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Saturday, May 1, 2010

Miss K's Debut

I browsed through little Miss K's writing folder and chose this lovely piece. I guarantee you will be laughing out loud before you finish. So consider this your warning: DO NOT EAT OR DRINK ANYTHING while reading this. If you choose not to heed my warning, I am not responsible for anything that gets snorted, spewed, or choked on.

I WILL have a disclaimer or two at the end to declare my innocence on a few points.

The ONLY editing I have done is adding some paragraphs for ease of reading.

The old days

It was a pretty sunset through the office window. I stared through Mom’s office window, where I wasn’t allowed to be. She went out to drink at least once a week.

My younger siblings, Carey, who’s five, and her twin, Allie, who’s five, walked into Mom’s office. Carey was holding an old granola bar in her hands, and Allie was eating my apple pie made special. My name is Violet, and I’m twenty six.

I snatched the granola bar from Carey, and grabbed my apple pie. Carey whined about how much she loved granola bars, which was true.

“But I love granola bars!” Carey said.

I shrugged. “That may be, Carey.” I said. “But this granola bar is old, no one’s ate it yet for three weeks, it’s disgusting.”

Carey watched me toss the granola bar in the garbage can. Carey’s eyes began to water. “But, I love granola bars!” Carey said. She ran out of the office crying.

Then, I heard Mom’s car park. I grabbed the apple pie plate, and Allie’s hand, and ran out of Mom’s office. We hurried into the dining room, and Allie ate the rest of the apple pie.

This is the story. My mom had me. Once I was old enough, she thought she’s have one more. Instead of one more, two more came. So, she was done with that, she wanted only two kids in the family, but instead she got three. She didn’t care for the two babies then. She left it to me.

But this time when Mom came in the front door, she had a bottle of beer in her hand, and a strange man with her.

“Allie! Carey! Violet!” Mom yelled from the front door, taking a huge sip of beer.

Allie, Carey and I hurried to the front door and looked at the strange man. “This is Renglad, my future husband.” Mom said. Mom gave me the beer bottle, and then turned to Renglad.

“Oh, baby, do you have a mouth?” Mom asked, which was awkward.

Renglad nodded and Mom and him opened their mouths and kissed each other, but actually while they were kissing, they had their tongues lick the inside of each other’s mouth.

I put the beer bottle on the dining room table. What I meant by their tongues inside each other’s mouth was that Mom had her tongue inside Renglad’s mouth licking it, Renglad licked the inside of Mom’s mouth. It was pretty gross, so I took Carey and Allie by their hands, and walked them into the living room.

Mom and Renglad went into the bathroom, good thing. Mom started to swear though, not a good thing.

So, I distracted Allie and Carey, and we played a game. Renglad was about to go home, when Mom called my name. “Violet Garcia!” Mom yelled, and Garcia was my middle name.

I got up from the couch, and walked to the front door to let Renglad out of the house.

He smelled bad, so I waited till he was gone to cough and gag. Mom took her suitcases, and yelled my name again. “Violet!” Mom yelled. I had to help Mom carry her things to Mom’s car. Her car was pretty hot for her. It was a sports car. Renglad sat in her seat, right in the steering wheel spot.

Mom jumped in the car next to him. She sat on her knees in her car as Renglad drove away. “Violet, we’ll be back soon! We’re going to the bar, getting alcohol for us and you kids, and then we’ll be back.” Mom called to me as Renglad turned the curb to the street towards the bar, it was only like two miles away from our house and into the downtown.

As I was about to walk in the house, a car pulled up into the driveway and made me scream.


I didn't realize she'd written ELEVEN pages already! I pasted it all and it just went on and on and on so I decided to cut it off at the scream...create a little third-grader tension, hahahaha.

I should tell you that Miss K is obsessed with having a daycare and taking care of kids, that's why I think she made the mom disinterested in the she would have to take care of them.

The beer, I don't know. I don't even LIKE beer. And I never go out to bars.  Not sure if she's drawing from something she saw on TV or a friend's house or where this bit came from.

As for the kissing...I dunno what to say about that.  Hysterical, yes.  Where she saw it? I just don't know.


Wendy Ramer said...

My favorite part is in the first paragraph with the twins - both age 5 - and violet as the big sister - age 26. At what age does logic set in? ;-)

MissV said...

haha, there was one story of hers I was reading where the mom would've had to given birth at age 7 to make the ages work. She asks me a lot, "If so and so is this old, how old would mom be?"

Bish Denham said...

LOL! I thought maybe I was reading a story about a bunch of dogs...the licking inside the mouth and all...

MissV said...

Bish - I was laughing so hard when I got to the kissing part! She clearly saw SOMEONE kissing and was grossed out by it, bless her heart.

Jen said...

I'm with Bish!!! I laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants!!! Kids are the cutest at times and MissV this one is downright adorable!

MissV said...

Jen, I probably should have warned you to go to the bathroom first! I'm going to have to save this for the day when she discovers kissing isn't so gross! hahaha

(hopefully this only goes through once...had trouble getting it to go through)

Carole Anne Carr said...

She shows wonderful promise as a writer!

Mary McDonald said...

I heeded your warning and didn't open my Rockstar until I finished reading. You're right--it's a good thing! This is too funny! Now I don't feel so bad about my daughter's story about the scary ghost girl who had to hide in the cellar from an evil man.

I laughed so hard reading your daughter's story, that my daughter (nine years old) turned to me and said, "Mom! You snorted!"

Kimberly Franklin said...

I love this!! Miss K is just too cute!! :) Have a great weekend!

MissV said...

Carole, thank you! She did a really pretty paragraph about the woods/hills/river from a Native American perspective, but do you think I can find that?

Mary, I'm glad I made you laugh today! It still gets me when I'm driving or typing at work and I bust up laughing out of nowhere.

Kimberly, yes, I agree, she is too cute ('cept when she's bein' a pill!)

Going to see a sidewalk chalk artist cool is that? Have a great weekend everyone!

Lindsay (a.k.a Isabella) said...

Aww, I think we have met a future bestselling writer. Too cute. :)

Lindsay (a.k.a Isabella) said...

Just seen your comment on my blog. There is a post now. lol.