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Friday, June 11, 2010

All about Pee

Yes, you read that right.  Pee.  Not the letter P, not the vegetable pea.  We're talking number 1 pee.


Well, because this is my blog and I get to write about whatever I want. 

(*sticks out tongue*)

But seriously, I have two reasons.  One, bad things happen when I don't listen to my instincts.  Two, because I work in a small office.

Lemme explain.

I took my son to see Shrek the other night for his birthday.  In the middle of the movie he had to go to the bathroom.  We took care of business, and finished the movie.  As we were walking out, that little voice in my head told me I should ask him to go to the bathroom again.  My rational brain (you know the part that thinks it knows better) overruled.  Hadn't he just gone less than an hour ago?

(you probably know where I'm going with this...but let me set the stage)

We were a mile from our house.  There's a convenience store on the corner which would be the last public bathroom.  That voice whispered to me again, but I stayed in my lane.  We were 2 minutes from home, and he wasn't saying anything.

The minute I went through the intersection he started writhing in the backseat.  He had to GO.  And NOW.

Uh oh.

I didn't have time to go around the block to get back to the convenience store.

So I did what I had to do.  I pulled into a parking lot and got out and let him pee right there in the parking lot.  

What?  It was either that or I was going to have a seat that smelled like pee for a week.  I'm just glad he was a boy because I don't know what I'd have done if it was one of my girls!

Okay, so the second reason we're talking about pee today is because I work in a small office.

Just the boss and me.  The office is in his rental house.  It's a small 2 bedroom not more than 1,000 square feet. Our desks and equipment are in the combined living/dining room, the bedrooms are primarily storage.  The bathroom is in the hall roughly even with my desk.

When I first started a couple years ago, I was shocked dismayed surprised to discover when boss man went into the bathroom that I could hear everything that went down even though the door was closed and fan was on.

That meant, of course, that he could probably hear me too.


Now, I should say that I'm not shy.  I'm not one of those people who can't go when other people are around.  At home, nobody ever locks the bathroom door unless there's company.  Okay, not true.  My oldest now locks the door, and that's fine. It's just a part of life, it's completely natural so if someone just *has* to come in to wash their hands while I'm in there, I'm okay with that.  It's not like they SEE anything.

But it's a little different at work...especially when it's a new job.

So I have perfected the art of the silent pee.

Yes, that's right, I can go without making any noise.  It's a handy talent, let me tell ya!  The easiest way is, of course, to toss a wad of toilet paper in the bowl and aim for it.  But some paper absorbs water in the bowl faster than others and so this could backfire on you.  Another way is to (ahem) 'aim' for the porcelain, not the water. 

So, now I turn it over to you.  Where is the most unusual place you've ever taken care of business?  And if you really truly have never gone anywhere except a designated bathroom, at least have the decency to lie to me and say you do it in the pool or shower or something!


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JustineDell said...

OMG...the silent pee!! Made my Friday! ;-)

I've went to bathroom in lots of weird places. Parking garage, the woods, my mother's back porch (don't ask).

And, my hubs has the same problem as your son. He doesn't say anything on road trip until it's almost too late. I can't tell you how many times I've had to pull over on the side of the road, just so he can pee!


Carole Anne Carr said...

Wonderful post, made me laugh as I was the Mother of three small boys many years ago! We were into canal boating, and remember when my stepson wanted the loo and was indignant when we stopped on the river bank and he was told to use the bushes!

Matthew Rush said...

I lived in the wilderness once for six weeks when I was at this outward bound type place as a teen. The girls that were out there with us could pee standing up by just pulling their shorts to the side.

It was weird, awkward, amazing and effing awesome.

So what happens and work if one of you gets explosive diarrhea?

Theresa Milstein said...

I feel for you. My kids did that to me countless times. Now that my daughter is almost 8, it's better. But not entirely.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I peed in every public restroom in town. I even used the Home Depot. Three years ago, I was in France and went to use the bathroom. There was just a hole in the floor! I tried and tried, but couldn't do it.

I hate when people try to open the door without knocking. Not every door locks!

laurel said...

This totally cracked me up. I can't tell you how many times I've had to help my daughter pee in the woods while we were walking the dog or taking a family hike. I usually pick her up in a squatting position (holding her thighs) facing away from me while she goes. This way the clothing around her ankles doesn't get wet. Not sure what we'll do now that she's getting almost too big to lift....

Zoe C. Courtman said...

HA! Learning how to pee silently as a life skill. LOVES it!! Thanks for sharing :D

Candyland said...

Oh man! I'v peed on the side of the road after a show in the middle of nowhere in the freezing rain before!

Janet Johnson said...

LOL. Too funny! I have been there with the kids. A few too many times, actually.

In a little South Pacific Island, I was dying to go, DYING! So I stopped at the house of a family I knew. I cannot describe the state of the toilet. Needless to say, I found a way to hold it.

Tahereh said...


Carolyn V. said...

Silent pee? Sweet! I'm going to have to try that.

btw, I've made my kids pee in a cup in the car before. I hate those moments when they can't hold it anymore!

Creepy Query Girl said...

LOL- Thanks for the tip! Finally! A way to silence the falls of wonderwee! I don't know what i'd ever do without you vick. You're my hero:)

Talli Roland said...

Oh how I wish I had the talent of silent pee. I *am* one of those people with performance anxiety!

Lenny said...

this pee stuff is soooo funny. hahaha. could you believe i peed on my brothers leg one time cause he asked me to cause he got bit by a jelly fish and thats what makes it not sting so much. i peed on trees and bushes a lot too. i never think about peeing quiet. ha ha.

Elana Johnson said...

ROTFL! Love this post. :)

Amy Jo Lavin said...

I completely sympathize with your first story about your son! I have two boys, and I swear, they ALWAYS wait until it's an "emergency." It drives me crazy!

And I live in a townhome. Let's just say I can hear everything that goes on next door. :)

Anonymous said...

Freedom of speech is wonderful. Being a guy I can do that pretty much anywhere, any time. I guess drunk off a balcony would be the craziest place. I publicly apologize to the people below.

Stephen Tremp

Talei said...

LOL. Oh boy, thats funny. Okay, at the beach and in the woods! Definitely if nature calls and we're outdoors miles from anywhere...well you know you have to go!

Lindsay (a.k.a Isabella) said...

Lol. The silent pee. Got to learn that skill.:)

Stina Lindenblatt said...

I need to learn the silent pee. I think I'm going to go practice now. All this talk about peeing has made me realize I need to go. Seriously need to go. :)

Kimberly Franklin said...

LOL. Love this post! Christmas Eve we got stranded on the side of the road in a ice/snow storm. It was bad for Texas. And we were stuck there from 5pm till 3AM (even tow trucks have wrecks, go figure). Needless to say, everyone in the car took a couple of bathroom trips down into the dark woods. It was scary!

Anonymous said...

I love, love this post. :D And "silent pee"! Thanks for sharing the trick. It'll undoubtly be useful in the future. :)

Wendy Ramer said...

OK, so are you impressed with how many comments this has incited? Everyone wants to talk about pee...including me. I don't have a particularly strange place but I do have an exotic one. In the Spanish countryside while drunker than Ke$ha and waiting for a bus to take my drunken group of friends back to Seville. It was February - cold and rainy - but when you gotta go, dropping trow and squatting in an open field ain't such a bad option, even in mixed company.

Saumya said...

Hahaha, this is too funny!!! I think my life is pretty boring, as I have not peed anywhere interesting yet. Maybe this post will inspire me to do otherwise ;) I want to see Shrek!!

Lydia Kang said...

You have talent, Miss V!
I can't tell you the most unusual place I've ever done #1 because it would compromise the strict professional standards which I keep.
*sticks tongue out*

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

Sorry I didn't get to surprise you with the announcement of you winning Judy's book. We were doing a Relay for Life walk tonight and I got the post written just before we walked out the door. Congratulations on winning!

Shannon said...

You crack me up! :)

The silent pee is an amazing skill, lol.

I have tiny bladder so I may or may not have gone on the side of the road when I was younger (and by younger I mean 30). :)