talli Roland said...

I do like dogs. They're so much fun, and so personable (dogable?). But I like kitties, too! Sgh. I just want a pet!

Anonymous said...

:D I was laughing (and nodding) as I read this. I agree with Talli that I'd like a kitty, too -- or just a pet, really.

Wendy Ramer said...

Phenominal! Numbers 7 & 9 are my faves.

Saumya said...

Haha, aww...dogs are awesome!!

Ed Pilolla said...

i volunteer at a backward animal shelter in the us's largest municipal shelter system (la). the reasons people give up dogs can make one sick. it tests one's faith in the goodness of human beings.
love-love your reasons to adopt dogs.

Zoe C. Courtman said...

Dude - I love how *different* your blog posts are. Always something far-ranging and interesting! Thanks for sharing!! (Though I'm a TOTAL cat snob :D)

Kimberly Franklin said...

LOL. Dogs. I love them. And get very aggravated with mine all the time! But I still love them!

Angela Ackerman said...

Haha, that #4 made me think of that AFV where the kid shoves like 10 frogs down his diaper!


Aubrie said...

#10 is hilarious! I have two miniature doxens, and so I'm right there with you on those accounts.

Nice to meet you. Great blog!