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Monday, May 10, 2010

Mock Me Monday - The Totally True Assassination of Sigmund

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I had another post prepared for Mock Me Monday, but I chickened out at the last minute.  I've saved it off so another day when I'm feeling more brazen I'll share it.  We'll see.  For today's installment, I'm going to take you on a trip back in time to 1990. 

Operation Desert Shield had just started and the guy I had been seeing was deployed overseas.  I was attending a local junior college in Las Vegas to get my Associates.  We (my parents and I...I was 19) were living in a hell-hole apartment.  (Long story, all you need to know is that there were drug dealers living in the apartment across the way and it was bug-infested).

So this particular night I was home alone, in my room transcribing my shorthand notes from class that day.  I got the munchies, as one does when they've spent too long doing their homework.  I remembered the donuts my dad had bought that morning, so went into the kitchen to find them.

I took a bite, but it had dried out. Not a fan of dry donuts, so I thought maybe if I nuked it in the microwave it would soften up a bit. I congratulated myself on my brilliance, and popped the microwave door open.  As I was about to set my prized donut down in the microwave, I saw it.  A speck at the back, under the glass tray.  This was an older microwave.  The glass plate covered the entire bottom of the microwave.  It was square, and did not rotate.  Underneath the tray, the metal sides slanted inwards creating a ramp about an inch and a half deep below the plate.

Okay, so there was a speck under the plate.  Did I mention that this crappy apartment we lived in was roach infested?  You probably see where I'm headed with this, but let me tell you when I say roach infested, I mean we killed dozens every day of every size and sick puppy that I am, I named each one of them and wrote their names on a dry erase board along with where they were murdered.

That in itself is probably mockable, but I'm not done yet.

I could not in good conscience microwave my donut while there was a cockroach inside with it.  What if it (the critter) exploded?  Ewwww.  I wouldn't be able to eat my donut after that, let alone be able to microwave any food in there again.  Yeah, I'm neurotic like that.

So, what to do?

Squishing was out.  I don't squish anything...and certainly not in the microwave where remnants of his innards (I had named him Sigmund by this point) might get on my future food.  Bug spray was doubly out.  Spraying poison inside a food box just didn't seem like a good idea.

I remembered that roaches were sensitive to light, so I turned all the lights off, but the light was on inside the microwave, so I unplugged it and shined a flashlight on him.  He just scurried from one side to the other.  Ugh.

I hope you're sitting down because it gets worse.  Way worse.  Mock Me Monday, remember?

Next, I turned the lights back on and got my hair dryer.  Yes, my hair dryer.  I swear I'm NOT making this up.  I decided I was going to blast Sigmund's gross little body out of the microwave.  I aimed the hairdryer and turned it on full blast, but all he did was go around and around at the back like he was on some crazed ferris wheel.  I realized after the fact the hair dryer was a bad idea.  He could have come zooming out of the microwave directly at my face.  My reflexes aren't great, he could have landed on me!  Ewww.

I should have been laughing at myself by this point, but noooo.  I had to get that thing OUT of the microwave and my brave daddy was nowhere to be found.  I had to do this myself.

I tried talking to him next.  Yes, I lowered myself to trying to coax and cajole a cockroach out of the microwave.  A low point in my life, to be sure.  He didn't budge.  He probably knew what was waiting for him.

What I did next I have no rational explanation for.  I somehow got it in my head that he COULDN'T crawl out.  Don't ask me why, I'd seen the things scale the walls and ceiling effortlessly.  Why I thought he couldn't crawl up a beveled edge is beyond me.  So I made a little cardboard bridge that went from the inside of the microwave right down to the counter. 

But do you know what?  It WORKED!  He immediately crawled across the bridge onto the counter where I issued a fatal dose of Raid.  Then I added his name to my Cockroach Obituary list.  The oddity of it all hit me then, so I spent the rest of the night writing a letter to my sister detailing the fiasco. 

And I never ate that damn donut.

I swear this is 100% true.  My sister STILL makes fun of me for this.

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20 comments:

Bill Kirton said...

That's a pretty intense relationship you established (albeit briefly) with that roach. My equivalent stories tend to involve inanimate objects.
Great post. I look forward to coming back for more.

Matthew Rush said...

You're funny. Cute story.

Lydia Kang said...

I can almost hear your voice. "Here little roachie. Come here. Let me squish you the easy way. Thaaaaat's a good boy."
Nice post!

Creepy Query Girl said...

Very inventive! A bridge! lol. Too bad about the donut. Your picture made me hungry.

Janet Johnson said...

So gross! I've lived in roach infested apartment before. I still get the willies when I think about it. LOVE the bridge though. :)

Thanks for stopping by my blog and following!

Wendy Ramer said...

I have no words for this because of my personal terrorized relationship with roaches. See my post (http://onnonnon.blogspot.com/2010/04/on-cockroaches-or-when-its-appropriate.html) for more details.

Mary McDonald said...

Omg! I'm laughing so hard! I worked at Burger King as a teen, and it was an old one, totally roach infested. After the exterminators would come, the roaches would flee the poison in the walls to invade the rest of the building. I got so paranoid of them because all of a sudden, they'd BE there. *shudder*

Shelby said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shelby said...

I'm having nightmares tonight, and I blame you, Miss V. Just reading this makes me all ticky.
Love the blog!
-sorry about the technical mishap above-

MissV said...

Bill - Yes, anytime there is a multi-legged critter involved my relationship with it is intense...bordering on obsessive!

Matthew - hahaha...I try!

Lydia - You're pretty darn close. Just got to add a note of desperation at the end. Pleaaaaaaaaase, I'm not gonna hurt you (crossing fingers behind back) realllly."

Creepy, I'd send you a donut, but it'd be stale before it got across the ocean!

Janet - Nothing like living with roaches to scar you for life!

Wendy - hahaha...I remember that. I totally feel for you. There was a time my dad killed one in my closet but we never found the body. I took my closet apart one item at a time until I found the carcas. UGH.

Mary - Too bad the government can't train roaches as spies because they are the best sneak-up-on you things I've seen. Except for maybe earwigs. (SHUDDER)

Lunch is over...back to work I go

Lindsay (a.k.a Isabella) said...

Eww, roaches. Great story though, I probably would have tried to get it out of the microwave too. I used to leave cheese in wine fermenter bottles for mice, and put in rabbit food so they could get out. That way my dad couldn't trap them.
lol.

Diane J. said...

Well, it sounds perfectly logical to me, LOL. I was afraid you were going to nuke it anyway, and I was getting all freaked out. So happy you coerced him out and shot him with Raid.

Saumya said...

Haha, wowww. You're very thoughtful for naming them!! That must be such a scary situation; I run and hide from all creepy crawly things. Sorry about the doughnut :(

Shannon said...

LOLOLOL. Oh man. I could not stop laughing. Especially at this:

"I named each one of them and wrote their names on a dry erase board along with where they were murdered."

You're too funny. Awesome story.

Kimberly Franklin said...

LOL!!! Now that's a story!! Haha. I hope you have a great day!!

MissV said...

Lindsay, I had a run in with a mouse last year...that's a whole 'nother story!

Diane, oh no. I couldn't take the chance of nuking it. Although I WAS tempted to leave it for someone else to take care of. I do that a lot...trap bugs and make someone else eliminate them.

Saumya - just trying to keep a sense of humor about it. I hated bugs before that and it's worse now. Yes, I know I'm a million times bigger and I know they can't hurt me but EWWW!

Shannon - hahaha...I also created relationships between them. The big ones were grandparents, middle sized were parents aunts/uncles and the little ones were the children. So Sigmund's would've read, "Great Grandpa Sigmund, kitchen counter, poisoned."

MissV said...

Shelby - glad I could entertain you. Sincerely hope I don't interfere with your peaceful dreams tonight!

Kimberly - It's kinda therapeutic making fun of myself so publicly!

Lenny said...

hi miss v! im lenny and you got me laughing so much about that micro roach. im happy he didnt get dead by nuking. i hope you could write more fun stuff from your life. ...hugs from lenny

Dawn said...

This is fabulous. I love the concept of Mock Me, Monday. Now I'm REALLY curious about the *almost* post.

Carolyn V. said...

LOL! Those little guys are gross. I'm glad you got him out of that microwave! =)